Grumpy husband- can’t take it anymore

[Superaline991]

My husband is in his 60s, retired a couple of years ago from a high powered, high paced job. Since retirement all he wants to do is read his book and sit outside and smoke cigarettes (yes another battle). We live in the southern hemisphere (moved here with retirement) so there’s no reason to not sit outside and smoke. He seems depressed but he acts like he’s happy. He is moody, he has no sex drive (once a month top) and refuses to seek help, I am slightly younger with still a lot of sex drive. I am active within the community, I exercise daily and meet up with friends. He does nothing, not even cooking. He just slobs around, but takes care of our pet. It’s driving me insane the way he is.
He drinks more than the recommended amount, ie 2 pints daily if not more. He gets aggressive when drunk.
This is where my aibu comes in? Should I leave him to it and go live my best life or sit it out until the chock of retirement has settled. He is not helping himself, refuses to join groups, not making efforts with new friends, not exercising, nothing. He is very grumpy as well. My adult dss came to visit and noticed how dad just sits by the pool and smokes all day. It’s draining to live like this but I depend on him financially especially now that we moved abroad. I sm trying to build up my career again so I can leave faster.

I think leaving him will kill him but I have had many talks with him but as he ages it seems he no longer cares what I think. He doesn’t think I will ever leave.

Why do men in their 60s turn into grumps. I met him in his 40s, he was active with a high sex drive, very fun the soul of every party. How could he turn into a home body?

Do you own a house together? If he won’t discuss the issue, I think I’d be looking for a route out, or you’re facing a grumpy old man for the rest of your retirement.

Could you go and live with one of your children for a while so he can see you’re being serious?

Well he doesn't have a high-powered job any more ...and he's thousands of miles away from anyone (except his wife) who knows he used to have a high-powered job. That's probably contributing to the grumpiness. And he doesn't have any parties to be the soul of, because you need to be part of some sort of group to get invited to parties and when you move thousands of miles without a job you don't have a group around you and have to spend time trying to make one. Which is probably hard if you've never done it before.

Would you be happy in the new place if you had a busy contented husband who was still enjoying sex?

You could try suggesting a move back?

We do own a house together that’s being rented out since we moved. If we divorced I don’t know how I can get half as I think he will just move his pension (international company) with him . I think he will be petty like that. I only have state minimum pension. His annual pension is 6 figure.

I can’t go anywhere, maybe my very elderly parents but they are like my husband, so not that comfortable either.

I suggested moving back, he wouldn’t budge

Fck him, life's too short 😀 Look after your own needs, you don't have to live in misery!
(From a retired, very active man who is very much enjoying retirement and the opportunities it presents)

I think this is a good idea. Maybe he could be jolted out of his inertia if he sees you are seriously fed up with him.

I do think men more than women can get very staid when they age. Maybe he feels a bit useless since her retired, but if he has no desire to do anything about it, it's a problem.

Being callous how long do you think he has to live?

If he’s static, angry, drinking and smoking all day

How much younger are you?

Of course he seems depressed. Retirement can be a big shock to the system after you had a full on highly stimulated life.

If he is depressed, it won't a case of just snapping out of it like you seem to think he just should. It sounds like it's just all about you.

You need to get legal advice about your rights in both countries (assuming one of the properties is in your home country?). Sounds like you’ve been married 20-ish years so you should definitely be entitled to a proportion of his pension plus half of any joint assets, but the fact you’ve emigrated may affect your entitlements, depending on where you get divorced. Different countries have different rules so the first step is to get a better idea of where you stand before deciding what to do next.

It does read like he’s depressed, but unless he will countenance getting some kind of help (or at least address your concerns and actually talk to you) there’s very little you can do. And some men just morph into irritable, sedentary, disengaged people as they get older, there’s no doubt about it. Would he listen to anyone else? Your children? Friends? Siblings?

You only get one short and precious life, OP, and you don’t have to spend the rest of it chained to a man who’s intent on frittering all your remaining good years away while he smokes himself to death.

You need legal advice.
If you're married he can't just not give your legal due (half pensions etc)
Life's too short to live like this

Yeah, buy him more cigarettes and make him very alcoholic cocktails every night

<dark humour>

They definitely do go funny in their 60s. Ive seen it so many times.
The heavy smoking wont be helping. If he's smoked for years he must surely have vascular disease by now. Even the beginnings of vascular dementia. He would perk up no end if he just gave up the fags.
.maybe its time for an ultimatum?

Maybe he’s just an introvert who needs some calm and peace. I could easily spend my whole retirement reading books by a pool

Funny you would say vascular dementia, he tends to forget recent events and entire conversations at times. He had it checked a couple of years ago, found nothing but it’s getting a bit worse, prompted him to go for a check up again, he said doctors found nothing last time (2 years ago) so just waste of time. He tends to be very defensive about his health issues.

if I ask him about his health, normal questions such as ” how’s your legs pain these days” (he couldn’t walk that far without resting) he would say “don’t start with me again about seeing a doctor”.. with a quite aggressive manner. He gets irritated if I question him about his drinking or cigarette smoking, he tends to lie to the doctors and if I call him out in the clinic he would get angry with me. He is not easy.

Does he have a GP where you are now? I don't know the legalities of this, but would it be useful to give GP office a ring and say you are concerned about him because of x, y, z and could they get him in for check up on the pretext of an annual check up/prostate cancer screening/whatever?

I know, I know it's probably unethical. But you are his wife, you know him better than he probably knows himself.

I reckon he is depressed due to the loss of status having retired. For men that is what they live for a lot. And now it's gone, but he has no desire or motivation to replace status with something else. Hence the inertia etc.

I'd just let him crack on with it whilst living your own life. Buy him extra beers and fags to be nice......

@Superaline991 the reality is that he could very well just get worse. If I had my time again I would not have stayed with my dh, who in his 70s is basically a very unpleasant bad tempered person whose default is shouting and arguing black is white about everything. I have as little to do with him as possible and haven't ruled out making him leave even at this late stage. Get good advice about your financial position, hopefully get enough to set you up elsewhere and leave the grumpy sod to stew while you get on with your best life. Good luck!

I know men in their 60's and 70's who are not grumpy at all OP.

Exactly! I don’t want to socialise that much - it exhausts me. I certainly don’t especially want to go out and meet new people.

Loads of people seem to think that being quiet and solitary is bad for you but for those of us who like the peace and quiet it’s lovely.

Hi OP.
May I ask why you aren't working and financially dependent on him?

You have grown up children.
I hope your husband seeks to improve his quality of life and embrace retirement.
I think you owe it to your husband to support him and opportunities to improve his quality of life in retirement.
Big change for you both