Another hen do one

[honeyb3]

Close friend is getting married at the end of summer. Her sister (also a good friend) is arranging the hen do. Apparently it’s a surprise but I feel like bride has given some specifications as anything I or friends have suggested has been shot down. It appears bride wants to go abroad but isn’t bothered where.

I know some people will find this really wet but I have never been away from my dc for longer than a night and certainly never been out of the country. I feel very anxious about it. Dh will cope but it will be difficult and I know this because I find it difficult alone and I do it more often! And never for that long.

Then there’s the cost, the time off work and just the fact I don’t really want to do it. I don’t like sharing a room with other people (health issues) and at the moment the whole idea is filling me with dread.

It’s a very small party - think 5 or 6 people so if I don’t go it’s going to be very obvious and I feel terrible as I love my friend. It’s probably one of those things I’d enjoy once I got back and looked at the memories of it. But the thought of it just doesn’t appeal to me and I don’t understand why people can’t just have simple, cheap hen dos anymore! Why can’t it be a simple night out or even a couple of days away in the UK.

I really would feel so bad if I didn’t go but also bad if I leave my dc. It’s a lose lose situation.

When I had my hen I booked the function room of my local pub and it was great, loads of people came because it was cheap and easy and I had a lovely time. I just feel a bit resentful of being put in this position. Aibu.

I can't be doing with these hen dos abroad. I just feel its asking too much of people- nip it in the bud now and just advise unfortunately due to holiday/money/childcare that you won't make it. Yanbu

I wouldn't go. We don't want to spend our money on abroad single trips but family holidays abroad. Can't have both cost of living...

Just blame finances and annual leave if you work. Your friend shouldn't want you to be out if pocket.

I honestly feel annoyed at being put in a position where I’m going to feel awful if I don’t comply. I know that’s a me problem but I would. She is a very close friend and I’m sure if I went it would be fine but I’d definitely miss my young dc like mad. And the cost and time is a lot too. Everyone is different and I know a couple of the other girls regularly go away without their dc but I’ve just never had the opportunity or desire to do it.

If it had been something smaller and in this country of course I would have gone.

You’re not being unreasonable when you had such a sensible affordable and convenient hen do.
if you’d had a trip to Vegas and she’d spent lots on that they you would have been being unreasonabke Though.

You have plenty of very valid reasons for not going on this hen do.
If the bride and her sister are both good friends then they should understand when you tell them that you won't be joining them.
Not going doesn't mean you think any less of your friend. These ott hen dos aren't obligatory .

I would tell the friend I can’t go abroad but would love to take her out for a special pre wedding dinner or afternoon tea. Or maybe a bottomless brunch and she can invite other friends that can’t make the abroad hen too if she likes (a rival hen do lol)

I wouldn’t go and I wouldn’t feel bad about it - I’m not wasting annual leave, an unnecessary trip abroad and spending money on a hens. The childcare/leaving child would be a lesser issue for me but I don’t blame you for not wanting to do this either.
My only advice is to opt out now as there is nothing worse than people dropping out at the last minute.

Send a message saying “Hi all, I just wanted to say early, before anything is booked, that any overseas trip or UK residential thing for more than a night will have to count me out unfortunately due to family responsibilities. If you decide to do something local as well, please let me know. I’ll come off the group so you can plan. Have a great time!”

Don't feel bad.
She has chosen an event that many simply can't be a part of.
Practical as well as financial.
Tbh she isn't a great friend acting like this.

Usually people who have a stag/hen do abroad have another for friends who couldn’t make it/ were not invited to the overseas and include family members that they might not have wanted on the main trip. You will not be alone in not wanting to spend time and money on this.

This. It’s no biggie.

One of the few joys of being a teacher when I was of the age where everyone was getting married was being able to turn down hen/wedding abroad due to not being able to book holidays.
And no leave available works better than not wanting to leave children or money as an excuse. People can't wheedle round it, as they'll try and do.

Call the bride and let her know that you can’t make the abroad hen do but would love to do something together to celebrate. Once you’ve squared it with her, let the group know.

Unless she’s a wanker, she’ll know that the world doesn’t revolve around her wedding and the associated celebrations.

A couple of my friends love doing birthday trips/hen dos abroad and I have done a couple with them, I am a wet lettuce for the first few hours crying about leaving my babies etc 🤣 but you know what my friends are really supportive understanding and non judgemental they know I will be sad for a few hours… then pull myself together and have a lovely time.

I have also declined a few for numerous reasons/money/timings/missing my babies etc and again they have been supportive of my decision. Good friends should understand and just be sad that you couldn’t attend not be mad that you are not attending.