Knowing who is dodgy

[CrimpyHairVeryGood]

Say child abusers are charming and maybe not who you’d expect them to be because they manipulate people and hide their true desires for many years - anyone know how to detect child abusers?

Asking with a view to keeping children safe as they get older…go to houses independently make more friends and spend time overnight around parents of friends.

yanbu: to think you can probably tell something not right about them if you spend time with them
Yabu:it is just not possible to tell as they are so good at manipulating and hiding

You can't always tell. There's no set of tick boxes. Some folks appear obviously dodgy - but it's the ones who don't who get away with it. Ergo - never assume.

My advice - keep your kids close, and always know where they are and exactly who they are with. Like a pp said - kids who are left to be a bit feral will be noticed by predators. Don't be letting your kids go on play dates where older brothers or their mates might get left in charge, for example. Or older sisters with a boyfriend. If you trust the mum, make sure it is the mum who's going to be there paying attention.

No sleepovers till they are old enough to be brave enough to say no, know what to say no to, and get themself out of trouble by calling you. You know your own child wrt how old that is. My eldest - 10/11. My youngest - not yet and she's 12 now.

The best thing to do is teach your child good boundaries and good strategies to avoid trouble and that they DO NOT HAVE TO BE POLITE OR COMPLIANT to ALL adults just because they are an adult. Let them know how to phone the police. Let them know how to get home and their address. They never go into anyone's house - they come straight home after school ect.

When i think really hard about it i don't actually fully trust anyone except my DH, and my 3 own older kids. My best mate (who's DD is friends with mine, same class) is very twitchy about sleepovers so we're on the same page. I've spent a lot of years having to say no to stuff ''everybody else'' is doing - and sometimes you feel bad and have to arrange something different to make up for it - but my 4 DDs (3 young adults now) have grown up safe. And that's the main thing.

The best thing to do is teach your child good boundaries and good strategies to avoid trouble and that they DO NOT HAVE TO BE POLITE OR COMPLIANT to ALL adults just because they are an adult. Let them know how to phone the police. Let them know how to get home and their address. They never go into anyone's house - they come straight home after school ect.

Agree with this & it’s much better to learn it as a dc because becoming an adult doesn’t automatically protect you from sexual abuse and other forms of abuse.

To the disgust of many MNs I was raised that’s it ok to question authority & not just trust. You can be very open to people without having to trust them.

My dh seems to have a sixth sense when it comes to dodgy blokes. He hasn’t been wrong yet. Meanwhile, most of the time, I can’t tell

Sadly, you cannot shield your children entirely from all risk.

The best thing you can do is the stuff already mentioned on here. Ensure your children:

• know what is and is not appropriate in terms of people looking at or touching private parts of your body
• use appropriate language for body parts
• be clear at appropriate ages that there are people in the world who will hurt and upset children, that they cannot automatically trust an adult.
• make it clear you never lie to mum & dad, no secrets from mum and dad. This has to start early - bigger consequences for lies than the crime they lied to hide.
• understand at appropriate ages what sex is etc. At the right age they need to understand sex should feel good, physically and emotionally
• have clear boundaries and ensure they are confident saying no to adults and peers. Enthusiastic consent.

I think banning sleepovers etc fails to recognise that this stuff can happen anywhere. I do think sleepovers with friends need to wait until children are old enough to have learned a desire for privacy about the body and understand what is and isn't appropriate - which is 9 or 10, not 6/7.

Children are more likely to be abused by a family or household member than a stranger

I think banning sleepovers etc fails to recognise that this stuff can happen anywhere. I do think sleepovers with friends need to wait until children are old enough to have learned a desire for privacy about the body and understand what is and isn't appropriate - which is 9 or 10, not 6/7

Do other people not let their dc go on school trips? All mine have from Yr 4 onwards with a sleepover at school in Yr 3.

All good points above and I do feel it is imporrant not to let the backdrop of seemingly crazy amount of internet porn and weirdness begin to stop us all living a fun life in the community.

Stories like the guy giving sleeping drugs to kids at a camp for vulnerable kids just make me feel such utter horror and empathy for those children as well as dismay and a desire to protect children at all costs - which is entirely at odds with their need for freedom and learning how to be good citizens and community members that trust others etc.

internet distorting reality and people choosing to communicate online instead of IRL I think does have a role here in building healthy trusting relationships with a range of ages and sexes. For example it is lovely seeing male role models IRL working and playing with kids eg.our sports coach encourage our kids to play as a team, our male teacher runs and after school Lego club, our kids music teacher is a young man who really inspires them and has a laugh with them in lessons; but the thoughts of why is doing that is it to get close to kids just feels dreadfully sad to even cross your mind!

We need more men to be more involved in community activity not leaving it all to women.

This would also include looking out for dodgy behaviour in other men and maybe also getting away from porn habits too I think.

Yeah I guess there have always been predators and always will be. And always manipulators and liars.

Having high standards, high expectations of yourself and others, having good strong boundaries and close bonds with trusted adults, and having a good understanding of what to do in a situation where you are uncomfortable. Those are what I'm trying to instil into my children, whilst balancing that with not making them afraid of the world and afraid to go out and enjoy life.

The other side of the coin is that if you over-protect children and never allow them extended periods of time without any adult supervision, they may suffer from mental health issues like anxiety when older.
It is a hard thing to juggle.

You get to know the parents and you either decide you trust them or you don't allow sleepovers. You do what you did and you expect they won't be abused like you weren't.

You can't tell. I worked with someone who didn't give any indications at all of what he was - which was guilty of raping at least two of his daughters friends during play dates

The NSPCC run a great programme called Speak Out Stay Safe in primary schools. They have assemblies for key stage 1 and 2 and then workshops for the older years of each. These are all about helping children to recognise different types of abuse (in an age appropriate way) and what to do if they experience anything themselves. The emphasis is that if anything makes a child feel scared, uncomfortable, worried, upset etc then they need to tell a safe adult. They also spend time discussing who safe could be in a child's life.
I've re-empasised these things to my child. But they have/go to sleepovers. I don't think living in fear of every possible eventuality is a good way to go for the anyone's mental health. For some any risk, no matter how small is too much. And i can understand especially if someone has experienced SA. But I do think, as kids get older, they need more independence and need to be able to go out with their friends and sleepovers etc.