How do I loosen the reins

[tallyh]

FTM Mum to a 4 month old.

Mentally I’m struggling. I have a history of long term mental health issues which I have always managed via medication and coping mechanisms (ie. fresh air, exercise etc.). I feel like I’m working overtime to keep MH in check right now.

I’m giving everything to being the best Mum I can be to my baby. I’ve given up work, sleep, I had to recover from preeclampsia post birth, I’m EBF and I spend long days with baby whilst DH works and commutes. I feel like I couldn’t do more for my baby. Being the primary caregiver I’ve gotten to know my baby quicker and in more depth than DH, despite him wanting to be as involved as possible.

Baby had colic for several weeks which was very very hard for me to cope with, but I got through it. As a result I bend over backwards to keep baby happy - well-timed naps, lots of engaging play, boob on tap etc. Happy baby = happy me and my MH stays in balance.

DH struggles with working and being apart from baby. He wants us to ‘parent together’, ‘make decisions together’, ‘work things out together’. I understand but I find this so hard because our parenting isn’t equal - I’m with baby more and I know baby more. DH struggles to accept when I take control of the parenting at the weekend, he feels overridden, but I find it impossible to sit back and watch baby cry and get upset when I know how to soothe them and what they need. It’s taking a massive toll on my mental health not being able to take much of a break, but I feel even worse being around baby crying when I can solve it. It’s like torture.

I’m really really trying to give DH more independence and authority with baby, but he always seems to have exactly opposite ideas of what baby needs to me, and we are clashing so much. It’s gotten to the point where I’m getting through a week of intense caregiving, only to dread our weekends together as a family. It feels harder, not easier 😞

I don’t know what to do.

I must be difficult but your DH seems like a good man, who wants to be a good father.

He deserves to have as much a roll in his child's life as you do.

Yes, it will take the baby time to get used to his way too and his way isn't neccesary wrong either, it's just different to yours.

At weekends, could you use Saturdat morning, for example, to do others that will help with your mental health, go for a run, meet a friend for coffee. Could you both put baby in the buggy and jointly go for a walk in the afternoon?

Over time, the more involvement he has with the child, the more settled, they'll become too and it will all get easier.

He is a very good man and he wants to be the best dad! He spends a lot of time with baby (bedtime routine and all weekend together). He just challenges my routine and suggestions about what baby needs, and if I give in to try and be fair, it makes baby upset which I can’t cope with. I feel like he isn’t acknowledging that I might just know best sometimes because I’ve had more time ‘on the job’

Give him and it time! Distract yourself ehen he's doing bedrooms for example. Take a bath or read a book.

Reframe it in your mind, that this is a good thing for both your child, your DH and ultimately you in the time as you'll benefit from nothing having it all fall on you.

A child, slightly disgruntedly because of change, isn't being hurt or damaged. He'll learn to adapt too.

Also, you know what works best for you.
You had to learn initially. He has to too.
Give the man a chance!

I know I’m micromanaging - I think it’s how I’m coping with all of it. I think I need to spend some time away from DH and baby as I can’t help but try and control everything but it’s soo hard when EBF.

Motherhood is so hard, no matter how much I explain how I feel to DH it’s impossible for him to understand and that’s not his fault 😞

He is equally allowed to make decisions and look after baby just as much as you are, and you have to let him do baby care as well, you saying you know better because you do it more doesn't give him the chance to learn. If baby is being looked after by a caring parent, it's okay if they cry a little while he figures it out. He sounds like he's trying really hard to be a great Dad, your baby is lucky.

Give him chance to learn on the job. Go out for an hour or so, for a walk, a coffee, whatever but physically detach so you can learn to mentally detach.

DH has his own style but I always came back to things still ticking along and it meant that I was always able to trust that their other parent was parenting well even if it wasn't identical.

I had EBFed babies that refused bottles but at about 4m I could leave them for about 90mins-2 hours between feeds which was time to do things like a swim or C25k which was good for my sense of self and physical wellbeing.

Maybe it would help if you left the house for an hour or so, go and sit in a coffee shop or do the weekly shop and leave him with the baby. Out of sight out of mind might be helpful.

Something a bit similar happened to me recently. DD 24 has just bought her first house and i spent about £500 on a fridge freezer as a house-warming gift because she needed one obv and couldn't afford. After reading a mn thread about a poster being ouraged at her parents helping out her sister financially, i thought i would mention to my 2 older sons abd apologisethati hadnt bought them similar when they bought their properties, and they looked at me like i had taken leave of my senses ( they had integrated appliances and plenty of money) toeven think it would be an issue for them.
They aren't small children! Most adults are too wrapped intheir own lives and outgrown keeping score over stuff like tbis!

Maybe try going out for a walk and breakfast on your own (or with a friend) for an hour or two on one of the days. Make it a little tradition of having some you time and it gives your DH the chance to be on his own with baby and figure out what works and what doesn't. He may even surprise you and come up with some new soothing techniques, it's good that he wants to be a proactive Dad and everyone needs to start somewhere.

