To feel stressed about this full on weekend?

[ScullyD]

I didn’t want to say anything more identifying in the title in case my friends are on mumsnet.

my friend’s husband died last month abroad and they had the funeral etc (he was also my friend). we all met in a different country we all used to call home so we’re going back there for a long weekend to celebrate him. Up to 30 of us.

The main tribute is all day on Saturday and I am expecting it to be cathartic but also draining. Now there are plans to also do another thing he loved on the Sunday followed by a lunch on the Monday.

I think people are wildly underestimating how difficult Saturday will be and I was hoping to spend some of Sunday exploring my old haunts in my favourite park/cafe etc.

Do you think it would be ok to let plans diverge a bit to do my own thing for one of the days? Or should I put my own wants aside for this trip to support my friend?

It doesn't sound that full on tbh, I'm sure there'll be time to do something on your own as well. But yes, this trip is to support her. You can always go back and visit for nostalgia another time

It seems to be very selfish for you to plan to go sightseeing during this memorial weekend. Well, I wouldn’t do that. I think you just have to get on with being drained but there to support your friend and each other. Maybe book a day off work when you get back to recover?

IT Would be very rude of you to do that, if the purpose was to be there to support your friend. You can always go back another time. But to be there, and just wander off doing something else would be very rude. I would rather you not come.
it might end up too much, and they might not follow through with all the plans but you need to let her take the lead on that.

@Barrenfieldoffucks I think the main issue is that the Saturday will be the funeral for most of us. And I usually feel flat out the day after a funeral.

I know you’re right though. I need to support her. But there will be other friends there too

Of course you can't just wander off and do your own thing. This trip is about supporting your friend who's lost her husband, not for you to revisit old haunts.

I think you need to suck it up for your friend. Being drained is nothing compared to what your friend is going through.

I’ve been supporting my friend on the phone every week since it happened. And I supported him up until the end with the illness.

The weekend is about supporting your friend though. Yes you may feel flat out and drained but think about what she’s going through, I’m sure you can put up with being a bit drained for a weekend to support your friend.

And your friend needs your support now just as much as they did then. It's one weekend, I'm sure you can cope.

I expect a lot of it will be reminiscing about the good times and celebrating his life. I hope it won't be too depressing. I would stick with the arrangements that have been made, if everyone drifts off on the Sunday it will be really disappointing for his widow.

I was about to share my sympathy when I read the title as this is something I really struggle with and need rest days but then when I read your post and you plan to take a day away to go sightseeing I lost all sympathy. This weekend is for your friend not you if you want to spend a day sightseeing stay an extra day

This isn’t about sightseeing. I lived in the city so it was my home for a long time. I wanted to take 2-3 hours to myself.

but I agree I need to out my feelings aside for my friend. It’s going to be a very hard time.

It really doesn’t sound that full on. There’s only the Saturday that is fully taken up. There will be time around the activity on Sunday and the lunch on Monday.

I understand you might feel flat and drained but this weekend will be incredibly important to your friend and what you’re feeling won’t be a fraction of what she is. Please mae sure you keep the focus on her and supporting her. You can plan a trip for your own agenda a different time. That weekend definitely isn’t the right time

No, I think that would come across as extremely crass OP.

Surely the reason you're going is to support your widowed friend?

If you go off on a jolly, you're going to look as though you only went due to FOMO.

Very bad idea and a bit disrespectful.

Just see how you feel when you go and bail if it's too much.

I lost my mum last year and there's no way I could manage to do a whole commemorative weekend with 30 people. Nor would my mum want me to do that.

With respect, however much you’ve supported her you have absolutely no idea what she’s going through and will go through in the years to come. Suck it up.

The OP's friend (the most important person in all of this) has lost her husband.

And clearly can and will do a commemorative weekend, so it's irrelevant what others would or wouldn't have wanted.

It's about what someone can personally manage, it's not all about the main person bearing the loss. Memorials and funerals are for the living.

Agreed.

So if the OP thinks she's unable to manage the weekend as it's been planned, she can choose not to go.

This would come across as more respectful than skipping off on a personal jolly.

I just don't think she should risk upsetting the widow and the other 30 people.

I do agree with this too. I had 4 bereavements last year, including one first anniversary my close relative next weekend, the week before this event.

people describing a few hours to myself as a jolly or sightseeing are way way off the mark. It’s not about going off to have fun, it’s about staying afloat.

@OptiMumm to be honest the plan was always one tribute event across a day. I booked on that basis.

since then more plans have been booked for all the days. Which is new.

I think you need to play it by ear @ScullyD . You are not being selfish to think that you might need to take a couple of hours away from the whole 'performance' (because let's face it that's what it is).
You may not need to but it's up to you, nobody else, if you do.

To be fair * I was hoping to spend some of Sunday exploring my old haunts in my favourite park/cafe etc.*

OP I think the truth is you think you’re being reasonable and are now back tracking to see if people will agree with you.
You said in your OP you wanted to explore old haunts and cafes. That’s very different to taking a few hours to stay afloat. I’m sure you’d have time in your accommodation to do that around the lunch etc. you don’t need to go off exploring to have time to yourself.

you are being unreasonable. End of. Don’t go if it’s too much. And like I said in my previous post, the weekend really isn’t that full on. And to the person who calls this a performance - that’s pretty crass. People deal with grief in different ways and the widow organising this is very unlikely to be making this a performance . She just lost her husband. I cannot imagine the grief she’s going through. And I can’t imagine trying to prioritise myself this weekend. Prioritise yourself when you get back or before you go but not during the weekend