Only going for a half a family holiday

[MyNiftyKoala]

My husband’s brother (very generously) has started booking holidays each year, for all of my husband’s family. He kindly
pays for the holiday house, despite us offering to pay. The holiday is for a large number of us. The holidays are starting to be booked without a heads up on dates, or location… Just on the assumption we will go. I have 4 young kids. It’s not always fun for me for a few reasons, which I can only assume is normal for a big family get together (I feel a bit mentally exhausted by it all). So I told my husband I would only like to go for 2 nights/ 3 days, instead of 5 nights/6 days. He said that was fine. I get the feeling I’m going to rock the boat and look ungrateful. I want to make choices for own family, and avoid the pitfalls of holidays in the past. Am I being unreasonable?

Completely understand. It's a bit odd he does this without asking. Can you just blame not getting time off work - may be the easiest route. Or a prior engagement.

Would your DH and kids enjoy going for the 5 nights/ 6 days? If so then it seems a bit mean to cut their trip short because you prefer a shorter trip.

If they would all prefer longer - how about either you leave early and DH brings the kids home later? Or find ways to make the longer trip more tolerable for you eg you go off somewhere else for a night halfway through.

I wouldn’t be going at all.

I'd let DH and kids go the whole time, and you just go for a few nights - blame work or something else.

I think it's fine. I think if it's for a load of you it's possible he knows not everyone will come for some/all of it, but he'd rather book and have that sort itself out than faff trying to agree a date. That's fine since it's his money he's wasting if you don't go, but he then also has to accept that you might not be able to make it.

Thank you… just for clarify, my husband has already said he has the week off. I tend to spend all my time in kitchen and putting kids to bed… I’m not employed so don’t have that excuse. One problem is that I do feel judged on my parenting. Just feel stressed the whole time.

Yeah, I think I’d be inventing a friend’s big birthday or something that you just have to get back for half way through - leave your Dh and kids there.

Do they say things that make you feel judged? Or do you think it’s in your own head?

You could be honest and say that self-catering with the family isn’t a rest or a break for you as you spend most of your time in the kitchen or putting the DC to bed.

Does your DH get to chill and socialise with his family whilst you end up doing all the grunt work?

Yeah they’re pretty vocal about stuff…And also about mine / my husbands faith. I don’t bring it up. But does happen. Every time. Do love teem. But I’m just anxious at the idea of going.

The way I see it, MIL does everything for her grown up kids. Love her for it, but They all mostly chill whilst she cooks. So I help her because I can’t watch her do that. And my husband is with the kids. But I’m exhausted after a 3 hour stint, washing, tidying… also making sandwiches for everyone if we go out for the day. A small number take care of their own food, and others are happy to let you do the leg work.

Can your husband and kids just go and you stop at home ? That would be a good solution instead of every one having to miss out because you don’t enjoy going

I love my inlaws but there is no force on earth that could make me go on regular holidays with them - whether someone else was paying or not. In fact I would be less likely to go if someone else was paying.

Not checking in on dates/places/times is so high handed and arrogant. Paying for something (despite others offering to share) doesn't entitle you to run other people's lives for them.

I think you should sit down with your husband and have a conversation about this. Tell him you don't enjoy these holidays at all. there has to be some compromise here - maybe your kids love being with their cousins. So maybe they go with dh. Maybe you go every second year. Maybe your dh grows a pair and says to his brother "oh shame we can't go that week - you really should have checked with us first. Next year if we have enough notice we can try to join you"

Just feel stressed the whole time

OP, do not go. The more you post the worse the whole thing sounds. You do not have to go along with someone else making decisions for you.

So don't do all the washing, tidying, making sandwiches for everyone (who is 'everyone'? your kids and DH or other adults too?). Get out of the kitchen and remind him that it's also his job to put his kids to bed.
Tell him all this before you go or agree to go.

The holidays are starting to be booked without a heads up on dates, or location… Just on the assumption we will go

Well, someone needs to tell him to stop doing that because it's fucking weird for someone to be booking holidays for someone else without asking them. It's really not normal to go on holiday with extended family every single year.

I think whilst it sounds generous, it really isn’t. It’s removing the element of choice and implementing a kind of summons. You are damned if you do go, and dammed if you don’t. So don’t ! Your ‘bad’ parenting will be scrutinised if you go, and your lack of gratefulness will be spoken of if you don’t.

Send your husband while you go see your sister/friend/cousion elsewhere fur a day or two.

It's perfectly fine for you to go for only part and let your DH decide if he's going to do the rest solo with the DC or leave with you. I would also tell your DH that he needs to tell his brother that both of you need advance notice of dates/locations or there will be more conflicts coming (this is true - your kids are going to start providing scheduling conflicts).

My suggestion for the parts you decide to attend... you and DH select 2-4 meals (depending on how many people go, duration, how breakfasts & snacks are handled) that you will self-assign to your family. Let everyone know that those are the ones your nuclear family will be in charge of. Then let all of the other grown adults sort out the rest of the kitchen work between them because you and DH have proactively done your portion.

I totally understand- my MIL is also a holiday booker and I’ve said this year and onwards I won’t be going at all - for reasons similar to yours.

It started to feel performative instead of relaxing.

Plan a couple nice things for yourself to enjoy during your time to your self 🫶

This sounds like a non dissimilar set up from our extended family holidays with DSIL, except for many years we were overpaying for the privilege of me doing most of the grunt work.

I do love them all and it’s nice for a while, but after a few days the disgusting state that people were leaving things in the kitchen had really got to me ( there are various diagnosed ND people who genuinely don’t see mess or dirt from the state of their own house). DSIL was on weight loss injections so stayed out of the kitchen mostly when she had done some of the cooking and tidying up before. DS19 and I left mid week because I had to take DM to a hospital appointment and ( if it wasn’t for the demanding relatives from abroad staying in our home when we were away) it was a relief to get home.

I would find a good reason to leave so it isn’t awkward and really try not to be sorting out other people. If MIL chooses to run after everyone then let her.

Send dh and the kids and invent a big family event and send your apologies

Send DH and the DC and you go away on your own or with friends?

You're a grown-up. How you spend your free time (and your annual leave) isn't for anyone else to dictate. You ought to consider the wishes of others, of course. But only "consider"

It’s often difficult to find a date that suits everyone. Since he’s paying for the home, it’s reasonable for him to choose dates that work for him, and anyone who is able to attend can do so. I know I Would. It’s not mandatory. As long as adequate notice is given, I don’t see a problem.
You’re free to decline or shorten your stay, and I don’t see why your husband couldn’t go with the kids on his own, or even stay a few extra days with them without you.

They make fun of your religion? I’d want to seriously limit any time I spent with such nasty people. No wonder you feel so anxious about going!

And what does your DH when your feeling judged, stressed running about after the kids? Let me guess sit and relax he's on "holiday" 🙄