Failing my children and Husband

[toblerone3]

Don’t know how to say this out loud, it’s like I can’t get my words out but I can write my feelings easier so as a long time user of Mumsnet, I’ve come for some advice/support/a kick up the backside.

I have an almost 3 year old DD and a 4 month old DS. I’ve been married for 12 years this year, we were childhood sweethearts and I’m still just as in love with him now as I was then.

On paper, I have a Husband who owns his own business, works hard, he’s kind, a hands on Dad, he’s affectionate to me, caring, we rarely argue, our children adore him, we have a lovely home which is calm and a million miles from what I experienced as a child, we can afford a holiday abroad each year, we can afford heating and food, our DD has just started nursery 2 days a week 9-3pm and I’m fortunate enough to be able to be a SAHM until DS is 2 and then I’ll go back to work part time.

I had a rocky childhood, drug addict/alcoholic Mum, Dad who was happy to let his parents raise me when my Mum and him divorced, there was domestic abuse from both sides, I often was picked up at 2/3am because the police had been called and they’d call my Nan & Grandad to come and get me (this is from age 3-8), I was sexually abused by a family friend also. At 8, I went to live with my Grandparents permanently and they gave me the best childhood from then on. I married at 21 and had sadly lost my Grandad to cancer the year before. My Nan died 4 years later of cancer too.

I suffer with anxiety and depression, on medication since my early teens and finally it’s been under control after a mental breakdown in 2021 after my 13th miscarriage (with no cause found), I spent some time in a psychiatric hospital, attended therapy and we conceived a year later, our 14th pregnancy and our beautiful DD.

I had one more miscarriage when DD was around 1 then went on to having another healthy pregnancy and DS was born last September.

BUT I feel like the shittest Mum and wife.

DD wants me to play all of the time and I really cannot stand it, I get so bored, I really don’t want to sit on the floor for hours moving figures around pretending to be fairies etc I lose interest quickly and find myself wishing I was alone for just 15 minutes because I feel so overstimulated. I hate even writing this, she’s my whole heart and I love her to death, I’d happily take a bullet for her without a second thought but asking me to play fairies again? No thank you. But I do it. For a while. Then I feel guilty that I’m not doing housework.

That leads me on to my next “thing”, I am obsessed with keeping the house immaculate, I hate crumbs, dust, clutter, toys out, I clean every single day and I cannot relax or settle my mind until I have done so. So, I end up telling her “mummy will play in a minute” over and over until I’m satisfied that the house is clean enough but by then it’s like she’s sick of hearing it and she’s playing by herself then I feel overwhelming guilt which makes me cry.

Then there is DS, I spent so long just cuddling DD, walking with her in her pram (born in spring), playing with her etc but DS practically lives in his swing seat until the evening except from feeding, some playing on his play mat, nappy changes and the odd 2 minute cuddle before DD wants me again. I feel so much guilt towards him.

I thought I’d hate DD being at nursery but I love it, she loves it and it means I get some time to sort things/interact with DS more/clean uninterrupted.

DD is a fussy eater, we rotate 5 meals we know she’ll eat and she is not a fan of fruit or veg even though I weaned her on healthy foods. Another thing to feel guilty about. She also refuses to potty train/toilet train despite us buying 2 potties, steps for the toilet, she chose some character knickers etc. my friends children of the same age are now dry in the day.

I’m constantly exhausted, my brain doesn’t rest, I go to bed and even after taking a sleeping tablet I’ll wake up thinking of something random I need to do (stupid things like sort out kids clothes and bag up what no longer fits them for charity) which I won’t actually do for 3 months because I’ll keep putting it off and procrastinating whilst being annoyed at myself for not doing it.

I feel overwhelmed ALL of the time, I feel touched out, tired, overstimulated. My sex drive is practically non existent bar a few days of the month because of this pure exhaustion I feel. I just can’t see why I can’t be happy/why I’m not happy. Kids both sleep well, we’ve been lucky. I don’t work, I have no excuse to be tired.

I feel like I’m failing them all and I don’t know what to do about it, I’ve even thought maybe I could have inattentive ADHD but there’s just constantly noise in my head no matter what.

Sometimes I just think they’d be better off without me but over my dead body will I ever leave them scarred from childhood like I am but what if I already am by refusing to play for hours a day etc? I just don’t know what to do or who to turn to anymore 😢

Despite all of this, our DD is happy, funny, amazing, we have proper conversations, we read to her, she’s loved and cuddled and kissed and adored so much (as is DS).

