I think I'm a horrible mother

[firetruck6]

My child is 7. Almost certainly has ADHD, ASD or both. We are on a very long waiting list for assessment. Things were generally great up until the age of 5. 5-6 ok. Now age 7 and I feel like my world is crumbling around me. The defiance is intolerable, I've been punched, kicked, told I'm hated etc. I don't rule with an iron fist, I try to stick to routines, no screen time before school, an hour after school, lots of physical activity, consequences for actions etc. but it's just relentless. My child is so, so horrible to me half the time. About once a week I've started exploding and I will just shout at the top of my voice, which concerns me as it's so outwith my nature to do that. I feel paralysed, like I have zero energy and I'm just exhausted by parenthood. I feel like an awful mother for shouting and losing my cool. I just don't know what to do anymore.

You don't sound like a horrible mother, you just sound like you need support. How frustrating that the waiting lists for these things are so long. Is his Dad around?

You're not an awful mother but a good human coping with more than you should have to.

I absolutely feel you. Going through the same situation but my DS is a bit younger. It's exhausting and draining and relentless, and you are categorically not a horrible mother. It pushes you right to the edge of what you can cope with physically, mentally and emotionally, on the daily.

No you aren’t a horrible mum, you sound Ile a normal mum.

You need more support. Is dad around and could school help?

Have you reached out to your GP or other services for support? It sounds awful for you.

Have you looked at the right to choose? The waiting lists are considerably shorter, you must go through your GP not school.
Apply for disability living allowance , diagnosis not needed as its based on additional care, and then you may have some extra funds for respite or occupational therapy.
I have a child with adhd and autism and honestly its such a hard job if you can afford an afterschool club once a week for example to give yourself a break, you deserve it.

You’re not a horrible mother, you’re just overwhelmed. I worked with SEN kids for years before having DC, including working at a school for kids excluded from mainstream. My DC have ASD and ADHD and parenting them is so much harder than dealing with kids at work. It’s far more full on and you can’t swap out with anyone else, it’s just all on you.

Please be kind to yourself. It’s a lot of strain. We went through this the year my son was 7/8 yrs old and ended with an autism diagnosis. It didn’t help we had moved countries and my husband was away a huge amount with work, plus I was working full time. I def had moments where I screamed at him and shouted fuck off to your bedroom I can’t bear the sight of you anymore. He would have horrendous meltdowns that went on for hours. I cried a lot. Yes I do feel shame for those moments but we are only human and 95% of the time I was loving and supportive and kind.

But I hope for you things improve as they did for me. The diagnosis helped my son to understand himself better (there are some really good books you can read together) and I joined an incredibly supportive network set up by a school mum whose daughter had ADHD. We’d have coffee mornings of parents and vent. Does your school have anything like this? Ours still has a v active WhatsApp group even though the mum who set it up has moved on.

I’m trying to think what helped me most and a 30 min walk in the evening when my husband got in from work was one of the things. I walked really fast and furiously and tried to clear my head so I could try and enjoy my evening once home. But it does feel very isolating when you are surrounded by people with their well behaved and calm children!

A lot have paused their waiting lists indefinitely, even under right to choose. I was referred through our GP last July and had an email before Christmas from Clinical Partners to say they'd been told to pause so anyone waiting for an assessment is on hold until who knows when... no timeline given.

Official wording:

If your GP feels it is clinically appropriate and you choose Clinical Partners as your provider, we are able to accept new NHS Right to Choose referrals for patients from Hampshire and Isle of Wight ICB.

However, Hampshire and Isle of Wight ICB has asked us to pause booking new autism and ADHD assessments. This means we can accept your referral and add you to the waiting list, but we cannot currently offer an appointment date.

Your referral date will be protected, and when more funding is released, we will begin booking patients again in referral date order. At this stage, we cannot confirm when this will happen, and there may be a significant wait before your assessment can be booked.

We understand this may feel frustrating and we will keep you updated as further funding is released by the ICB.

This in many areas, not just this one.

I hope this is taken how I intend it.
My 6 almost 7 year old does not have SEN. She is also going through a phase of absolutely hating me. She kicks, screams, tells me awful things. I lose my temper shouting regularly at her and her brother and often feel like I'm an awful parent.
I'm sure we're both not, I for one absolutely adore my daughter but she is the hardest work for me of any of my kids. I think maybe it's an age developmental thing and on top of SEN you have my absolute sympathy because it's hard without. Cut yourself (and him) some slack and remember you're not an awful parent or you'd probably not be asking if you were an awful parent.

Shouting/screaming at your child is falling below your own standards, it’s ok to recognise that without feeling horrible (but I disagree with the posts excusing it… it’s not ok and as the adult you should be able to control yourself) you know that shouting will make it worse in the long run - even if it’s a temporary fix.

however, it is really hard and you need support. Have you looked at ‘good inside’? Dr Becky is really helpful.

A diagnosis will give you validation and access to some support, but it’s not a magic fix. Do lots of reading and try strategies (give each strategy 6 weeks!) to see what works for you and your child.

It's not always about having to control yourself @Leopardspota Raising my voice is sometimes the only way I can stop certain behaviours, some dangerous and if that's what it takes, then so be it. Gentle parenting is all well and good but it doesn't work with all children.

That’s not what the OP means though.
ive raise my voice at my own children and children I teach to stop dangerous behaviour. I’ve also raised my voice for other reasons … distance etc. even gentle parents raise their voice for danger.

I understood the OP ‘shouted at’ her child. Out of frustration. that is about controlling yourself and finding a strategy that works. Shouting becomes less and less effective the more you do it.

I agree with this that it's not ok. And it does make it worse. The whole reason I posted is because I know it's not ok and I'm upset with myself. It's completely pointless as it just escalated things and I end up apologising and I don't want it to become the norm. Thankfully it has only been for the last couple of months and I am trying to get advice on how to undo it. I don't want him to look back and remember being shouted at.

Most families eat cereal with the telly on. Most watch tv in the evening. Why such strict rules? Let them relax. If it’s disaster ok. But try it.

Wrong thread I think

I've been punched, kicked, told I'm hated etc.

I can't think of one person who would perform well under such awful circumstances.
You aren't horrible. Your life circumstances are. This isn't parenthood - it's a life sentence.

Sympathy and thoughts for you. And only you. You deserve it.

You are not horrible at all, I think sometimes it's helpful for kids to realise that if they are horrible to people then those people will often react badly, even their parents. Parents aren't robots and shouldn't act like robots.

I'm not saying shouting is the ideal thing to do but equally if you're going to kick, scream and punch someone then you should expect them to react badly.

You don’t sound like a horrible mother at all.you sound completely worn down and stuck in an impossible waiting space. being hit, shouted at, and still trying to stay calm day after day would break most people, especially when you’re running on empty. losing your cool after months of holding it together doesn’t erase everything you’ve done for your child😊