Silent treatment

[Newusername0]

Long term poster but name changed to save me any embarrassment!

Me and ‘D’H had a huge fight 3 days ago. I think he talks to me badly, sometimes in front of the kids. Raising his voice (not shouting) but showing obvious frustration and generally being rude. He wouldn’t dare do it to anyone outside our home, only me apparently!

So I confronted him. He turned it back around and said I’m also verbally abusive to him sometimes apparently, of course I disagreed. The argument was not in front of the kids (3 &1) but we now haven’t spoken for three days. Acting normal in front of the kids but no direct communication.

It’s bloody awkward.

I feel like I should clear the air but I always do it, and I feel like if I do it again nothing will change. He’ll continue being low level shitty and I’ll continue feeling low level second class… but we can’t go on like this forever, and he clearly has no plans to apologise.

Im so embarrassed, it’s such a childish issue, but im really not sure if IABU at this point. Life has been tough for us, jobs, kids, house sale/move, family dramas. We need counselling for sure. We’re not bad people, just a little lost in the chaos of life. But how do I save my dignity, my pride and my marriage? It feels like I have to choose and it’s makes me feel like a bit of a failure.

Any thoughts on how to move forward are welcome! Thanks for reading.

So you are both abusive? You can deny it all you like if an outsider looked in on both of you what would threy see

You both may to do some growing up and think what is best for the children you both decided to have, stay together or separate

If you are both game playing or point scoring what is it doing to them, is anyone doing what is best for the children?

There is hostility and resentment on both sides, borne out of a ‘who’s doing more’ daily comparison.

It has escalated to the withholding of communication on this occasion and I was hoping for some advice about how to move us forward without compromising the dynamic of our relationship any further.

Any advice is very welcome.

Are you also verbally abusive? The previous poster seems confident that you are, but I didn’t see any evidence of it in your OP. It could well just be DARVO on your husband’s part.

I think stonewalling is one of the most pernicious and corrosive forms of emotional abuse. It’s also horrible for children to live in a poisonous atmosphere with a sulking parent. If he won’t accept that this needs to change and he won’t take responsibility for it, that would be a dealbreaker for me.

Thank you. Definitely not verbally abusive in any way, I’m unclear from where the pp concluded that.

In truth, DH isn’t really verbally abusive in an obvious way, just more dismissive and condescending. With the odd raised voice thrown on when he’s frustrated. The best way to characterise it is rude.

He does seem unwilling to accept he’s wrong. I truly don’t think he hears himself. But I’ve had enough this time and can’t bring myself to break the ice and move us forward if he’s unwilling to change. But If I don’t, that’s the end right? I find myself feeling very unsure how to move forward.

So you spoke to your partner about how you feel disrespected by his choices. I'm assuming you raised this respectfully. His response was to blame and then silent treatment when you didn't back down. Historically you would give in to him/the silent treatment by talking, and nothing would be resolved.
So no teamwork, no communication, no understanding and supporting your partner.
Maybe just take another look at your life. How often do you walk on eggshells? Anything else you've changed in order to support his wishes?
Unless he attends counselling and you work together, with enthusiasm, this relationship is dead.
Silent treatment- also known as stonewalling- is unhealthy and can be part of emotionally abusive relationships.
Honestly , I made these same excuses to why his behaviour was the way it was. It wasn't really all the stress of life, it was his personality that didn't come out until pregnancy.

My DH used this technique too. I got to the stage where I told him how peaceful my life was when he was ignoring me and not talking, so please continue for as long as he wanted to sulk, because I was just getting on with it.
It’s very damaging to a relationship when one person is left to apologise when they weren’t the one to start the argument in the first place - I got sick of it.

Neither of you have spoken for three days! What is wrong with you both? That’s utterly ridiculous. Just grow up the pair of you. How on earth can you resolve anything when neither of you are prepared to back down? And for what? One upmanship as the person who doesn’t speak first. What are you teaching your children? Is this a new trait or did you both do it before deciding to have children? Just tell him how he makes you feel. You need to deal with things head on, I won’t tolerate sulking from my children and definitely not a partner.

Wasn't it mentioned in your OP

No.

He said she was verbally abusive and OP clearly said she disagreed.

I'd suggest counselling. You both need help and strategies to communicate better and to deal with conflict.

I completely understand what you’re saying. I understand the dismissive attitude.

You’re feeling undermined and unsupported.

having children of your age is incredibly stressful, more so when there’s an uneven balance of the workload.

put pride aside for the moment and clear the air. This atmosphere will be affecting the children but also it’s terrible for your own mental health.

have an honest open conversation when things have quietened down. If he fails to engage or is resistant then you’ll need to re evaluate things. Counselling will definitely help you see things clearer. I would go on my own firstly then see how it goes

It’s a tricky one especially when you get stuck in a cycle of not being able to properly communicate with each other. You don’t like how he speaks to you, you raise an issue, he throws it back at you and then neither of you speak to each other until one of you blinks. I get it - it’s very, very hard.

If he’s not going to budge then alas, youll
probably have to do it but if you genuinely don’t think there’s anything to apologise for then don’t. But you could say ‘can we sit down and talk please’ and then use that time to say you’re both stuck and not communicating with each other and you want to go to counselling to try and work this through.

This is obviously based on what you’ve said that he isn’t ‘abusive’ just that he’s not aware of his tone and how it makes you feel. If he is abusive then the rules of engagement are different.

I hope you’re able to get past this. It’s miserable to be stuck in that place.

Thank you. I think this and a previous poster has nailed it really. We’re both a bit bogged down in the realities of life as they are currently and taking it out on each other, perhaps without even realising. We don’t appreciate the small efforts we each make so we stop making them and then feel unappreciated!

Efforts to communicate are failing because we’re each seeing it only from our own perspective - so we’ve stopped communicating.

He did actually make me a cup of tea this morning. No words spoken, but I’m going to sit him down tor a chat tonight when the kids are in bed and suggest counselling.

Thanks everyone for your comments, it helped me see things a little clearer this morning.