How do you cope if your child has a bad day?

[clickyteeclick]

My child is in year 8 and school friendships are a constant struggle. Being left out, name calling, sniggering, secret groups and days out without her knowing, ignoring her or going silent when she joins the table. She is genuinely a lovely, kind, funny, compassionate kid; which makes it harder to handle when she is having such a hard time.

My question is can you handle it and just brush it off or does it ruin your day? I literally have sleepless nights, tightness in my chest and it’s all I can think about.

I know I’m going to get told I’m pathetic, live my own life etc but I just can’t help it. That saying…you’re only as happy as your unhappiest child really resonates with me and I worry if it’s like this now how will I deal with her future bumps in the road as she goes through teen life and adulthood?!

And any positives about school friendships would be great to hear too! 😣

It’s heartbreaking isn’t it. My DD is Y9. The school told us in Y7 to expect this friendship nonsense and to rest assured they are equipped to support all the students. She’s at a small private that puts a lot of resource into wellbeing, more so that the resources of state schools seem to enable these days.

no one told us having kids is basically signing up for a lifetime of worry did they! I’ve dealt with it by listening, being a support and enabling the good and healthy friendships she has in and out of school. I purposely made sure she has different avenues of friends - old school friends from primary/nursery, hobby friends, dance friends, so she’s always had somewhere else to go if school is a bit rough. Does your DD have that in any form?

At school she has a small group of close friends who are fab, I’ve encouraged her to look away from the mean behaviour and not get involved in other people’s drama, and to focus on the people she gets positive input from. She’s fared much better since she took my advice (yes, a teen took my advice 😂) .

but…. It’s so hard. You don’t have to let go and it’s so normal to feel the way you do.

Would a change of school be an option?

Believe me this is in EVERY school, especially girls. It's not really bullying, just dynamics of that age. I teach them. Every single day we have someone (different people) complaining that they've been left out, sidelined, looked at funny, been told something they'd rather not know. In almost all cases, with minimal intervention from staff, they sort themselves out, usually by the next day.
On the home front, my teen DD will periodically "crash out" and it's not fun, but I ride it out with sympathetic noises and try to change the subject as soon as poss. Ruminating and replaying things over and over escalates the incident way out of proportion. Try not to dwell on it. ..this advice only stands if it's occasional. If it's constant a d the same names are coming up, then it's time to contact the tutor.

That’s interesting that it happens at a private school too. Her school is huge so thought a smaller school would help.
She does clubs outside of school but they don’t seem to be in a friendship group as such and they span across wide age ranges.
The main problem is it’s her ‘friends’ who do this to her so she can’t really ignore it as she has nowhere else to go. Heartbreaking
A daily constant worry for life!

I want to consider another school but she loves the teachers and my husband says the same as you that it’s in every school.
We’ve contacted the school but they weren’t much help as like you say it’s just that age dynamics.
Not sure what you mean by crash pit? When she tells you about it stuff do you not ask details? I worry I’m making it worse by asking the details and maybe I should just listen and then say something to end the conversation but I want her to know we support her. What age does it get better?!

DS didn't have a single friend in Y7 or 8. He's autistic and very friendly, but a bit like a slightly patronising and condescending over excited puppy. He puts people off on first meeting, then they never get to know him.

I would sit all 6 foot of him on my lap and cuddle and rock him like a little baby. It broke my heart when I had to talk him out of a campaign to get rid of lunch and break to cut the school day down, as he hated them and could see no benefit (thought this would evn further inhibit his chance of friends...). He got punched a few times and an awful false accusation was made that nearly got him in loads of trouble.

All our other local schools were a bit alarming in terms of safety, so we stuck with it. School helped with a weekly social group. His dad bribed him with things he really wanted to go to a regular club 4 of 5 days. We practiced and discussed his social manner at home. I taught him how to fake tone and interest and hold a proper conversation (he'd got through without masking with this until then and didn't know how. I approached him like I was running an intervention group at my own school). We worked with the school about the violence and accusation; supportive of the school, but incredibly firm. They got it all sorted out quite quickly once everything was exposed and I started talking about safeguarding and police. He did make friends, in the end. Took until end of Y8. He made them through various maths and science themed clubs and has the best social life he has ever had now. He actively told me he looks forward to his breaks now! I was so happy I nearly cried when he said that 🥰.

