Is this a fair split?

[Confusedorabused]

I work full time, due to commute leave the house 6:30am get back 6:30pm. DH works about 15hours/week on evenings after I"m back home. If it makes any difference, I make pretty much all the money to support the family.
Things he does every day: school run, takes care of kids (5yo and 8yo) after school, cooking (but leave all mess on counter: egg shells, onion peels, dishes)
Things he does ad-hoc: DIY when needed, garden in Summer, bins out (probably 50/50), wash pots/pans that dont go on dishwasher (I probably do around 60% of that though).
Things I do every day: kids homework, bedtime, dishwasher in/out, clean kitchen (counter, floor as there will akways be crumbs even from breakfast), laundry (there's loads as his work gets clothes dirty and kids are small), washing pots/pans (60% of that), bins (50/50).
Things I do ad-hoc: school projects with kids, school admin (pay for trips, all the "dressed as something" day, "collection for charity" day), checking new providers of internet/insurances/renewing mortgage, buying kids new clothes/shoes and donating old ones, birthday parties (our kids and their friends/buying gifts), doctor/dental appointments.
I think have it much worse (I'm always exhausted) and have tried talking about it in every way imaginable but it never lands. It only started to feel this way after we have kids...
For the house cleaning we have a cleaner once a week.
So:
YABU: It may be a bit unfair but he pulls his weight
YANBU: I wouldn't put up with this.

You need a reset here. Can you reduce the commute? Burnout ahoy. You know this is not fair and Im pretty sure he does too?

Thanks for replying. I have a very good paying job but over 1hr commute tried to find others closer but would not get half of current salary.
He "seems" to not see it as unfair as he does a lot, but my expectations are much more than that and I can't communicate that . .

Yanbu....Starters for 10
He should be doing ALL of this

dishwasher in/out, clean kitchen (counter, floor as there will akways be crumbs even from breakfast), laundry (there's loads as his work gets clothes dirty and kids are small)

He has 20+ hours a week to do it.

He should be doing homework and bed with one of the children or you alternate days.

Dont bother arguing just download and play the fair play card game with him one evening (Google it)
Then say omay so i make 85% of the money and do 80% of the work at home....thoughts?

Listen to him chunter and say you think you may have breakdown if this continues then hand over some jobs...

OMG I have that book and cards and he says its bullocks and won't even entertain trying it!

Tell him its really fucking simple... you will separate if he doesnt.
And mean it.

You will end up burned out if you carry on.
I say this as someone who personally has felt the effects of doing too much / being under too much stress
spoiler alert: I have now got approx 50% less hair now than I did 12 months ago!

Ypur kids are old enough for an aupair or live in nanny.
I would convert a dining room into a bedroom if needed and tell him to fuck off.
And id mean it.

I've been seriously considering it but bothered are circumstances which prevent me from separating right now.
I've started therapy and setraline recently due to ongoing stress so yes I know what you mean. But its hard ro see the light at the end of the tunnel....

So what is he doing during the day when the kids are at school? If I’ve read this right he is home and works in the evenings?

I feel for you 💐

Honestly read what your have written... I would be in therapy and on meds too anyone would.

If you were my friend I would tell you I think you should "play the game" on your own so you can the unequal load in black and white with your own eyes. Then discuss with your therapist what living separately could look like / how it could practically work vs your life now. Which would make ypu happier? What would your life look like in 5 yrs in each scenario?

You've read this right, some days he works 1hr here or there (he WFH but really few hours) but apparently he does a lot (when it suits him, hewill wssk the pots/pans, take the bins out, whenever theres any DYI he will do it but as weall know thats not frequent). Im not sure what occupies his whole f* day and I've felt frustrated and then angry about it and now I'm just fed up.

Wiping down the kitchen counter as he goes along, emptying the dishwasher and doing the laundry during the weekdays would lessen your load. Especially, if you are doing homework and bedtimes. Weekends of you are both off you can do more.

How did this division of labour start? Are you someone who tutts and sighs, rage cleaning muttering 'I may as well do it myself' instead of suggesting he does it. Is he a half arsed can't be bothered person, or I'll do it in a minute but secretly happy you are doing it?

You say you are earning a good wage - suggest he chips in for a housekeeper.

You nailed it here:
Is he a half arsed can't be bothered person, or I'll do it in a minute but secretly happy you are doing it?
Before kids it didn't really matter that much but it all grown exponentially after you have kids and resentment is taking the better of me tbh.
I'm not fussed about tiddiness and cleaning at all, not a "houseproud" person. I dont even iron! (Can't bother and dont care) but we all need clean dishes and clothes and cannot have 2-day-old pasta crusts and cereal bits around the kitchen floor?
We do have a clearer once a week but its quite expensive where we are and hard ro afford more than that.

