Custody advice, please

[ForAmberDreamer]

I'm in a bit of a pickle.

H has got me to the end of my tether. On a good day, his contribution to household and parenting is to hold DD1 for 20 min, while being on his phone, while I run around like a blue arsed fly getting everything done. On a bad day he will have absolutely nothing to do with either, even if I ask. He works from home, but besides getting the bins out, garage stuff and occasionally putting a traybake in the oven (while turning the kitchen into a tip for me to clean up) he will not lift a finger. He never gave DD a bath or cut her nails and I have had to change her nappy again after he did it, because I could smell he didn't clean up properly. I asked for a divorce already, on several occasions. Latest being discharging myself from hospital against medical advice with pneumonia, because I knew he would not rise up to the task. He proceeded to do some small things around the house for 1 day, saying to my face he's only doing it so I don't end up back in a hospital, because then he'll have to do everything. The one thing I don't have a solution to is custody battle. He keeps claiming he'll sue me for full custody over DD. I'm pretty sure he won't get that, but I'm terrified for her welfare in his hands even on partial custody. He doesn't feed her correctly, would leave his medication lying around, including sertraline, if i wasn't watching it like a hawk, falls asleep without even checking if she needs anything, complains when I take her to a GP, even though every single time it was a valid reason (mostly chest infection). What can I do in this situation? I work full time, I could provide for her on my own,just terrified she'll be harmed if left to him.

Are you in the uk? It’s not called custody here and you can’t sue people for it.

Theres some good advice on the divorce boards about resident and non resident parent

I am in the UK, but not from here. H is. I'm not 100% how it works here.

He can try for full custody but it's more likely that he'd get 50/50. But you can't stay in a bad relationship because of this.

The only reason I'm staying is because I'm fearing for my daughter if she's left with him on her own, like she would be during his 50%. The thought literally puts the fear of God in me.

How old is dd? Do you both work?

1.5 years. Yeah, both work, me 9-5, he keeps himself cooped up in the office up to 9-21 to avoid having to do any parenting or housework. She's with cm for now during the day.

Starting point tends to be 50/50, though he's unlikely to actually go to court for that if he's that disinterested. You'd be looking at establishing a child arrangement order if you really can't agree, so you'd need to go to mediation first followed by court if you still don't agree. No such thing as resident and non resident parent either now. Particularly if you're both working most likely is set days with either parent. Unfortunately in divorce he just has to be 'good enough' and not let your dd come to harm. Because she's only 18 months, at the moment it would most likely be little and often rather than any sort of week on week off arrangement. If she's already in child care then they'd be expecting that to continue and he'd have to do drop offs and pick ups. The one thing in your favour is that the day care would have oversight of his parenting and hes unlikely to cancel it, so you'd just make sure they know who dd is with.

Have you asked him how he thinks he would cope with her without you there??

These men use the 'custody' issue as a threat. They dont actually want it, its just a tool of manipulation to keep you stuck with the prick. Call him out on it, great youll have really up your game mate, and it will be so nice for me to have all that free time to live my own life! Watch him drop the idea like a hot potato, youll be lucky if he sees her for an hour on the weekend. Your daughter needs to grow up not seeing you being a slave to this awful man, and not being under his thumb, thats most important for her wellbeing.

Not true. Courts don’t order 50/50. They will agree to maintain it if it’s already in place and act with the best wishes of the child. Not fairness to parents. Courts here are traditional and favour the main parent (mostly whomever did baby care, doctors etc.etc). Contact with the other including over nights.

Also, just leave him. You don’t need his permission or ours.

Whether he has 50/50 or not i presume he would still have unsupervised access regardless, you need legal advice not mn advice

This is not the current reality. The court will need evidence to prove why 50/50 is not appropriate and it is a high bar. 50/50 is the starting point if you do go down child arrangements route.

OK - but no matter what he's saying, he doesn't want 50/50.

so it would be jumping through the hoops - you prove the current status, he gets a certain amount of time, which he doesn't turn up for, you go back to court and get it put down to much less, he doesn't turn up for that either, and you decide if you want to get that regularised or not.

Unfortunately, you're going to need to jump through the hoops. I'd do it now though, while she's still little enough not to get upset by it.

I'm not worried about her getting upset by it, I'm worried about her not being fed, nappies not changed, exposed to dangerous objects and generally ignored whilst he sits on his phone. Not sure how I'd prove he's barely parenting now to a judge. And he would take her to get back at me, he's that type of person.

Still better to do now - courts are less likely to do 50/50 with a baby as it's acknowledged that they need a primary attachment.

Nah I disagree with other posters. I wouldn’t want to leave my child with a shit dad until they could talk fluently and tell me how they are getting on. They can then tell you if the dad feeds them at mealtimes, does bedtime or lets them pass out, shouts at them or hurts them.

supervised visits is only granted in exceptional circumstances (eg proven physical harm by parent to child). Otherwise starting point is 50;50 unsupervised visits unless you can prove the needs are otherwise - this is if both parents want 50;50 (not less)

@Tammygirl12 my fears exactly.