I felt awful for him. I put huge effort into trying everything in my power to fix what I could. This made me feel much less lost and sad, too. I actively tried not to think about it when I wasn't doing something productive about it and encouraged DS to do the same. It stole enough happy time already.

I also made sure he had access to as normal a weekly life for his age as I could. I took up playing console games with him, so he had someone to play with. I learned all his interests and kept up with what was socially cool for a 13 year old boy so he wasn't left behind. I found an old primary friend in a similar situation and socially engineered them into seeing new films together and the occasional gaming day. I took him to 'cool' things he liked (playing with alligators anyone...?) so he still had cool things to talk about in school if he ever got the opportunity. We bribed and forced him to volunteer each weekend. Essentially, we filled his life even if we couldn't fill it with friends and doing this made us all feel less troubled. Just do everything you can to help fix it and hold her safe. Then you can feel as calm as you can and, honestly, just try not to consider it. Fill all that time with nice things or empowering things and you'll both do better.

I’m so sorry you all went through that. That must have been absolutely heartbreaking.
You sound like an incredible parent. He is very very lucky to have you.

I wouldn’t say you’re pathetic at all. It’s absolutely heartbreaking to watch your DC having to going through this. This type of situation is why many, many children do not like secondary school.

I’m a fixer and when my DD was in year 7 and then year 8 I organised days out where she could invite one or two school friends. There were usually at least two in the group that she liked and it slowly built her confidence, so much so by year 9 she decided she’d rather be on her own at school than hang around in an awful group. I helped by asking the school to move her from the teaching group she was in explaining she’d be unhappy for a very long time. It took a few weeks of being alone before joining a lovely group whom she was already chatty to on the train journey to school. She’s now in year 10 and there’s been no issues in 2 years.

My advice would be to encourage your child to move away from the group, slowly if needs be, build other friendships whilst in the process of coming away. Then join other ‘nice’ children. Or, speak to the school and move her into a different class altogether where she can start again but choose her friends wisely this time.

I wish her the best of luck.

I get you op. My youngest has had a very bumpy time in school since year 9. I wouldn't say I can brush it off but it sounds like you're spiralling a bit. Yes it's hard to be completely happy when your child isn't but it's really important to be strong and calm for them.

You may not be able to change what she's going through but you can try your absolute best to change your reaction. What support do YOU have? You really need to take care of yourself so you can be the mentally strong parent she needs. I don't mean that to be patronising, I just mean you need to focus on you as much as you're focusing on her.

In terms of helping your daughter, I do a lot of reassuring mine that her friendship issues aren't a reflection on her. She just hasn't found her people at school. She has successfully made friends outside of school which has helped with how she feels about herself.

We also try and find the humour in some of it. One of her friends called her a 'crash out queen' once and we have adopted that as a nickname for each other. Crashing out just means losing your shit/getting upset.

Any clubs in school she can join? Even if she isn't that enthusiastic about them, it is a place to go away from these girls. Honestly, her "friends" are not nice people, she needs to see that. It is a power play. She should start by just having a bit of ready to go conversation starters so she can speak to more people, widen her friendship circle and slowly move away from the nasty girls.

A book that gets recommended on here a lot is Queen Bees and Wannabes - Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boys, and the New Realities of Girl World.

It is a New York Times bestseller.

@clickyteeclick by "crash out" I mean fall into a circular, tearful rant about whatever the problem is that then spirals into a general pity party and woe is me. Asking for details does indeed prolong the agony, open up new lines of injury and doesn't really resolve anything. I've spent decades learning that trying to unpick the specifics, gathering alternative versions of what happened, getting groups of girls together to talk it out, just makes it worse. Listen, make non committal noises, make hot chocolate and put on a film.
Practical suggestion..see if she can join some clubs or develop a library habit for somewhere to go if she's having a bad day with friends and try to find more than one circle of friends.

