for feeling like my mum is selfish and a let down

[knockedup]

My parents emigrated to Spain last October when my Dad retired, just as I found out I was pregnant with DC2.

They have never really been hands on grandparents - my mum is almost scared of my DD at times (i.e if I put my DD on the phone to her my Mum just goes silent, she can muster a hello but does not do toddler conversation), She's not maternal by her own admission, I am an only child - both my parents were career people and I had quite a distant relationship with them at times growing up.

Anyway this is how they have always been and although it makes me sad sometimes especially looking at DH's close knit family, I accept it, I'm 31 fgs! - So I was positive for them in emigrating at the time but then as my pregnancy has continued I have felt more and more let down by them. DH has his own business and it eats up all of his time - we are struggling financially as well so that doesn't help - but I have been very ill at times during the pregnancy - I had flu for 6 weeks, bronchitus where I was vomiting blood every half an hour, awful sinusitus where I was kept in hospital for terrifying brain scans as they thought I had a blood clot the pain was so intense........ And the whole time I was completely alone - DH always having to work (he works weekends too) or having to babysit DD when I was in hospital. There is NOTHING worse than being really ill, pregnant and in sole charge of a 2 year old...it just felt like I couldn't get myself better.

Anyway - it's my MIL who has been supportive during these times, not my own mum. My MIL is in Ireland by the way and it's about the same kind of journey time from there to London as it is from Spain. She came for 2 seperate weeks and has jumped on a plane the minute we asked, and i don't like to ask but I was desperate. I asked my own mum and to say the response was begrudging would be an understatement. They're totally wrapped up in doing up their villa, it feels like she's happy to talk to me about life and my DD and general other things, but then becomes really animated when we talk about her new life. That's all she's interested in. Even when I was really upset one day on the phone to her because of a variety of things she still just happily started trilling about everthing they'd done to the villa since I last saw it in November.

They have only been over once to see me since they went and only because it was of benefit to them (they had other reasons to be back in the uk other than seeing me or their grandchild)

They're coming over for the birth which is due 20th June. They're only staying a couple of days so as not to get in the way...fine.... so I had asked if they could come over a couple of days after the birth so that we could have all pulled ourselves together a little bit and I could be over that baby blues vulnerable stage......but no, because my Dad has a cricket match to go to on the 17th they're coming then and they'll just sit in my house waiting for me to give birth and then meet the baby and then go again and I'll probably not see them again unless I go out there. She was very prickly that I couldn't go out there in March/April (Ill, no money, pregnant....)

I'm expected to be going out there in August, alone because my DH can't take any time off, so I will have just given birth and will have a 2 year old and a newborn to look after by myself on the plane. Not to mention all the shit that comes with the early weeks of looking after a newborn when I actually get to theirs.

Maybe I am being really unreasonable/hormonal. I keep flitting between believing that they don't owe me anything and that we all have to stand on our own 2 feet in this life, to feeling so hurt that she couldn't be any less interested in me or my kids or supporting us a little by giving us a break from our DD now and again while DH makes his business a success. I feel like telling her to shove her fucking villa.

I'm a very different person and a different kind of mum than her I suppose and I look at my DD and it's my instinct to put her first before my needs and it probably always will be. I'd drop everything to look after her and her toddler if she was alone and incapacitated.

You poor poor thing x

I'm out for a while but will be back later to have a proper chat...

You say you have accepted it but it doesn't sound as if you have and it does sound as if your mother really is just not interested and you really can't force her to be. If I were you I would start looking after your and your childrens needs first i.e sod the visit in August you will go over if and when you a) feel ready and b) you want to. I would also not let them stay at yours when they are over in June.

I disagree with justabouttoeatallthejaffacakes I honestly don't believe in forcing the relationship between grandparent and grandchild and your children are lucky as they have at least one grandparent (MIL) who is obviously interested in them and wants to help and support you. I would concentrate on your relationship with her rather than your own mother.

