AIBU: Most relationships fall short

[MissyMooPoo2]

I don't have a history of happy relationships and my parents had a terrible relationship, so perhaps I am biased.

But reading threads on MN seems to confirm that the majority of relationships aren't characterised by love, trust, passion, or intimacy. Instead, many of us settle for less than this - due to financial reasons, children, or fear of loneliness.

I'm not saying that the majority of relationships are abusive but that many are unfulfilling.

MN is not a good barometer, though. The people with happy, fulfilling relationships don't tend to post about them - they've got no reason to.

I’ve never seen a relationship that doesn’t have some element of compromise and people change a lot over the years.

Don't be silly. This is a place people post about problems and issues, it's hardly going to show all the happy contented people in good relationships, of which there are many.

My relationship is very happy but I dont post about it online because people aren't interested in contented relationships. They are interested in drama and the horror stories.

Its the same with any topic- you google any medical procedure and you'll get mainly horror stories online, never people saying "I had it done and it was completely uneventful" etc.

I think it’s impossible to expect a relationship to be good all the time - that’s why the marriage vows make a thing of “for better and for worse” etc.

I am sure most of my married friends would say, sometimes passion and intimacy suffer when times are hard. Sometimes even trust has a wobble. But love is more enduring and it doesn’t express itself always in the most obvious way. Even when I’m very angry at dh or losing my way in my marriage, I still love him. That’s why time and again I go back to trying to fix our problems rather than walking away.

I do think it is true that the opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s apathy.

Yes you're biased.

What is it that makes you be in unhappy relationships? Do you go into them expecting the worst?

Every day on MN I read positive examples of relationships - long marriages, posters saying their other half is kind, loving, supportive, a wonderful father etc.
You're seeing what you want to see.

The content and happy people don't need to post about their happy relationships online, do they?

Well I’m not going to write a post about my cheerful hardworking teenagers, my lovely husband, my kind MIL, my drama free friend group etc Why would I need to?

Unhappy people discuss their relationships far more than happy people.

I don’t think any relationship is perfect, but then. human beings aren't perfect. Relationships take effort and consistency to work well, just like any other activity.

I think it's a mixture. It's a self fulfilling prophecy if you come on here and read the Relationship boards, because who is going to ask for advice about a perfectly normal, non eventful mutually fulfilling relationship? Why would they bother?

But there's also a certain degree of people not being able to compromise at all, and ending up in a relationship where their partner isn't doting on them at all hours, who scream about their relationship not being perfect when part of the problem is them.

As others have said, people don't tend to post about their happy relationships.

Plus I've seen a few threads in the past, started about happy relationships or encouraging people to post about how lovely their DH's are, and every single one of them got derailed by posters accusing the OP of being 'smug'.

So your impression will be skewed.

People go to Mumsnet specifically to post about their relationship problems.

The millions of people who have lovely, happy, harmonious relationships aren't going to be on here posting a thread like 'My DH is incredibly trustworthy and kind, we have a great sex life and we're totally on the same page about our future - AIBU?' are they?

All relationships require some compromise and I don't think it's realistic to expect a 20-year marriage to feel like a lifelong honeymoon. But that doesn't mean most/all relationships 'fall short' and I think pretty much everyone I know who has a happy and healthy relationship definitely has love, trust and intimacy ('passion' isn't something I'd ask about in any detail).

Nail on the head. It's the old Piretto principle in play. 80% of people will probably have happy, fulfilling relationships but aren't on SM telling people about it as they're just quietly content. The ones with abusive/crap relationships, i.e. the 20% will be on here (and other SM and in real life) complaining about their partner, etc., as they have genuine things to complain about. I've found the 80:20 principle to be true in lots of ways. Eg, out of my handful of close friends, only one is half way to being an pain in the neck, the others are brilliant friends. Same with my clients in my business, vast majority are good clients, pay on time, a pleasure to work with, meet deadlines, etc - but a minority I'd happily strangle as the same ones don't pay on time, miss deadlines, forget advice, don't do as they're recommended etc - same people do all those things - guess which clients I remember more and talk about more - yes, the pain in the neck minority.

All relationships require some compromise

Exactly this. I have hit a point in my life where I am just not willing to compromise any more. I want to be selfish. So for me, the plus points of a relationship do not cancel out that negative.

When I look back on past relationships I do feel that it was me doing most of the compromising. That said, I don't "regret" any of my relationships. It was what I wanted at the time. and it helped me to learn what I don't want!

As everyone else has said, no one is posting about the good relationships. Although I have to say, I don't know a huge amount of people in RL that are in really happy relationships. But then as I am single, most of my friends are. Couples tend to socialise more with other couples. So I don't really know that many couples well enough to judge.

I have a very fulfilling relationship. But it would sound very smug to make posts on it for no reason. I imagine all our ideas of a fulfilling relationship are also very different.

I think for those of us who didn't grow up around healthy relationships or seeing fulfilling relationship it can take some work and often therapy/self help to cultivate a fulfilling relationship plus a partner that also wants the same and is motivated to put the same energy in.

Unfortunately a lot of Men don't really see the point in cultivating a fulfilling relationship as it requires work. If you enter the world already privileged and benefiting from women without having to do much/evolve whats their incentive? If their idea of a fulfilling relationship is acess to regular sex and dinner on the table then anything beyond that is unnecessary.
We don't have a society that values healthy fulfilling relationships either. I hope the tide is turning but historically society has never expected young boys/men to really learn empathy, compromise, how to listen communicate, think of others etc that's been expected of women to learn and continually exercise. In comes the massive compromises when you're trying to cultivate a fulfilling relationship with a man who has the emotional intelligence of a toddler.

It's no wonder women grow tired and reach their limit of compromising after a lifetime of one sided compromises.

I genuinely don't feel like I'm compromising at all in my relationship. But it's taking work to get to this point. Work I've been happy to do because my partner has matched me in energy and effort.