to think DD’s dad (ex) is unreasonable and taking the piss?

[Setthesun]

DD’s dad should pay 770 a month via CMS but he actually pays around 1k. This is to pay towards nursery cost too.

He works shifts and lives far away (his choice, he left). Some months he will see DD for a total of 4 days.. so two weekends out of four, arriving at midday Saturday so not even a full four days more like 3 if you knock off the Saturday mornings.

I have absolutely no help from family, they’re supportive but absolutely no practical help.

It is possible for him to change his shifts if he organises in advance or asks for swaps but he’s often reluctant to do this. Or, he will say it’s being sorted and weeks will pass where he doesn’t sort it and I’m left chasing him for an update as I don’t want to make plans for DD on a weekend he would otherwise be seeing her.

I just feel so sick of it. I know there’s not exactly much I can do but I feel so put upon and worn out. My job is similarity full on and pressured but I’m supposed to just cope and explain to my manager if I have to pick up early or whatever for DD.

Yes, he’s being unreasonable but…he’s clearly not that interested in being a decent father to your DD. I’d not want him looking after her if he doesn’t want to do it. She deserves better, keep her with you.

sorry you won’t get much sympathy when he pays such a big amount of child maintenance and also contributes to nursey on top. My ex pays less than the child maintenance amount you get and expects me to pay all of the nursery fees using that (even though total maintenance was less than half of the fees before the 30 hours funding came in!)
with this much extra money, if you need help you can by it in from someone you choose yourself - a weekend babysitter or someone to come a couple nights a week, you can basically have a housekeeper come 2-3 mornings a week paying £14 an hour who can clean laundry and do food prep for you too. If you have a spare room you could also afford an au pair .

@Unexpectedlysinglemum not sure if you’re aware of nursery costs but sadly 1k does not mean I can afford support like that…!

You get that much because of his job. In comparison I got £7 a week and now nothing. I know it’s not a race to the bottom, but you have a choice here of his presence or his massive financial contribution. Would you agree to 50/50 and he doesn’t have to pay you anything?

@Peoplemakemedespair I earn a decent amount too. I would have been fine with 50-50 this is what I offered but he declined because of his work

Ignore the unhelpful replies. I have not been in this situation but is part of the problem that you want to organise stuff for dd but don't in case her dad wants her? If that's the case i would just do whatever makes your life easier if he doesn't like it tough shit.
I hope you can get some help organised or exh to step up properly.

@lazyarse123 yeah exactly this. It’s so stressful. I also can’t arrange anything with friends etc in advance because he is never clear about when he’s actually doing his minor bit of parenting. So I just don’t have any time off parenting ever.

Sorry OP, he's disgusting and 3 or 4 days a month is not being a father, it's pathetic 😕 you don't get a break and it's really hard doing it all on your own. I would make plans for the weekends if he doesn't let you know in a reasonable time frame and I wouldn't change your plans for him.

@Unexpectedlysinglemum your empathy skills are on a par with your financial ones, clearly. No where does OP indicate that what her ex pays - and not even to the full amount - allows enough for nursery fee contributions an au pair or a house keeper. The ‘F You I have it worse’ attitude from someone who should actually get it more than posters not in the same situation is depressing.

OP you have my sympathies. My ex has 2 of our children 4 days a month (when he has nothing better to do) and 2 of them far far less (they are teens though so doesn’t impact me in terms of childcare.) He will cancel school holiday agreements at the last minute or refuse to confirm so I book them into holiday club and then decides actually he wants them. Booked a holiday for them even though he knew I had a big anniversary celebration planned with my family. Never replies to my messages. He’s a dick who gets off on making my stressful life more stressful.

I don’t have family support either and a full time demanding job. I survive this shit show by refusing to rely on him at all; I’m clear with my boundaries (if you want them Feb half term you need to let me know by X date), if he misses the deadline then too bad. I assume he won’t help and if he decides he’ll actually respond to me or look after his kids then I’m pleasantly surprised. It sucks for the kids that their dad is so inconsistent but thems the breaks. Don’t let him fuck you around, live your life and let go of the resentment. You can’t rely on him.

My son’s dad has him for 1 night every 2 weeks.
Sometimes a few days in the school holidays but that only started last year.
I wish it was more often for my son’s sake but I can’t force him.
Yes it’s unreasonable but you can’t force him to have your child more.

I wish I got more of a break but I do everything I can for my child.

Others focus on the financial support but it’s not a race to the bottom.

Getting organised so he can see his child is obviously not a priority for him and whilst I can understand that wanting a break from solo parenting is important it seems that you are putting your life on hold until he tells you what his availability is. I'd turn it around, give him a month's notice so he can actually plan if he wants to, and tell him which dates DD is free to see him. Make plans to do whatever you want on the weekends you have said she is not free. It may mean you have no break to begin with but if he wants to maintain a relationship with his daughter he will work it out. If he doesn't you will know where you stand and can stop putting your life on hold until he sorts himself out.

If you don't take charge you will spend the entirety of your daughter's childhood dancing to the tune of a disorganised dad. Introducing some routine will not prevent him from seeing his daughter unless he wants to use it as an excuse.

My ex sees the kids maybe 7 times a year for about 5 or 6 hours at a time. A YEAR. He pays about a third of that in total for them per month for me to raise them on his behalf. Its not easy, I also have no family in this country but it has to be done. Nothing you can do to get a man to do more for a child - no courts will even try enforce it.
Oh to note my ex lives about 15 mins away. He is just useless.