Dh is a complete kn@b

[Perzival]

We've been having issues for months. I feel dh is completely self involved. Tonight he got into a conversation with my db about becomming a director. Dh had been offered this but it wasn't financially viable as only offered shares not a pay rise. Db manages a small company and has been told directorship isn't on the cards. Db and sil visited tonight, work was raised as a conversation and dh wouldn't stop telling db he needs to be a director. Db said it wasn't on the cards. Dh carried on and on to the point i tapped his leg (out in the open, no table) to get him to shut up. He didn't so I then had to explain that he had wanted to be a director and not made up. It was embarassing.
To not drip feed; Before Christmas I was bleeding after sex, went to the dr's and had to go for various tests (it was a red flag for cervical cancer and i'd tested positive for hpv). The same day i'd been for a smear his dd had been taken to hospital. I told him to go and stay with his mum, which he did (3hr drive) he didn't come home when his dd was able to be discharged as he wanted to wait for some results instead of comming home when i was waiting for mine.
There's other things but he just seems so unaware of others especially me. This kind of thing has always gone on, i'm just not ignoring it now- probably peri.
I've suggested councilling but on reading up on it, it isn't helpful for people like dh as they can manipulate it. No idea what to do. We've been married 20+ years with a severley disabled ds.

If you managed to read all this - thank you. Not even sure what the aibu is, just needed to put it down in writing.

Unless there's loads more, it doesn't sound like your DH has done anything wrong. He was bigging your DB up, and supporting his DD who was actually in hospital rather than at home and well and just waiting for results like you were.

I think if his DD was actually in hospital and you’d had a smear the same day, he needed to prioritise his DD. They weren’t going to call you the same day with smear test results, surely? But maybe I’ve misunderstood something.

Does he have form for going on and on in conversation? If it's just this issue that's preying on his mind, I'd cut him some slack - we all need to vent sometimes and it can help talking through the issues.

The issue with his DD being taken to hospital - I assume if it was unplanned that she was ill/injured. It's unfortunate timing that this coincided with your smear, it is unpleasant having a smear, especially if you have reason to be worried about the results. But I can understand why he wanted to wait for his DD's results. Your smear test results won't be immediate, so hopefully he can be around when you get those.

You mention counselling and the potential for manipulation - can you expand on why you think this would happen? Based on what you've said so far it doesn't sound as though your DH has done anything wrong, but you're hinting that there's more to it than you've told us.

The smear test was because of the bleeding not because it was my regular time. His dd had been in hospital for a few days for which he had stayed with his dm. I was worried about the smear results as it was expected i needed to go for further tests because of the post sex bleeding. His dd could have been discharged but he and his dm fought to keep him as an inpatient until he had the results. He didn't even ask me how i was feeling about the test.

I am grateful for your replies as i need the comments. I feel like i can't trust my gut if that makes sense.

He/ we do have a turbulant history especially in regards to our extended family. His parents didn't want us to marry as i was a trollup, his dm's words but that was a very long time ago. His dd has always been a bit odd with comments etc he's very excentric and rude. I don't have much family and db has worked very hard to get to where he is. Dh and his mum/dad have always looked down on my family as they aren't wealthy/ educated - his family have inharited wealth not degree educated if that matters. Me and my dm are nc, my dad died over ten years ago.

Just to be clear i'd tested positive for hpv on the smear before not the one during the time dh's dd was in hospital- this was because of the bleeding with other yests too.

Are there more examples? He should have prioritised his DD. He isnt is parents. The incident with DB sounds like he was thoughtless but nothing that suggests things couldn't be helped in counselling because he is manipulative. That's not to say there isn't manipulation going on, it's just not evident in the examples you give.

Did anything come back on your results?

Tbh, I wouldn’t ask someone how they’re feeing about an upcoming medical examination because I’d assume it’s obvious? Also I think sometimes people avoid asking these questions if they aren’t in a position to offer support (ie he was already in hospital with DD)

Does DD here mean his dad? It usually means daughter, but i think you're talking about your husband's dad, rather than his child.

