To consider leaving my husband...

[MamaFifi05]

Hello All, posting this here because I am too afraid to speak to my close friends or family as I can't take it back once I've put it out there. For the last couple of months I've been considering leaving my husband. For context we've been together for 13 years, married for 7 and have two young children under three. Before we got married our relationship was fine, not perfect but we went on nice holidays and enjoyed each others' company. We had fertility issues when conceiving DC1 but were overjoyed when we found out the pregnancy was healthy and likely to continue. For a while it felt like everything was going well however my husband started to develop what I would describe as anger issues. He lost it at me several times (verbally not physically), saying things like "you are pregnant not disabled" and referred to me as a "whiny c*nt" during an argument. I got the sense me being less 'able' during pregnancy was a source of frustration for him. Since then we've gone on to have another child, but unfortunately I had a difficult delivery and subsequently developed PND. Since then, I feel like he's been ambivalent towards me at best. Sometimes angry, but I generally just feel like he is disinterested. This has manifested as him not really bothering on my birthday, largely ignoring my mental health issues and not being supportive or loving at all. We haven't had sex for months, and he has all but said that I've "let myself go" since having children. I know this probably all sounds very damning but he is a good father to our children, which is really why I've not addressed this all sooner.

Additional context is I am now back at work, and am the primary earner. I pay for our mortgage, nursery fees and bills. He pays for the car we lease and any larger house purchases. I manage all the life admin and most of the domestic chores including having the children solo on a Friday, although he will help if asked. Sometimes I wonder if he is also unhappy but knows his lifestyle would be less comfortable if he left.

We live very close to his family, who do help with childcare once a week, but also are a little too close to us and our marriage which leads to more tension and feelings of isolation on my part. It wasn't a nice thing to do but I read his messages over Christmas, and found WhatsApp messages from him complaining about me to his sister. It's very clear to me now that not only is he not on my 'team' but he will find someone to justify his behaviour no matter what I do. Since then I've been wondering if it's worth getting out now while the children are hopefully young enough to be less affected in the long run. I do love him though and it's not the outcome I would ever have wanted for us. Please be kind, but I appreciate any thoughts as I don't really feel I can talk to anyone about it.

Initially I thought it might be your PND speaking but if he’s complaining to his sister he must equally be unhappy.
Time to have a frank discussion.

Let's look at this objectively:

What he gets out of the relationship: your money, household managed, life admin sorted, no responsibility for the kids on Fridays.
What you get out of the relationship:... erm.. "a good father" to your children (given the above, we could argue the exact definition of "good")

He can remain a good father after separation. So what else are you getting out of it?

So he's angry, ambivalent and disinterested, called you a 'whiny cnt' and 'pregnant, not disabled'.
Er... how can I put this? It's not looking good!
Give yourself a chance of happiness, and don't try to persevere with someone who doesn't love you, and isn't prepared to work at it with you.

My parents separated when I was an adult. I wish they'd done it when I was a child. I would've rather grown up in a happy home and not had to deal with the fallout as an adult.

Yikes. What is he actually adding positively to your life op? Because he sounds a bit shit tbh. He clearly isn’t happy either, but I guess is less likely to rock the boat as his life would be harder without you in it, whereas yours would be easier.. I’d start by seriously talking to him. Life is short, don’t put up with less than you deserve, and at the moment you are..

Irrespective of the anger issues, how have you ended up paying most of the expenses as well as doing all the life admin, housework and childcare, as well as having PND recently? How was that agreed?

Does he earn and if so what does he bring to the partnership (other than a leased car)? Who owns the house?

Do you still love him OP? Despite everything?

I think you have hit a crunch point where its time to get someone to take the kids and you sit and have an honest and frank conversation with one another. Take it in turns to talk, and listen to the other person. Try and see things from each others perspective and see if this is salvageable. That is, obviously, if you want it to be. If you think you can get through this and make changes and come out the other side.

Either way calling you a whiny cunt is dogshit behaviour and he needs pulling up on that alone.

He moved into my house before we were married, I paid all the mortgage, bills etc. as it was my place and I think even though we now own a house together it just continued. He is self-employed so my wage has always been the steady income coming in. He does a lot of the cooking and walks the dog, but yes I feel like the mental and physical load largely sits with me. I don't think he'd agree though, but from my perspective that's because he probably isn't actually aware how much effort it is the run the house...

The longer you stay the more of your house he will eventually get when you split.
I don’t see any advantages really to you remaining together.

Reading your post made me feel really sad OP.
The name calling is particularly upsetting.

I'd call time on the relationship OP.
You will 100% be fine without him because you’re already doing it all. Get out while the kids are young.

He reminds me of my ex. It doesn’t get better OP.

Life is short and you deserve better 💐

A good father does not swear & curse his pregnant partner or vent his anger on his partner. He does not abdicate all childcare to the other parent, leaving them stretched & exhausted.

Your children will hear this and absorb it as normal as they grow up. Get out now whilst they are young - I can't see anything positive that he is contributing to you life.

I do get this but you’ve had a baby! When you became pregnant and, I assume, went on maternity leave surely that was the time to transfer some of the bills into his name? Was there a discussion about him needing to earn a bit more and/ or become an employee in order to provide a secure income instead of relying on you (especially when you were ill).

And when you say he is a good father, what do you mean? In my view a good father is someone who earns money for his kids now and saves for their future, who takes an equal part in their childcare/ education choices, who books dentists, takes them to the doctor and buys clothes, shoes and food for them competently without being asked (and directed). But in Mumsnet a good dad appears to be someone who carries out parenting to a level that would be considered downright negligent if a mother did it (feeding kids but crap food/ odd times, “looking after” kids with non-stop screen time, and mucking about/ winding them up on occasion). Which one is your partner?

He is not a good father. He emotionally abused you when you were pregnant. That was the point he no longer saw you as an equal partner. He wouldn't be the first man to suddenly turn on his pregnant wife and he won't be the last.

Leave him. You'll find life so much easier.

The guy is verbally abusive. I’m pregnant with fibromyalgia and some undiagnosed debilitating issue and can barely get out of bed but my husband waits on me hand and foot. I cannot imagine being verbally abused as you were in pregnancy. And then to be the primary breadwinner on top of it?

Try to start recording his outbursts and name calling.

See a lawyer asap.

Start building an escape plan.

GTFO of there. It WILL get worse. He WILL emotionally abuse the kids. The kids WILL disrespect their mother when they become teens because they’ll have learned it from their father. Daughter WILL end up with an abusive marriage because that’s what was modeled for her. Son is likely to become an abuser to his future wife because that’s what was modeled for him.

Get out asap and send a strong message that this is not okay and build a healthy life.

This is terrible and inept advice. It is not salvageable. You do NOT advise a woman to negotiate and stay with her ABUSER. This bloke is abusive. He’s not going to change.

This is also my life experience. Growing up in a toxic home of chaos was traumatic. Myself and both siblings were all stunted in adulthood because divorce finally occurred right when we should have been being supported and guided into university or other career training. Instead we weee hurled out into the world to sink or swim under more chaos. By then, the divorce was so bitter and toxic that neither parent was able to provide stability or even noticed our needs in transitioning to adulthood. It’s much better to split when they are young so here is time to stabilize before the are teens going into 20s to provide solid footing to launch them into adulthood so that they don’t repeat the cycle.