Another in laws one

[OnlyinParis]

I’m married to dh (I’ll call him Tom). Dh has a sister (Julie) and Julie is married to her dh (John).

I swear my in-laws wish that Dh could have married his sister.

Every time we see in laws all they go on about is how “Julie would love this”. When we bought our house all they could say was how Julie would love to have a house like it. If we go on holiday it’s “Julie would love to go there”. Because our house is a bit bigger than Julie and Johns in laws can’t stop going on about how Julie needs more space and Julie needs a house like this.

They are always putting Julie’s husband John down saying how he doesn’t do enough and he isn’t aspirational enough. So if dh (Tom) has done something in the house all I hear is how Julie would love a man like Tom. John doesn’t do all the amazing things that Tom does.

Julie and John are perfectly happy together and have got a perfectly nice life with a nice house, good incomes. They have prioritised different things, their area is nicer but the house is smaller. Just one example.

It’s almost like there is a jealousy thing from in laws if we or I, appear to have something that Julie doesn’t. We don’t have it any easier but there’s always an undertone of ‘poor Julie’.

Aibu to be sick of being compared?

Are they retired and is there world quite small I've noticed since my parents have retired all they do now is talk about family members and slag them off as they just don't really see anybody else or go anywhere so have nothing else to talk about. I usually just let them get on with it and try not to pay to much attention as its quite sad really as they just don'thave many people to talk to. They use to have jobs, hobbies,friends and travelled a lot a real full life and was interesting to talk to now there world is just us lot.

That is such an odd dynamic! I wonder what triggers it? They think their daughter deserves stuff more than you and their son? Very odd.

I’d feel more sorry for John (sorry I wrote tom first!!) tbh, it sounds like they make him feel awful for not making the same choices as your dh

Julie is their daughter. It sounds like they are just being annoying about expressing that they wish she was doing as well from a materialistic point of view as their son. I can’t see any reason to think they would prefer their children to be married to one another.

They are retired but they were like this even before.

Yes they are awful gossips about John and all of his perceived downfalls and weaknesses.

It’s like they think that no one is good enough for their offspring.

But we literally can’t say that we’ve bought anything, been anywhere or done anything without in laws bringing Julie and John into the equation.

I'd cut down the amount of times you see them, and tell them as little as possible about your lives. Would your DH agree with this approach?

The thing is Julie is doing well, just as well as us. It’s all in my in laws heads, which is why I think it’s a jealousy thing,

There are just differences. Such as our house is a bit bigger but Julie’s house is in a nicer area. We had a new kitchen but Julie and John bought a brand new car while we are driving a 10 year old car.

But it doesn’t stop in laws banging on about how they wish Julie could afford a new kitchen.

It sounds really annoying!

Put them on a total information diet.
Pull away gently but firmly.
They are toxic.
Parents like this fxxk up their children so badly so just gently back away.

I wonder what the ILs say about you and DH to SIL? IMO relatives who gossip about one person do it about everyone in the family and Id ask your DH to say something to them and keep my distance a bit.

They are retired but they were like this even before.

What's DH's take on this? Has he grown up with it so it's water off a duck's back and he says to just ignore it? If not, does he suggest how to deal with it?

I bet they slag you off to Julie and John too. They'll think their 2 kids absolute angels and no one will ever be good enough for them. People like that will be nice to your face and then talk crap about you.

@OnlyinParis your in laws sound so toxic, sounds like favouritism to me - like they favour their daughter over their son. So they seem to resent everything their son has, because they wish their daughter had it instead. No matter that their daughter has other things their son doesn’t have! That’s why I say it’s favouritism. And what’s even worse is that they are making no attempt to hide it..when someone tells you who they are, believe them the first time! Was that Maya Angelo? I think so.

Well I think at first dh was taking it as a compliment. In laws were slagging John off about his shortcomings. But it’s started to grate on dh because they are bringing finances into it. Saying that they wish Julie could afford a kitchen, they wish Julie could afford a holiday.

I have absolutely no doubt that they slag me off to Julie and John.

My DP's do similar. They constantly gossip or make up scenarios. They're constantly on about the family etc. Thing is, I work in a role where most family & friends are clients & know their finances & what they're doing.

I keep my mouth firmly shut, of course, but it's quite eye opening to hear the rubbish DM & occasionally DF spouts (especially about DB). I've had to leave the room occasionally to stifle an eye roll or stop a laugh, because what they say is so inaccurate & preposterous!!

I think they are just bored and create a reality from a comment or word. I only wonder what they say about me.....

They're definitely slagging you off to Julie and John too! They sound like they have sad empty lives if they spend their time putting other people down. I'd limit how much time you spend with them and if they start moaning about John, I'd just say 'Julie seems very happy to me'