To ask for help in helping my daughter navigate an unhealthy friendship

[Needtoknowhowtohelp]

I’m posting here rather than having an in-person discussion with anybody. Firstly, as my daughter has begged me not to discuss it with family as she doesn’t want everyone chipping in & secondly, because I’m embarrassed that I don’t quite know how to help her.

My daughter has been friends with ‘Jane’ for several years since primary school. It was a small primary school and since my daughter joined her time was always fully occupied by Jane. At first, it seemed wonderful close friendship and Jane was often at our house. As time went on, I had some concerns that my daughter seemed to withdraw from other friendships and as I had, over time, learned that Jane often had run-ins with other children, I started to have a concern that it was down to trying to show solidarity with Jane.

My daughter confided in me towards the very end of year 6 that she felt smothered by Jane and didn’t know how to break away. Jane, having a huge personality (I really don’t meant that meanly - I mean it in the genuine sense), is quite overshadowing and also had a habit of making my daughter look badly in order to break off other friendships or conversations so in the end my daughter had just started to quietly follow her for an easier life. My daughter worried that high school would be a continuation. We started inviting other friends over to the house more, doing more out of school activities and just overall concentrating on my daughter’s confidence.

When it came to high-school transition I spoke to my daughter’s head teacher about the above. I said that I worried that when it came to the children being able to apply to be with friends from primary school that my daughter would continue this ‘friendship’ and that space would be better. This was ignored and the head teacher suggested they were housed together. Which they were.

Fast forward to now and my daughter often has stomach aches that prevent her from going to school, anxiety the night before school and just general worries.

She started to make other friends but has withdrawn from them. It turns out that Jane has been, in my daughters words, ‘trying to make a Wally’ out of my daughter and causing so much shit that my daughter just quietly follows her.
I have seen messages on her phone from Jane accusing her of speaking to ‘her boyfriend’, speaking to Jane’s ‘enemies’ and just all sorts of ridiculous crap. Once she bombarded my daughter for 10 minutes straight with this rubbish until I messaged back and told her I have her phone and this was enough.

Without sounding dramatic, it feels like she’s in a cohesive relationship. I’ve often struggled with friendships so I’m ashamed to say that I don’t know what to advise. I’ve promised her I’ll find a way for her to break away without causing issue (which she’s really worried about). I thought about requesting a change of house but my daughter has begged me not to as she fears this will cause upset as it may be obvious and also move her away from the friends she’s been working to establish. I’ve promised her I won’t do anything without her permission.

There is one really lovely friend who I have the contact details of her mum, I thought about arranging a sleepover for next weekend to surprise my daughter? I know if I suggested arranging it she’d be worried that Jane would get wind.
Honestly at a loss at what to do and, as above, friendships have always been hard for me. I’m so worried about my wonderful daughter who now wants to move schools to break away from her ‘best friend’.

If she was now back in primary school I’d just head in and speak to the school again but I’m lead to believe from my daughter that it won’t be handled and it’ll just make it all worse.

Any ideas from more experienced mums would be so appreciated. I’m feeling really quite shit at this.

This is the time when you tell your daughter that sometimes it's OK to just tell people to fuck off. Just like that "Jane, fuck off and don't talk to me again".
Anything other than that is going to teach your daughter to tolerate abuse in her adult life because "it's easier". And yes, I would suggest using this exact language. In fact, I am quite surprised you didn't do it yourself when you discovered the messages.

You talk about “houses” - is your DD at boarding school? Or does house just = class?

How difficult would it be to move DD? Are there other schools you like as much which have space? If there are, then as it’s only January of y7, I’d be inclined to move DD.

If the other schools available are really not as good and you want to make this work, then I would be doing everything I could to help DD break away from Jane.

1. sleepover yes. And same with other girls
2. speak to Jane’s mum, openly.
3. speak to the head and ask again to move houses
4. screenshot the phone messages from Jane and save them. Show them to Jane’s mother and the head.

Explain to DD that you need to do this and promise her that if it all blows up she can move schools. And follow through on that if things really do go pear shaped for her. A lot will depend on how popular Jane is at the new school, unfortunately.

I’m not adverse to just ending ‘friendships’ and I’m not sure it’s ever done be much good. I have tried to not replicate my own mother (who destroyed every friendship and relationship I had until I was around 22) and I have tried to be more helpful. I know I haven’t been but the intention was there. I know you’re right but I think I just needed someone to tell me so. ‘Fuck off’ it will be. Do I ring the mum?

I wouldn’t actually speak to Jane’s mum until you’ve spoken to school again, preferably with some screenshots in hand.

Otherwise unfortunately there is a chance that Jane’s mum tells school a completely different story. Parents often do not want to believe you if you tell them their darling DC is a bully.

Sorry, no not a boarding school. Habit of ‘houses’ from my school days. I meant ‘form’.
It’s the best school for many miles and we were very lucky to get a place. I’ll be fucked if Jane takes this from my daughter.
Jane’s mum seems a bit of a nutter. Not in a way I’m scared of her but more like she’s just a bit nuts. Too much of a squirrel to see the wood for the trees. Not even sure if it’s worth a conversation as Jane is the best child ever there.
Sleepover incoming. Thanks for your help.

Agree with @Catza. Mention it to her form tutor and ask that the be separated in all classes together. You will need to intervene as your daughter is too young to handle it in her own. Take screenshots of the messages. If it’s done through Snapchat (where messages disappear) change the settings in that chat to keep the messages so they won’t disappear and keep a copy of all of them. Surprise sleepover - don’t, discuss with your daughter first!

Yes in that case no real point in you talking to Jane’s mum. But be aware that school will probably feel they need to bring her into the discussion and get Jane’s story. Hence screenshots.

Definitely speak to someone Pastoral at school ( Head of Year is a good start). My friend's daughter had trouble with a group of mean girls at school, it was dealt with by moving her into a different tutor group/ form, and changing as many subject lessons as possible to be away from these girls. The girls were also spoken to by one teacher.
My friend's daughter is much happier now.
Does your daughter do an activity away from school? Often those friendships are better and give your child the confidence to deal with horrible girls at school.

Now is a really good time to talk about boundaries with her. If she can’t say no to Jane she is going to struggle with general boundaries as she gets older. She is allowed to say no. She needs to get confident with that, I would get her to practice some phrases she is comfortable with.

Had a similar issue with my DD which only came to light when she asked how easy would it would be to change school. This 'friend' had been isolating her from other friends by telling tales about things DD had supposedly said or done while telling DD awful things other people she thought were friends had supposedly said behind her back. Motivation seemed to be to keep DD as her best/only friend but then she was really unkind to her aswell. I did contact the form tutor and school dealt with it really well. I would call it out for what it is - bullying.