If you’ve read this all then thank you and I’m sorry for the ramblings but I feel like my head is going to explode.

Im so sorry to read what you went through as a kid. I just wanted to reach out and say I totally get how you are feeling. I have been there with being very overwhelmed and having 2 young children is hard. I have a 3 year old and a 1 year old and so often I feel over stimulated, over whelmed and so knackered! I actually found going back to work has been so good for my mental health because I need a break from childcare sometimes just to feel normal again!
Do not beat yourself up about the imaginative play, it really is so boring sometimes and I think we all feel that way. I quite often talk to friends about imaginative play and we all roll our eyes and say how its tough to stay enthusiastic about it! It sounds to me like you might need a break every now and again for some you time to help you feel sane again. Ask for help if you can and just know that you are not alone in how you feel. I certainly have (and often still do) felt like you do. Your kids would absolutely not be better off with out you, you are showing up for them every day and that is amazing.

Please be kind to yourself. You have a four month old - you are barely out of the post-partum stage! You need some rest to recharge and this is not always easy with two small children, let alone one as tiny as your DS. I’m sorry I can’t offer more advice but perhaps see your GP to see if they can get you a referral for a counsellor to talk about this. Hopefully they will help you out some steps in place to feel more in control and deal with those difficult parts.

Also - you may not be in paid employment but you sure are doing work!! Don’t forget this.

Honestly, I worked in early years and found imaginative play so boring!
I know you don't like mess but maybe activities like cooking, play dough, cutting and sticking, drawing and painting, dancing will be better. You could have DS in a sling on you while doing these. Then there's outdoors, again with DS strapped to you.
On another note, have you considered therapy for your childhood issues?
You sound like a brilliant caring mum who just needs a bit of support and some confidence building.

OP, when I tell you I could have written this post.

We are literally living parallel lives, right down to the waking up in the night thinking about random shit that needs sorting out and then forgetting to do it. I have also wondered if I have ADHD.

My childhood was nowhere near as difficult as yours but I too was SA by a family member and my dad left the country when I was a child for another woman. So I have some idea.

The imaginative play thing, I think so many mums feel like that. I also tell my kid I’ll play with him in a minute whilst doing things I probably don’t need to be doing.

The guilt about not spending time with your second, we are right there with you. Mine are 2.5yrs and 7 months and I’ve never taken the baby to a single baby group/activity without his brother being there (and inevitably demanding my attention).

Mum guilt is real and so intense. No matter what you do you feel like you’re failing.

No real advice here other than just to let you know you’re not alone. As the previous comment said, your kids would a million percent NOT be better off without you. The impact that would have on them would be devastating. It sounds like you’re doing an amazing job, a great mum who’s just a bit overwhelmed and overstimulated just like the rest of us. You’ve got this. Ask for help if you can, if you have people around you. Talk to your husband about it. Talk to your friends. You are doing such a great job 🫶🏻

I'm so sorry you feel overwhelmed.

I have one child, now 55 years old and the things i did to distract them for even seconds, amaze me now.

We used to play"I bet you sixpence you cannot stay silent for five minutes " . That bought me five precious minutes and "I can beat you to the next lamppost". Two or three seconds. When they were about six " can you run and push the button on the crossing before me? " another couple of quiet seconds. And so on.

Those seconds saved my sanity. Small children (well my one)are "on" every minute they are awake.

Ohh, and colouring books were good too. I could feign a passing interest in what colour the Dragon should be.

I don't think you're failing at all. You've had an enormous amount of trauma on your plate, starting in your childhood and going through to all those miscarriages. It's no wonder you are feeling overwhelmed.

It's very normal for a second child to have less attention than the first. That's just how life is. Carve out what you can for your DS, don't beat yourself up.

You say you're a SAHM but you find it difficult to play with a two year old - that's really normal. Have you considered that it might be better for you to go back to work at least part time, if you can afford the childcare, once your youngest is 1? It may be that a combination of time for yourself at work and time with your children will bring you out of yourself.

Lastly, have you had counselling or therapy for all the trauma you have been through? You seem very quick to blame yourself, but you have been through so much more than most people, and it may be that you need more support.

Home start charity might be helpful to you..

You have done amazingly well building the life you have after what you went through, and well as having the introspection to see some things you'd like to improve too.