So once he's taken the children to school and probably back home by around 9.30am, WTAF does he do with his remaing 6hrs of free time during the day?!
We all know you're not being unreasonable here OP. You need to stop doing the clearing up/dishwasher type stuff etc and leave it for him to do during the day! Just stop doing it and let it pile up.

We have an agreement that if one of us is not working (as is the case at the moment) then that person, more or less, does the domestic lion's share.

So, the way I would look at this is between you, work and commuting takes up 75 hours a week of your joint time.

In percentage terms, you do 80% of the working hours and your husband does 20% . Added to this, you have to get up early and commute, plus you have the return journey to contend with.

I would suggest this weighs the split in your favour to 90% versus 10%

This means your husband should be roughly doing 90% of the home based tasks.

Why doesn’t he get a full time job?

Years ago my dh and I got into a 'who is more tired' kind of competition, and it was hard to see the wood for the trees as we both felt like we were doing a lot. We sat one night and listed all the tasks, everything from the tiny 30s jobs to things which take hours each week. We then allocated them in a spreadsheet against who did them, or proportionally if we both did. Then it was clear I was spending much more time doing tasks than he was, and had much less downtime - the maths made it unarguable. We were both working similar hours at that point so we didn't include that, but your calculation should include working time too for you both, and commuting.

it wouldn't tell you anything you don't know (ie obviously he isn't pulling his weight, you don't need any maths to tell you that), but it was a less emotional, more practical way of going about things. We both tend to prefer building habits so we just allocated the jobs to either one or the other of us, and went from there.

if he wouldn't sit with you and do it, you could do your own spreadsheet and give it to him, the bottom line is that he needs to do more, you will keel over otherwise. Good luck

I was always a SAH parent and DH worked the long hours with the long commute. But I did everything at home and with the children in the week. I even did some stuff I thought a bit pointless because DH liked it done and it made his life better. The only things on your list that he did were the internet/tv/mortgage stuff. And I had loads of time to volunteer and do stuff just for me. What does your dh actually do all day?

Thanks for everyone that commented. I honestly have tried addressing this so many ways... have let things pile up (and they DO), worked out charts with him, had endless conversations but nothing changes.
I thought maybe IWBU as he does take cre of the kids before and after school and always cooks. But yes I have actually told him if the working arrangements were different I would be doing basically everything in the house and he could get some rest when he was back from work.... so I feel its unfair

It might be minor in the whole mess but I'd stop washing his clothes. Let him sort his dirty work clothes out

I work 30 hours during school hours (and same in school holidays). DH and I both get the DDs up and ready for school, but I do all pick ups, dinners, loading the dishwasher, roughly half the washing up, buying groceries, laundry, homework, roughly half the bedtimes, most of the tidying. Yes it's unequal (DH has some health issues), but wanted to point out what your DH could be doing. He ABSOLUTELY should be doing more of the day to day grind.

Have you thought about showing him this thread?

The danger is resentment. Once that sets in it's like marriage mould. It's an instant 'ick' and hard to come back from.

This. Laundry is an obvious thing that the person who is home all day should be doing. Plus why doesn't he do the kids' homework with them? You're not getting back till 6.30 so what are they all doing between school finish and then?

Is it worth trying to pick off one thing at a time, given how resistant he's been to the idea of looking at your overall workloads? Try saying homework is now his thing.

Sounds to me like he has a hobby, not a job. The problem is the timing - he disappears off to do his 'job' just as you get home from a long day, leaving you all the family stuff to do. This just wouldn't work for me. He must have so much free time during the week!!

I agree. I definitely would not do any of his washing or any of his personal admin/shopping needs etc. anything just for him, he can do. Another lazy cunt expecting his partner to do everything

I think I would do the following:

• List all jobs that need doing (regardless of who currently does them) in a table. This should include traditional house work, childcare, admin etc.
• Add cadence: when the job needs doing (per day/week/month/year or adhoc).
• Add time requirements (picking up children from school etc).
• Validate list with your husband and invite him to add to it.
• Colour code who currently does the job.
• Then together size the jobs by estimating the effort.

Identify the time available for household jobs - time available to you both outside of working hours. Distribute the jobs fairly based on time available.

I believe that the part time working parent needs to take on more of the household work (childcare is included as household work though).

I would be stating how unhappy you are and that this is your solution to a fair split. If he doesn’t listen or acknowledge your unhappiness then it might be time for ultimatum.

I work full time from home and get more done in my lunch hour then he does in a whole day.