God this sounds so familiar. I've never been close to my parents either and basically left home at 19 and would never be allowed back under ANY circumstances despite the fact they do everything for my brother and he now3 lives back with them. Their opinion is that I can look after myself and he can't (he's 33). It's always been like this. They feel sorry for his child so do the grandparent thing with her but not interested at all with my 3. They came down for a day after each child was born but would never stay and we're not allowed to visit them (they're 2.5 hours away) andnow we have dogs my dad can't come as he's had an operation that leaves him vulnerable to all sorts of germs/allergies etc. People tell me to get over it but usually it's always people who've not had this sort of relationship with their parents and are quite close or if not close at least get some sort of help from them. I think it's worse for us because we've been let down as children by our parents so whilst we feel angry at ourselves for not being used to it by now it seems to hurt more and more that they can't be there for us and we've missed out and it affects my relationship with my children too even tho I try hard not to let it. We can say we'll never make the same mistakes but it's really hard. At the end of the day we will always be children in our hearts and we need the support of our parents no matter how old we are. I think you should cancel the trip out to them to be honest - it won't be nice. Before we were banned from visiting I did take my 16 month and my 3 wk old baby to visit for a few days and that was the last time I was allowed to go!!!! Aparently I was watching my mum as she changed a nappy and it made her feel I was judging her!!!!!! People do change but they have to want to and unfortunately your parents sound too much like mine - wrapped up in their own lives and putting themselves first. They will not see anything wrong with that and their friends will agree with them that they've done their bit raising us in the first place - because their friends don't know the true circumstances of their parenting - but any kind of back up to our parents' ears will reinforce their own attitudes. All you can do is try and surround yourself with as many friends as you can for support and perhaps speak to the health visitor.

I really sympathise. I had flu and sinusitis when I was expecting dd and I felt worse than terrible.

And, I had zero help. My parents dead, and dh's parents totally self-absorbed. I know it's hard, but you just have to accept it. For years I would go on to dh about why his parents didn't want to be involved, even though they're the only grandparents the dcs have and only live 20 miles away. But you can't change people. the pils grudgingly agreed to look after ds when dd was born, and they actually rang the hospital after a few hours and asked for an update because they were bored and wanted to go home.

just....jaffacakes is right - it's not worth a row because nothing good would come of it. Just keep on plugging at a connection with your dd and the new one, and perhaps they'll warm to the children more when they're bigger and more interesting.

All my sympathy. I'd suggest you talk to them and tell them how you feel. Calmly. Obviously you won't change them. But you will feel better getting it out.

Good luck

Could you write your Mum a letter, explaining how you feel?

Even if you don't send it, it might be therapeutic. Keep the focus on how you are feeling, not what she has done, IYSWIM...

I would be feeling the same as you, I'm sure

Have to add, I would be seriously thinking about whether I would be travelling out in August

i wouldn't fly to spain in august with a newborn - the heat for one thing is surely going to be hell for babies/children. you'll be putting yourself through lots of trouble and it doesn't sound like your parents will appreciate it

What a sad situation. You wont change them so you have to change what you expect and are willing to do yourself. No way would i fly out with 2 LOs if i knew when i got there i would get sparse help, you are better off staying home.

Some people need it spelt out to them - they just wont help unless directly asked. Could you dh not ring them and spell it out that you need help the last 2 weeks of pregnancy and could they nopt forget the relatively unimportant cricket match? If that doesnt prick their conscience then nothing will and thank goodness your MIL sounds lovely.

I have recently enquired about becoming a homestart volunteer and wondered if you could get some support through them? I don't know a great deal about it but it could be a solution in the early days with your new baby.

I have a very poor relationship with my mum. 6 months ago I moved to be nearer my family and in 6 months she's been to my house about 6 times. I get really frustrated and turn into Kevin the teenager when talking to her. I really don't like asking her for anything but when I do I always feel like I'm inconveniencing her and my step-dad. I never feel like she'd drop everything to come and help me. But when I say things like that out loud I feel like I sound like spoilt brat!

I agree with the others about not going out to visit in August, sounds like it'll be far too stressful.

I can really sympathise with you on this one, lsat time my Mum seen the DDs was 5 months ago and she only lives an hours drive away. I'm 36 weeks pregnant with number 3 and have had a hard pregnancy too, chest infection, sinusitis (what is it about sinusitis) and bad pelvic pain which means I am very immobile (not good with 2 toddlers running about). DP works long hours but is at least here at weekends. My Mum will only come visit when driven by step-dad so this means on a Sunday as Friday night is their drinking night so he won't dive day after. Even if they were to come up they are useless my Mum won't play with the DDs wouldn't change a nappy or anything like that, they expect endless cups of tea and lunch made. Haven't spoken to her on the phone for about 6 weeks as last time she phoned she went on for 20 mins about how my Papa was on his last legs and wouldn't get out of hospital, slagged my Dad off then went on and on about her latest list of ailments (she told everyone she might have cancer as she was having tests and had read on the net it might be cancer) then after half an hour asked me how I was!