Firstly I would say, playing with small kids can be so dull. I always played with kids, my job was working with kids and I thought I'd have so much energy for it as a mum ... no. My solution is to be out and about half the day, a morning outing then lunch/naps/quiet time with a bit of tv, then a few hours play in afternoon while dipping out to do chores/include my son in kitchen stuff by having his toddler tower out, he paints his cars or "does the dishes".

This leads on to the main thing, I think you need to acknowledge that your cleanliness fixation is what is really pulling you away from the mum you want to be and you need to let it go a bit and do some in the evening/get your husband to help do some too, or get a cleaner in once a week. It's completely understandable you want an ordered clean home after what you went through, it's very common, but you've come so far as to see it's not helping and making you feel bad, when you shouldn't.

Does your boy accept a sling? I found a forward facing carrier great to include my son when he was about 4 months onwards was brilliant, he was close and interacted with but I had my hands free. 2nd born rub along fine too, he'll be stimulated by his sisters antics but if you want him closer without it impeding your activities then a carrier is a good bet.

Remember that even with the best childhood behind someone, a baby and a toddler is alot! You're doing so well, and you and your husband have given your little ones a lovely start in life with financial security as well as lots of.time with their mum.

Please speak to your gp
You can show what you wrote here
You can get help and support

Do you know if your parents took drugs when you were conceived and/or in the womb? Were you told that drugs were taken in front of you as a young one?

Don't answer these questions on MN, but they would have had a considerable impact on you without your knowledge.

You are the best Mum your children will ever have. As long as you love them and are doing your best that is all they want. Go to your doctor and ask for a mental health assessment, probably depression, caused by your childhood.

Do not blame yourself, just try and get sorted mentally. Wishing you all the best.

You had a terrible childhood until your amazing Grandparents took over, it is incredible that you are as together as you are after your start in life.

Your wonderful DD and DS are fed (even as fussy eaters), clothed, loved and well looked after by you and your DH. You have two very young DC and you are in the tough overwhelming part of childhood where someone constantly needs something from you. Even if they are not asking for attention, your brain is telling you that you need to think of the next thing that needs doing. It is incredibly tiring even without a new Baby who is probably not sleeping much. You are doing a fantastic job.

Almost every parent struggles (not all), with the playing with young children. Some parents are great at it, most just sit there counting down the minutes until they can say, I just have to put the washing on, cook dinner etc.

With the worrying about keeping the house immaculate, I imagine it stems from something you can control, with all the chaos of small children. Try to relax a little with the cleaning. Your DD going to Nursery is a great thing if she enjoys it too. Just try to enjoy a little time with DS while DD is at Nursery. DS will be as happy as Larry fed, loved and watching his sister run around the house while he is in his swing seat.

All the things you are worrying about are the same for most mums with a baby and toddler. With DD and potty training just wait it out for a bit, until it is warmer. She will probably see other children going to the toilet at Nursery and may well decide to give it a try soon enough.

You are an amazing mum.

Set aside 1hour to sit-down and play with your DD without interruptions per day.

Knowing that you’ve given her your sole-attention for a set amount of time, then you can move-on guilt free.

If you find this working, then do the same for DS but as he’s only 4 months maybe 2 x 20 minutes. When he gets to sitting up stage, you can put him in a Bumbo and include your DD in the play with DS, by simply gentle rolling the ‘large’ ball to each other for instance.

Once you’ve fulfilled your play-time with each child you can move on to your cleaning without the guilt of saying ‘mummy has the house-work to-do now. You go off and enjoy your toys’. Or you could by DD a toy cleaning trolley if she wants to just copy what you’re doing.

Create a timetable for yourself. A bit of structure should help you.

This. It sounds like the cleaning compulsion is something separate to tackle, but you're not a shit mum. ❤️ I have a 1 year old and 3 year old, and honestly their play is so boring. The lovely bit is seeing them light up at spending time with you.

Set timers for tasks if you and your little ones need visual reminders. "Mummys going to spend 15min on the laundry, and then we'll read a story". And if you tell them you're going to do a task then play, follow through. None of us are always available to our kids, no matter what people say online! But it's important they know they matter, so layering them into your day in carved out chunks is how I manage it.

