Help me change my parenting

[stupididiot12345]

please help me find ways to help my son. He’s 12 and always been a quieter, gentle soul but since year 5/6 he’s become painfully shy. It’s started with adults but has now extended to his peers, relatives and even with us as parents. He literally freezes when someone asks him a question. He is very bright and doing well academically, but his teachers say he never puts his hand up or speaks up. It’s limiting his progress in sport too as he won’t interact with other players. Won’t call for the ball or join in team talks.

I want to help him but don’t know how to. He’s does scouts, football, rugby and in the summer we go on lots of camping trips with friends so has a well rounded social life. He likes gaming more and more and although is only allowed this on weekends, he would literally sit all afternoon on his devices. He is not on social media media so I don’t think he is accessing anything that he shouldn’t.

we have 3 boys so the house can be quite chaotic at times but we run a tight ship and myself and more so my husband can be quite strict about behaviour. I sometimes wander whether we have been too strict and are suppressing his character.

what can I change to help him?

He sounds lovely, just quiet? Tight ship is required with 3 kids please don’t beat yourself up about it. Ask school to ask him the questions as he won’t himself but knows the answers as you e said he’s smart?

Better to accept and love him the way he is.

Thank you. Yes we’ve said that to the teachers. I understand him being quiet in class but it’s more sport and socially I want him to be able to open up. I’ve just take him and a friend out and in the car he’s silent so I’m worried it comes across as rude and friends won’t want to spend time with him. I can see he wants to talk but just can’t?

I’m trying not to beat myself up over it but want to help him before he gets any older

I would start by asking him if he was happy, if there was anything worrying him as you noticed he was quite at times and if there was anything he needed from you.

Yes I do that. At bedtime he opens up to me but it’s never worries as such. Sometimes it might be but never the same theme

I would just keep chatting, if you make a thing about it you might make him more self conscious.

was he chatty with his friend when you weren’t around so much?

I think so? Hard to know really

We have kind of made it a thing now and said to him that he has to try and speak more - for instance we took him and a friend to a rugby match that was over an hour away and he really did try and did really well but it’s just so hard for him and then as soon as we are around much more boisterous noisy boys he’s friends gravitate to them and he gets left behind. It’s just so hard to watch

I was the same as a child, the worst thing anyone did was point it out. That made me more self-conscious and made it even harder to speak. Luckily I had some extended family and friends who were amazing, they would talk to me and ask the odd question that helped me come out of my shell. I never got comfortable with the ones who commented on how quiet I was or called me rude.

Thank you. Good to hear of some experiences. Glad you had good family and friends that helped you. I was also shy as a child but think I was out of by maybe age 8. So now that we’re into the secondary school days I just want to be able to help him but no idea how to

I must add that no one has ever called him out to his face. They comment to myself and my parents that he’s quiet and we just smile and say yes he is.

His sports coaches have said that they feel like he is scared of them