AIBU for distancing myself from my in-laws?

[Whattodo192732]

Over the last 4 years they’ve made very little effort with us, and I’m finding it increasingly hard to keep trying.

They live 5 minutes away (10 mins walking) but almost never visit us. They rarely come over at all and hardly ever make plans with my teenage SD, even though she absolutely adores them – especially SIL. They also barely make any effort to see our youngest DC.

I’ve tried repeatedly to reach out and make plans. MIL does message, but I’m honestly not sure how sincere it is as nothing really comes of it. On Christmas Day, MIL & FIL just didn’t show up to dinner, which was really upsetting. SIL never makes arrangements to see any of us or the kids either, despite having young children herself.

To add in-laws don’t particularly agree with our parenting style and generally don’t think I’ll ever please them with how we’ve decided to parent DSC. Saying that they still make little effort with DSC.

Before Christmas there were no plans at all from the ILs to meet up. I will hold my hands up and say I forgot to message “Merry Christmas” to SIL with the stress of the day, but communication had already been minimal and one-sided for a long time.

I find the relationship really difficult to maintain and it feels very one sided. It’s stressful and hard work, and I feel like I get a lot of the blame for the lack of relationship. The reality is that if we didn’t go over there, we’d honestly never see them.

I know it’s not me and it’s more a DP thing as on my side of the family we get more effort and so see my family a lot more. I do however think it’s a bit unfair but the flow of communication is balanced.

AIBU for wanting to step back and pass responsibility for managing the relationship with his family over to DP? I’m filled with anxiety over the blame I get.

To clarify , OP, you invited them for Christmas dinner, they accepted, and then just didn't turn up? If so, that's awful behaviour! Presumably you called them to see where they were? What did they say about it?

What does your DP think of it all?

Rocked up at 7pm when dinner was at 1pm, presents in hand (so kids weren’t too disappointed), still baffled

I don’t think it’s unreasonable at all- meet people where they are in terms of communication/effort. If they don’t make the effort, you don’t need to kill yourself to do it either.

Leave it to them.

Make 2026 the year you stop giving a shit...
Honestly when I disengaged from ils my life became so much better... If dh wants the to see his dc let him get on with it.

Less time you waste banging your head against a wall isn't it? much better for your mh ..

Stop trying. Either they aren't interested or they have no respect for your efforts and will keep doing things like showing up 6 hours late.

Pass the responsibility to your dh, and leave them to it.

The moment they stood me up for Xmas dinner would have been the end of my relationship with them.

Just stop reaching out, they clearly don't want a relationship with any of you, surround yourself with people who value you and bring you happiness.

The Christmas Day meal is the one thing I would keep in mind whenever you waiver. That is so unbelievably rude.

It's on your spouse alone to manage the relationship with his parents.

Does he manage the relationship between your parents and everyone in the house? If not, why did you take on the role for his parents?

Are your in-laws heavily involved with SIL and her kids? Or are they generally rubbish at making plans / socialising?

im be tempted to keep trying purely for the kids if they’re keen. But if not match in-laws energy / delegate the relationship management to your partner

Honestly, leave maintaining the relationship with your in-laws to your DH. You have made a real effort which has never been reciprocated so don't feel guilty about stepping right back.

Their behaviour on Christmas Day was rude and disrespectful.

I’m filled with anxiety over the blame I get.

This is the thing to change. You need to get over your fear of being blamed. It starts with recognising that it is not your job to manage relationships with his family. That is called "doing wife-work" or "taking on his mental load".
You don't have to do this just because you are female. You have our permission to just stop. Drop it.

Who is blaming you?
If it is DH - tell him you are not responsible for his family.
If it is them - how do you know? Either they have a go at you and blame you when you do speak to them, or DH is passing on the message that they are not pleased. If the first, just cut contact, block, cut them out of your life. If the second, tell DH you don't want or need to know what his family think of you.

No-one can make you feel bad unless you let them.

Just stop bothering. It's your DHs family, he can communicate with them if he wants to!

Stop All this. They’re not interested.
You’re setting yourself up for disappointment.
Sometimes, you can change dynamics by changing your behaviour. If you change your behaviour and the dynamics don’t change, then you have confirmation.
Stop feeling bad. You can’t do anything more.

This is kind of exactly what I ended up doing. I was a young and naive woman who was just looking for the love and belonging I never had when I first met my dh. I ended up a nervous mess too and when they were having a go at me about the lack of effort on their part, I said to dh it’s his family, he can maintain his relationship with them moving forward. I have enough dysfunction within my own side to navigate.

My husband told me from the start his parents were shit and treat him and dss differently to his siblings and their kids. I should have listened. I should have listened to him and saved myself years and years of wasted energy, disappointment and hurt.

Dh had very little communication from his family before he met me, I stupidly thought I could help build bridges. What was dh relationship and communication with them like before he met you?

Heavily involved with SIL

Also very much dysfunctional, has always said he’s unhappy with the lack of effort they put in with DSD. Only really sees them on their terms