I would also say the first few months after a new baby are extremely hard - I needed therapy on both of mine - so please give yourself some grace. ❤️

Edited to add, when mum guilt swarms me I tell myself "They're safe, warm and fed. They're loved and they know it. I'm doing a great job". Sounds like that's true of yours too.

OP, you have no reason to feel bad at all - you are doing great. You are also putting far too much pressure on yourself as a mother. It is a very very modern thing that children have to be entertained all the time. We were rarely played with as children - we turned out fine.

Like a PP said, perhaps set an hour a day aside to play with, read to your child etc. After that, they can learn to entertain themselves, as children have done for generations! Get them fresh air every day and let them learn to make fun themselves! Parents are run into the ground now as they have such high expectations of themselves and I actually do not think it does children favours in the long-term.

You are doing a brilliant job. You have two young children which must be so draining.

I have one child and I’ve always found make believe play excruciating! I can do literally anything else, parks, craft, baking, reading, bikes etc…..and I’m sure you do all these things too. But please don’t beat yourself up about that. Can you delegate that type of play to your husband or maybe another family member? Thankfully both my mum and husband were pretty good at role play (or at least tolerated it!) whereas I just hated every second.

Also your daughter will get plenty of make believe play at nursery and before you know it the baby will have grown up and they can entertain each other.

You sound very overwhelmed and you are doing a great job but you need to take the pressure off yourself.

Never ever did make believe play. Drawing, crafts, out door play imaginative play made me want to pluck my eye balls out

Much of this sounds like normal really. Most parents, or at least a lot, do not enjoy playing with small children. That's fine, doesn't mean you don't love them, you don't have to love playing with them, but even a bit is fine. I usually found I quite enjoyed it if I let myself enjoy it - but in short doses. Someone has suggested setting aside an hour for it, honestly I think half an hour would be just fine and may be easier to cope with. But see what works for you.

@ZaraCC is right - playing with small kids is a fairly new thing. I'm of a generation where I was plonked in a playpen or cot while my mum did stuff during the day, as was normal at the time, and I have a very close and loving relationship with my mum and always have.

The compulsive cleaning thing is maybe the biggest issue here as it clearly causes you a lot of disquiet - I often recommend Dr David B Burn's 'Feeling Good Handbook' for stuff like this, it might help you understand it's not the end of the world if the house isn't perfect

Oh OP, you're not a rubbish mum, you sound like a loving caring mum who is in the thick of looking after a busy toddler and a small baby! Believe me, no-one finds this easy, it's exhausting and pretty relentless! If you were a rubbish mum, you wouldn't be worried about not enjoying playing or whether she's getting a healthy diet! You do this because you care, because you have their best interests at heart!

With the obsessive cleaning, I think you might benefit from seeing your GP and getting referred for some therapy - you might be developing OCD tendencies arising from your childhood experiences and it is very treatable.

With the pretend play - I don't know many parents who enjoy it, we do it because we know it's good for our children's development and because we love them! So don't feel bad that you just endure it, do it in small bursts and then move on to another activity. Get your little one involved in 'helping' you with chores, mine loved having a little broom for sweeping or a damp cloth for wiping tables and chairs and it keeps them occupied for ages!

It sounds like you are getting the balance right, juggling the needs of baby and toddler. Of course we have more time for our first baby but second and subsequent children also have the benefit of a busy toddler to watch and learn from. Mine would happily sit in their bouncy chair watching their brothers dash about and playing! With my 5th baby, I felt I had very little time and used to play and cuddle with him during the night after feeds - my DH thought I was mad but some days I just felt he was carted around school runs and activities for the older ones. He's now a very well adjusted, lovely, kind and clever 25 year old.

Please take the pressure off yourself - it doesn't need to be perfect, most days we are just 'good enough' and it's enough that your babies are fed, warm and loved. You're a great mum and you have overcome so much. Be kind to yourself 💐

You poor thing….. you sound like a kind and sensitive mum. The baby/early years are really hard. My son is now four and I feel like I’m only now really enjoying time with him. I’ve always HATED imaginative play. I had a chaotic and traumatising childhood too and having my own child seemed to bring a lot of it back to me, so I think I know a little bit about how you feel. It’s going to get better ….

Thank you all so much.

I actually really enjoy colouring, drawing, stickers, crafts etc with her but she gets bored after 5 minutes (totally acceptable for her age I guess!) then I’m back to being shouted at to make pretend pancakes in her toy kitchen and if I don’t, all hell breaks loose/toddler tantrum/cries on the floor/wakes baby by screaming etc etc.

