Ok im going to be really honest so people can get a full picture of whats going on. Im 41(2 younger children) partner is 51 (2 older children in their 30s) we have been together for 10 years. I got with him really quick after coming out of a long term bad relationship (15 years) with my childrens dad. He was reslly good for me when we first got together we have the same interests we like the same foods we are literally the same and I felt like the universe had put us together. However he never really involved himself with my children he said they already had a dad and he didnt want to step on the dads toes. I had a great relationship with his daughters however i fell out with his 2 daughters, i found myself homeless after i split with the kids dads and my partner took me in he had a small flat not big enough for us really and when his daughters would come and stay 2 nights a week ( they were in their 20s at the time) we all got ontop of eachother and we ended up argueing and since i got my own place we havent spoken its been around 8 years when i last spoke to them so i felt bad trying to get him to have a relationship with my children when i had nothing to do with his. I have been living alone for years now and we used to see eachother about 5 days a week. I like living alone i like my own space and own company and just me and the kids. Few years down the line we started argueing but it was huge he would get so angry and shout In my face and it became so toxic we were areguing all the time and i noticed he would shout over me and blame me for everything or say i love to argue or here we go again or thats im on a mad one. We always brushed things under the carpet and carried on. Whenever we go out and do anything its always me paying for it he makes a point of telling me how skint he is before we go out this drains my energy. He did absolutely nothing for my 40th birthday which really upset me didnt even offer to take the day off work to take me out. Didnt get me a present just gave a card chucked £40 at me and said that was the last of his money his skint now. This made me so sad i would never do that to him infact for his 50th i took him away and got hin really nice presents and made it really special.
My ex had a porn addiction i didnt realise for 13 years but when I found out it made me feel horrible it destroyed my confidence and self esteem and it made me feel not good enough. When i got with my partner i told him this and he said to me he hates porn and sees it as cheating and would never do that to me knowing how it made me feel. When i used to say to him i had a gut feeling he was watching porn he would tell me its in my head and i am crazy making up stuff however the feeling was so strong so one day i looked in his phone and there it was! I confronted him about it and he said it was nothing and laughed at me getting upset telling me i was crazy. This hurt me deeply and i felt betrayed esp as he said he saw it as cheating and would never do that to me he hated porn thought it was disgusting! It was all lies. Up until this point we had had a good sex life. All those feeling came back again and i have struggled since again with my confidence and self esteem and now i feel i dont trust him
After this i found myself distancing myself not really wanting to see him that much when we did go out i would feel drained of my energy. Things we used to like doing together i stopped enjoying my sex drive hit rock bottom. Now things have taken another turn i actually find everything he does annoying. The thought of being around him drains me. I look in the mirror and i dont know myself anymore i feel so old and tired. Since i hit 39 my emotions have been all over the place and now every month a week before my period my moods are up and down but i have noticed around that time im so angry with my partner, every month i have ended the relationship accusing him of watching porn or other things. I am a nightmare. I went to the doc and she said I have pmdd and to take herbal tablets but every month still the same feelings. The thing im struggling with is is this actually how i feel like I want to end things or is it the pmdd making me think I want to? I dont know whether to just end things or am i making a mistake. He is a nice person who does acts of service for me but he isnt affectionate and im not sure if this is just a friendship now.
I have written this honestly and im hoping for some kind but honest opinions