Small schools are often worse than bigger schools as there’s less choices for friends and also you can’t escape into a crowd and avoid anyone you’re struggling with.

I feel the same and completely understand. My ds is Year 9 and has always struggled to a certain extent. My advice is to find friends out of school in clubs so the friends at school become less important.

I still feel the same if my GC are upset! All you can do is make her feel special and loved (which you already do), perhaps give her some special trips with you to look forward to - some undivided attention makes a world of difference. Girls can be incredibly mean and the only way to deal with it is to learn not to care, their problem and not hers. Sending you a big hug 💐

Oh bless you. I really don’t have any good advice but I just wanted to say that I don’t think you’re pathetic. My kids are small but these are the things I am not looking forward to when they grow up. It must be heartbreaking. Hopefully your DD finds some proper friends soon

DD had the same in secondary school, awful friendship stuff, in Y8 particularly. It’s horrible to hear and does make you so upset and cross for them, but you have to rise above it and be strong for them. They need you to be their ‘rock’. If you are getting upset they may not share with you in future.

I taught DD that friends are not people who make you feel sad or upset. They don’t call you names. They don’t embarrass you.

I encouraged her to join other clubs (in and out of school) so that her friend group wasn’t the main focus.

I told her to stay out of other people’s dramas - it’s better not to get drawn in.

The worst time was when it was her birthday and she literally had nobody she wanted to invite because of the latest drama. So we went away for the weekend, and visited family, and made it a lovely celebration anyway.

I did email the school as well, when things got worse with one particular girl.

Eventually DD realised that she was being treated badly, stopped hanging with that group, found new friends, and was much happier for Y9-11 (and is still friends with them now, years later!)

But these are important formative experiences. She learnt to stand up for herself, and to not let herself be bullied, and that it’s better to walk away than be in a harmful friendship. I hope this will stand her in good stead for future relationships.

I also recommend the Queen Bees book.

Thank you so much everyone for such lovely messages. I’ve had a cry and I NEVER cry! I’ve just bought the book a couple of you recommended so that will arrive soon and will have a good read.
There are clubs at school but she doesn’t want to go on her own as she thinks it makes her look embarrassing, she has made some associations with other girls but as it is a big school doesn’t see them that much as they’re in the other half of the year. We have had all of the girls over for play dates and sleepovers and then they’ll just drop her and she never gets invited back. She totally realises they’re not nice friends but just can’t seem to make any others.
Didn’t expect it to be this bad and yes I think I’m spiralling a little with it all! X

My second is a bit socially awkward. Lovely girl but struggles to know what to say in group situations. I just went with total immersion. Group activities like horse riding camps, a tumbling class, that sort of thing. So she sort of built up a group of friends from outside school who didn't know each other so there could be none of the cliquey excluding that you get in school friendship groups.

Just so you know youre definitely not alone!!

It is so hard not to get dragged down by it! You feel their pain (sometimes you feel it worse than they do!!)

My child has gone through most of secondary school unable to make nice friends and is alone most of the time. The times she has managed to make them, there has been drama. To be honest it's easier to deal with when she's alone in a strange way, and even she sometimes finds that easier (although heartbreaking)

I've taken a step back now. She is 14. I would only get involved now if there was something serious like bullying/violence. The rest of the time I am there for advice but I CANNOT micro manage her life so I no longer try to. It's hard but I think of the childhood I had and my parents never really got involved in friendship issues once I left primary school. I survived to tell the tale.

I don't think school is great 100% of the time for ANY kid. And some kids just have to get through it. There will be good days and bad. It's all resilience building!

Edited to add that since I took a step back she has managed to make a couple of lovely friends which has happened naturally... Just thought my post sounded a bit gloomy 😂

She may well have the opportunity to make more friends when she chooses her options as she could end up in classes with different kids or at least sat next to different kids.

That’s a great positive thought that hasn’t crossed my mind. Thank you x