To think this is unfair?

[copingjustfine]

Just a bit of backstory.. my ex was abusive to be during our marriage, he left me and the kids for someone else he met online and married her very quickly, then there was lots of post separation abuse to follow after he left

so he’s never been consistent with contact, aloud changing, cancelling ect. Him and bis wife have always refused to allow our children to stay at theirs overnight and agreed for one contact a week in the day ( usually 4 hours on a Saturday or a Sunday depending on what they choose) this has been stuck to for the most part but still on several occasions it gets changed and messed around with. Like the weekend before last their dad couldn’t have our kids coz his wife and their child had a cold, he never even asked to have had them again till his next usual contact. Them today he’s emailed saying he will only have them for 2 hours due to his wife being in pain.
I feel like it’s so unfair, I never get a proper break, I’m overwhelmed, stressed and spend all my time cooking for the kids different meals to suit all their different needs and now today I won’t get that break from that as he’s having them from 12.30-2.30

I feel like I’m being controlled, yes it may not actually be control but I feel like it, I feel like he’s controlling me using his wife when it may not be the case but it FEELS like that’s the case!!

am I being unreasonable to feel this way?

You are absolutely not being unreasonable to feel as you do. Sadly though, it doesn’t look as if anything will change

Of course it's normal for you to feel you've got the shit end of the stick. You've been through a lot of hurt. I guess I'd be feeling an overwhelming sense of relief for being free of an abusive prick. Now you're away from him, maybe time to be more assertive with contact arrangements?

Also, he's shown he is selfish for putting his own needs before his kids. Don't expect anything from him or rely on him x

YANBU but unfortunately there's nothing you can do to change his behaviour. Does he pay maintenance? Could you drop a days work during the week and have a day to yourself when the DC are at school/nursery?

Ime let him know not to worry you have sorted a babysitter to cover his absent hours this week end...
Let him know you expect him to be a cunt...
Once he knows he isn't controlling your social life he may step up.

It's sad for you that you don't get a break OP.

But this is an abusive man so I'm not sure you get a proper break even when he does have them for a few hours, without worrying about them.

Can you rely on someone else to give you a break?

Other family members perhaps or a friend for whom you could return the favour?

It’s awful, and I’ve been, am there now. You can’t make him see the children, or make him be reliable. Try not to become like me though, angry at the wrong people and resentful of life.

You can try baby sitters, it does help a bit, but the cost adds up. Make sure you are getting the correct amount CMS

@copingjustfine you need to be more assertive here.

It sounds a little like you're letting him dictate when he sees the kids because "you want a break".

What you need is consistency. e.g. he has the kids every other Sunday for 6/8 hours. One day a fortnight. Tell him this. And be prepared for him not to see them at all if he is willing to cut off his nose to spite his face.

"Ex, this constant changing of times and dates is not working. The kids need consistency. You can have the kids for 8 hours on either a Saturday or Sunday. Please let me know which you prefer and what hours, then we will stick to the same day and hours as that is what is best for the kids".

As for the meals, then that's your choice. Find healthy meals that you all like and cook one meal for you all. Batch cook and freeze.

I have a fussy DS but I have never cooked anything different for him. I serve the pasta/rice separate to the meal, then if he is not willing to try whatever it is, he can have plain rice/pasta/spaghetti/mash etc... then some bits of cucumber or carrot. If he doesn't try the main course, then pudding is fruit.