I really struggled with letting DH or anyone look after DS when he was little. Still don’t like other people looking after him but no longer have any worries with DH so it does get better with time. Things that worked for me was DH taking DS for a walk in the sling on weekend mornings, I would feed him then he would sleep for an hour or so while DH walked the dogs, even that sent me into a anxiety spin initially but I made myself do it and asked DH for constantly photos/updates which he did and slowly I relaxed about it and didn’t need the constant updates. Also we kept really open communication about it and I constantly told DH it wasn’t a reflection on him it was my anxiety and I just needed a bit of extra extra time and the more understanding he was the more i relaxed and stepped back. I would also go to bed about 8pm and leave DH with a bottle for a couple of hours while I caught up on some sleep before he brought him up to bed at 10pm. At that stage I probably wouldn’t have been able to go out and do something for myslef but i was so tired I could sleep and I felt better as I was at home ready for when they got back from the walk or if they needed me for anything.

You are still in such early days and the need to be with your baby constantly can be overwhelming. The anxiety will lessen but allow yourself to take baby steps. DH and DS have a great relationship and have their own way of doing things despite my struggles and worries early on.

Op in the nicest possible way, you won’t always know best, he will sometimes, and you’re supposed to be a team and compromise, as the baby has a daddy too!

Agree with pp, you need to leave them alone for a while.

Go and get your nails done or your hair cut. Go for a swim or take a class. See a friend for a coffee. Make it a regular Saturday morning thing.

Your mental health should improve with less stress and more free time. Your dh will appreciate it too.

Thank you all for taking the time. I think this is all great advice and I posted knowing I need to change my mentally. I just feel so overwhelmed at the moment and like I’m surviving vs thriving!

Good for you recognizing there’s an issue. A lot of mums don’t and then wonder years later why dads have checked out.

Another thing to maybe help in the moment when your DH does something different than you is remind yourself that you took time to learn as did your baby of your now routines. Your baby can also learn new things that your DH does.

In other words, you made mistakes and figured things out, but you didn’t have an audience. I’m sure there’s something you can remember that you did that flopped, keep that as an in-moment mantra to help you reset.

Hang in there, there’s a lot going on and everyone, you, baby, and dad will all settle in. You have a great attitude

I remember feeling like this with my first and my mum stepping in and telling me to back off and let him do things his own way.

I am so glad I did because he's always been such a good, involved dad.

Yes, sometimes my eldest cried a bit more with him at first but I actually found when he tried to soothe her like I did it didn't always work anyway. He had to find his own way.

Now mine are teens and young adults it's paid dividends. He has a way of getting my youngest out of a teen funk that I just don't have. He can get my son to open up to him when he won't open up to me.

Think of this as short term pain for long term gain op - for all of you as a family.

"Another thing to maybe help in the moment when your DH does something different than you is remind yourself that you took time to learn as did your baby of your now routines. Your baby can also learn new things that your DH does.
In other words, you made mistakes and figured things out, but you didn’t have an audience. I’m sure there’s something you can remember that you did that flopped, keep that as an in-moment mantra to help you reset."

This is so true and such good advice!

Of course a father needs to be involved with his child, and it sounds as though the op’s dh is, but to be frank, when a tiny baby is being ebf, I think the father should defer to the mother if the baby is upset/unsettled! She shouldn’t be made to feel that she’s pushing him away. For better or worse (it’s hard work!) the op is the main source of comfort and sustenance for her baby at the moment. It’s only for a relatively short period of time. There will be plenty of opportunity for her dh to take on more of the caring responsibilities when the baby is a bit older, less dependent, drinking from a cup and being weaned.

It depends on what's going on, it's difficult to know which one of you is unreasonable here.
Are you saying that Monday-Friday you have a routine that the baby is settled with and then your DH comes in on Saturday and keeps them awake when they're overtired and says he knows best. Is he keeping hold of the baby when they're overtired want milk and not letting you settle them. If it's something like that, then your dh is being a dick and needs to accept you might know what you're talking about.
But if you just mean he doesn't do things absolutely, exactly in the way that you like to do them, then you probably do need to back off a little and try and leave them to it while you go out.
While you're breastfeeding though, I do think you have different roles and your baby will naturally want you more. It's only a few more weeks until your dh can be involved in prepping and feeding solids though, I do wonder if he could do more taking care of you so you can look after the baby for now.

Can you do shared parental leave? I think it would have many benefits if DH had at least a month of solo care when you are back at work. That way he really gets to know how to handle your baby as well as you currently do, and it stops you becoming “default parent” once you’re both working. Assuming you will be going back to work that is.

i found that the early days my DH would have to give the baby to me as only boob would settle him. He did have some success with the sling but he did admit he felt a bit left out because he doesn’t have boobs 😅🤣 the best he could do was sling / walk with the pram - and he threw himself into other ways to help me whilst I was constantly BF - cooking, bringing me drinks / snacks, tidying up, running me a bath etc

my kids are 11 & 6 now and it does get better with time - when they stopped BF he was able to do a lot more and now both kids are obsessed with their dad and not me anymore (not sure if I like this or not tbh) 🤣

hang on in there OP it does get better x

I remember feeling similarly @tallyh, you're definitely not alone!

What worked for us started off with DH taking over for an hour on a Saturday morning. To begin with, he'd either take DD out, or I would go out, so I wasn't tempted to intervene. We increased the time, as BF'ing allowed, and eventually I could have a lie in and a bath on a Saturday morning, while he took DD1 (and eventually DD2 as well) to the park and for some cake at a cafe.

It really helped improve DH's confidence with the baby, and forced me to take some time to myself and to put faith in DH. It was never that I thought he'd hurt her, just that he didn't know how to look after her as well as I did, but he'd never have learned if I'd always done everything.

These days, DD1 is home from uni, and this weekend, she and DH went out for their "Saturday Morning", as they still call it, except now it's charity shopping and coffee, rather than soft play and juice!