Her nursery is heavily based on being outdoors so twice a week she spends a lot of time out in the fresh air, running around etc then we go out for at least 45 mins every day as there is a park on our estate so she gets plenty of outdoor time, weekends we hold passes to national trust sites so for example today we went to one, did the walk, softplay, had lunch, got muddy in the puddles etc. and once a week I give baby to my Mum for 2 hours and take her to the local gymnastics centre that open for a giant soft play which she loves so we can have some one on one time away from DS so I’m solely focused on her but I’m just bloody tired and it never seems enough, she never seems satisfied. I’m so bored of motherhood and I hate that. I thought it would be the making of me and in a way it has been, I adore my children, for the first time in my life I feel I have a purpose of being here, I can give them the loving childhood I didn’t have (until my wonderful grandparents stepped in) but the sheer responsibility of keeping 2 humans alive, happy and then on top of that making sure they have childhoods they don’t have to heal from, giving them the best chance at growing up to be a decent, kind human being just feels so huge to me that I almost wish I didn’t have 2 but of course I love DS so much and I don’t regret having him for a second it’s just a lot. I don’t know how anyone has any more than 2, hats off to you all.

I'm sorry to hear that a lot of you feel the same, it’s horrible but it’s made me feel like I’m not so alone and maybe just doing my best right now IS good enough.

I let DH read my post last night, today he has surprised me by telling me we are booked in for a spa hotel overnight with massages, spa access, dinner, he’s sorted the children staying with his parents for the night (they are very involved and DD is happy to stay overnight this will be first time I leave DS) but it’s lifted my spirits knowing I’ve got a little break coming up. A whole day and night of no responsibility, a pamper, some time to reconnect with DH and a decent lie in the next morning so I’ll take that.

I have to keep reminding myself that I’m so lucky, I have what some people pray for. Healthy children, a husband that loves me, a home that’s filled with love and laughter (and tantrums and tears) and I feel so ungrateful when I get myself all down in the dumps and lost over what I feel motherhood “should” feel like.

I’ve been in and out of therapy most of my life but haven’t been since before DD was born so I am going to seek some help, I don’t think out of the many therapists I’ve seen I’ve actually found one that I really click with so I’m not sure if any of it has actually benefited me when it comes to the childhood trauma/SA/anxiety and depression/grief.

Thank you again all of you xx

Toddler play kitchens are little portals to hell, I'm convinced! If you like table top / craft activities, have you tried the cheap kinetic sand kits? My toddler is obsessed, and they're much less annoying to play with for an adult.

Your DC sound like they have a wonderful childhood, and your DH is definitely on the right track with the break away. A lot of motherhood is monotonous, and sometimes it takes us breaking that for a day to feel better.

I also noticed in your description of your week, you didn't mention anything you do just because you like it. Is there anything you can fold in for even ten minutes as a starting point?

For me, I now see therapy as preventative as well as curative. I don't always tackle my big themes, sometimes just go when I need to take a breath and talk someone through the little things that feel like big things.

I'm sorry you've been through so much in the past, you are so brave and strong, even though you won't see it like that...you've been broken and it takes time to heal, I'm glad you got a good husband and 2 beautiful children, you just need to stop being so hard on yourself, slow down ... housework can wait... prioritise your time with the kids, its ok to feel a bit bored with kids activities, it's normal, kids are draining...and by the sounds of it you're a great mum ..don't feel guilty..we are all run down one way or another. Honestly take up any opportunities you have to leave the kids with their grandparents and go out with your husband more often ...it really makes a big difference. I wish you all the best and hope life gets easier for you Xx

I think you've got a very sensible head on your shoulders. You know that being a mum and nothing alongside being a mum isn't for you - and that doesn't make you a bad person. I hope you are planning to go back to work sooner rather than later because I think even working a couple of days a week would give you adult time and lift your spirits. Other than that you honestly sound like a fabulous person and a great mum. Right now you're in the middle of the very toughest years of being a parent (and again, honestly: I found the teenage years much, much easier than the toddler years). You will come out on the other side.

darling you are being so harsh on yourself. the fairy roleplay is mind numbing isn't it, i usually zone out after 3 minutes. the cleaning urge is just trying to control the chaos. i sealed the beds with idustmite covers just so i could cross 'dusting the mattress' off my mental list forever. one less battle to fight