Anyway thats me, as for you, as hard as it is I would let your Mum get on with it, if she cannot see how hard it will be for you with a newborn and toddler on a plane and then in another hot country then I wouldn't go visit her. What if you go overdue and they miss the baby when they are over are they going to come back?

I think having parents especially a Mum like that makes you a better Mum I could have written your last paragraph, our DC come before everything.

TBH I would personally concentrate on your baby and your own family, sorry but thats what I have had to do.

Fight fire with fire.

They can't be bothered with you then don't bother with them. Don't go in August, screw them, if they want to see you all they know where you live.

It is totally unreasonable of them to expect you to travel with two tinies at, what, 6 weeks post-natal? I can't actually believe they're expecting that

Thanks everyone - yes I don't think I'm going to go out there in august. As much as I'd jump at the chance of a free holiday - to get a tan and start looking a bit better after having a baby - it just wouldn't be like that out there though, it'd be roasting hot, a different time zone. I'd be so harrassed I can imagine me totally flipping my lid at her actually!

I think things have come to a head recently because a few of my friends have moved out of London now to be near their mums for the support with having kids, so I've been feeling a little bit alone and it just makes me focus on my own mother a bit more and how different she seems to everyone elses mums - although reading some of your posts I'm obviously not alone with distant parents. I don't get it personally.

My SIL is spoilt rotton by my MIL so much that she actually doesn't acknowledge or appreciate all the free babysitting that she gets, it's just expected.

I'm just going to concentrate on my own life here and making sure we've got a good support network of friends. I'll get joining all the baby groups in the area to meet new mums with newborns.

Have you asked your mum and dad for their help?

I felt similar to you when my DC's were small and plucked uo the courage to discuss how I felt with my mum. Turns out that she was reluctant to force herself on us because that's what her mum did to her and she deeply resented it. Also, she thinks I'm such a good mum that she doesn't think she has anything to offer!

Nowadays I ask when I need help and she never lets me down. Please talk about this to your mum if you can without getting defensive or upset. At least you'll know and you may be surprised!

Good luck and take care.

Your parents are perfectly entitled to a life of their own - you're grown up and have chosen your own life.

They've decided to spend their retirement in Spain after bringing you up and presumably working hard to achieve that.

Although I can understand how you'd like more support, it's not your right to expect it.

Tbh you sound a bit spoilt and demanding with a victim mentality - pinning the blame on your parents.

It could be that they're not wanting to crowd you and think you're managing ok - you need to have a calm, non-blaming conversation where you say how you feel about your circumstances and ask specifically for what you'd like.

mamhaf, but there doesn't seem to be any give and take here, you are right that the parents are entitled to a life of their own but to display no interests in their daughters or grandchildrens lives seems a little odd (or not as the case maybe and I read more and more of Mumsnet) and I think the OP is quite entitled not to go on demonstrating an interest in their life if they don't demonstrate an interest in hers.

knockedup - what about your fathers role in all this?

mamhaf what a spiteful and mealy mouthed post. No doubt you think that because your tone was moderate what you said was not the unpleasant bullying shit it was.

I think its bullying to faff about with "TBH you sound a bit" then crash in with a really strong and judgemental phrase like MH.

i do agree to an extent with mamhaf, why do people expect their parents to be interested in the grandchildren, harsh thoguh it might sound perhaps the oposters' mother never wanted children, or had one and decided that really motherhood wasn't for her and she has doen the best she can andn ow doesn't want to be involved with her grandchildren, i understand how that must hurt but it is their right .

Hi Libra - well, my Dad and me don't ever speak to each other, I only talk to him when I see him which is 2/3 times a year. On a few occasions he's gotten really pissed and started with 'oh we've been really shit parents to you, we've really let you down your whole life...sorry about that' which I have to just sit and listen to now because when I told him during one of these that yes they have been pretty shit over the years he looked absolutely aghast that I had things to say on it and the conversation just stopped dead.

Mamhaf - maybe you're right - why should someone expect a bit of love and kindness from their mother now and again - how spoilt

Look - they've been rubbish my whole life (by their own admission) and my confidence and self esteem has taken knock after knock because of it - but I'm not going to bore everyone with that because it really will start to sound whiney and spoilt!

Was just feeling low about it today and needed to vent. And it's reassuring to know then that I'm not the only one.

And I'm going to take pleasure in not flying out there in August!