If his daughter had been in hospital and was waiting for results then I agree with others, it’s right he prioritised her.

I think there’s a lot of history fueling your interpretation of the conversation with your DB but it doesn’t sound particularly thoughtless. It’s seems like you’re implying he was judging your brother in some way but I can’t work out how?

I think if you’ve been married 20 years you’re far more aware of what he’s like that anybody who can advise you here. Bleeding after sex is very common.

I’m not sure what you want out of this op? He does sound a knobish but most middle aged husbands are one way or another. 🤷🏻‍♀️

he didn't come home when his dd was able to be discharged as he wanted to wait for some results instead of comming home when i was waiting for mine.

Sorry OP but YABU here.
Although I understand you were worried he’s not going to put your nerves above his own DC.

You’re a grown adult that can cope on their own. His child needed him and he needed to be there to ask questions etc.

I wouldn’t have even told him about my issue and would have told him to stay with his DC for as long as he needed.
Then I would have shared my news when he got home.

I’m not really sure how the job thing is relevant either.
I feel like you infantilised him a little bit here.
Why couldn’t he speak to DB about wanting to become a director.

You say there a lots of other examples which I’m sure there are but these don’t seem that bad and in fact you come across as the less favourable one.

But some people are very self absorbed naturally - have you ever told him this?

Dd = darling dad so his father, my father in law. Sorry, i thought this was right but yes i can see how it is totally confusing.

There are other things but now you've asked i'm struggling to list them. The big ones were years ago. My husband didn't come to ds2's scans inc the measurement scan because i'd had so many (ectopic and multiple miscarriages). He didn't come with me when i was admitted for sepsis following gyne work or pick me up to take me home on discharge- i had to get a taxi. Long time ago though.

That doesn't mean he hasn't done things just that i can't put them into words. Subtle things like saying he'll do something then doing the complete opposite or wording things so it sounds one way but the reality is different. Lot's of i'll try to do things, basic things like cleaning but never managing or not doing them.

You've a made me wonder if it's me now, may be i am over reacting.

I was wondering the same

My husband didn't come to ds2's scans inc the measurement scan because i'd had so many (ectopic and multiple miscarriages). He didn't come with me when i was admitted for sepsis following gyne work or pick me up to take me home on discharge- i had to get a taxi. Long time ago though.

These examples are awful!!

Can I ask why you stayed with him?

Why did he not go with you when you were admitted with sepsis or pick you up?
What was his excuse?

Yes OP said she meant dear dad.

He was working

Can you afford to book some counselling for yourself OP? A good counsellor would help you work through this over time and the issues would probably become clearer to you. It's hard to explain years of experience in one forum thread.

I agree some counselling might be good.

He has obviously been a less than perfect husband but it’s not a simple case of us telling you to leave him tomorrow.

I think talking it through with someone may help you come to terms with his past behaviour and make a plan for the future.

Thank you for your advice, i appreciate it.

It's not you, he does sound like knob. He should have been there for the scans and sepsis.

I would prioritise advocating for my father if I thought he was being discharged too soon from hospital over keeping you company when you were worried about tests I'm afraid. Sometimes priorities conflict and you have to choose.
His conversation with your brother sounds like just an annoying thing people sometimes do, when they get fixated on an idea. Not a sign of bad character.
So, in the context of a 20 year marriage, these wouldn't bother most people I think. The fact they're big for you indicates that you're generally unhappy, and have reached the point where everything he does that isn't ideal is another nail in the coffin, and every disappointment from the past that you got past at the time, is coming back to add to his flaws.
That's very hard to come back from.
If I were you I'd have a good think about what you want. Can you face another 20 years with him? Does that horrify you? How would life look alone? Better or worse? Are there any changes he could make that could improve things?