Ex invited to work social

[Caseyfan]

A work friend of mine has invited my ex to a work social. He is good friends with my ex and was good friends with me (independent of his friendship with my ex, we knew each other separately through work) until my ex and I broke up and then he basically pretended I didn’t exist for a year. He did apologise and I thought we had moved on but then I found out he invited my ex to our next work social. He doesn’t work in our industry so there is no need for him to be there. I feel like any reaction I have had has just been chalked up to my being a hormonal woman but I just keep thinking how would he feel if I invited his ex? And I’ve tried to explain that but the reaction was that it’s different because I dated him for 10 months and he was married to her for 10 years. My ex wasn’t horrible or dreadful, but the breakup was horrible, I was very much in love with him and I cried every day for months after we broke up (and yes that probably makes me a pathetic loser but that’s how it was). To me though that makes no difference, I would be considerate regardless of how long someone had been dating. I only found out from another friend or I would have been blindsided at the event. Weirdly, it’s actually less about my ex being there and more about what I see as a betrayal from my friend. My other friends have said well he’s a man so he wouldn’t have thought about it. But I just don’t think that’s a good enough excuse because I would never do that to him. And as I said, he doesn’t work in our industry so there’s no need for him to be there anyway. But maybe I am overreacting?

Horrible thoughtless action but there is little you can do, except feign illness and dip out

@BendicksAddict thank you for understanding, I felt like it was thoughtless too but I am at the point where I can’t quite tell if I am being over-sensitive or not. I’m not going to attend, even though it pains me because it’s my work event!

Stay home.

I don't understand why if it's a work event he has been invited, or do people generally invite other friends along and it's an informal work friends thing rather than a work colleague social?

If you can stomach going, you should really try to go. You can’t let yourself get pushed out of your own work events. All that happens if you don’t go is that your ex starts integrating with the rest of the group and has more reason to be there next time because he has more friends in the circle. Do you have any colleagues you can buddy up with so you don’t feel at a loose end, and can ignore ex and ridiculous colleague? Sorry this has happened Op.

Invite his ex along too!

You’re not being unreasonable, your friend is being insensitive and the length of a relationship doesn’t matter - nobody wants to see their ex.

Is this work event important? Will it impact anything at work if you don’t go? You always have the choice, you don’t have to let someone else put you in a position that will upset you

Stop letter your ex control what you can and can’t do. He’s not bothered that you are there, you should take a leaf out of his book.

so a male workmate invited his male pal to your work social, and you happened to know and date the pal outside work for ten months.

its because he’s a guy. there’s no girlcode. he won’t care about your feelings for his mate/your ex. that’s how guys are.

sorry for being harsh but ten months isn’t that long to be loved up in the bigger scale of things. im not saying it didnt hurt i do get it, but at the same time the guy is right that if it was ten years (or even two years and you split last week) thats be different but you need to move on. you need to get over him.

Im not sure how long ago you split but i’d suggest if it’s over three months (roughly a third of the time you dated) you could go and just stay away from him. Seriously, do NOT drink or you will make a fool of yourself.

If it’s a matter of weeks since you split go out with your pals somewhere else and do not go near that pub. Try and go to the next one

How big an event is it? If people are inviting friends, will there be so many there that you might not even see him?

I can’t really understand the logic of inviting a non-industry mate to a work social, that part is particularly odd to me, but not as odd as the ex agreeing! If my BFF asked me to go to a work event it would only make sense if they felt they needed support for whatever reason. And if they then said “by the way your ex things are awkward with will be there” I’d tell them to find another friend to go with! I think it’s very odd all round. BUT, you just need to drop it because like you say, the patriarchal narrative will prevail and you need to remain professional in any work scenario.

I would go prepared, say hello briefly to both, then socialise/network like crazy with everyone else and then dip out early and sober. Good luck, sounds sh*t x

Can i check:

There’s a work social where it’s fine to invite other friends.
Someone from work has invited one of their friends.
That friend happened to date someone else at the work, but they split up at least a year ago and were together 10 months.

This is very much a you dont get to dictate who other people are friends with.

Thanks all for your replies. It’s basically a networking event for people in our profession, there’s talks from industry experts followed by food/drinks and socialising. It’s not career limiting if I don’t attend this one, but it’s obviously good to stay in touch with other people in the profession. If I had dated within my profession then it would be my own fault and I would accept that I would have to put up with seeing him at work events, but I didn’t do that. It’s also the fact that someone I considered a friend (we don’t work together, we haven’t for a couple of years, but we do socialise together as part of a small group of friends that met through work) has invited him along without so much as a heads up. I’m also pretty sure everyone would be calling me a ‘crazy stalker’ if I randomly turned up to one of his work events in a profession I don’t even work in!

My mum invited my ex (first love who broke my heart) and his girlfriend to her wedding! I found out the week before and was told I couldn't bring a guest. It was all compounded by the fact that my dad died, so it was hard enough anyway. Just to say it's not just men who are utterly insensitive to these things. People are just awful sometimes.

Gosh that really is dreadful, I’m so sorry that happened to you.