What to do, should I save my marriage or move on

[missymo2018]

Sorry for essay its a complex situation. We've been married 10 years, together 16, separated currently for 10 weeks and 2 kids together.

Back story we have had 13 good years and 3 not so good. My husband has had huge debts previously from partying and gambling up to 50k could be more now.
I have taken out big loans on his behalf. There has also been an incident emptying our account on a gamble he lost and we missed our mortgage. I hadn't realised months prior he had been continually to withdraw money from our piggy bank as he pleased. I have always paid for all the kids things, clothes, all our furniture in the home etc and was always happy to do so as we were happy. He has always been a partier and heavy drinker he would go out 2/3 times a week often not telling me he's going out and occasionally not coming home, this has increased in the last year massively. He has left him last minute to go away for a weekend with random people when I had booked big work events and required him to help with the kids. I've been more or less a single parent since day one. I have accepted him for who he is and supportive in the debts despite continuing to go out and worsening our financial position. I have an extra business on the side to ensure our kids can go to all their activities and life continued as normal. However in the last two years he has grown more and more resentful towards me and his anger and irritability have escalated, I have had to manage these reactions and agree on things to keep the calm in the house and have gone into myself a bit which he is claiming now made him lonely. I've suggested perhaps he could have depression which did not go down well as this was seen as labelling but also I have considered it could potentially be drugs (which was even more of an insult and got very defensive labelling falsely other members of my family taking them, he has admitted to taking them before however.

I don't believe he is cheating although he has been spotted out with another girl in a bar alone and was defensive when asked, he doesn't seem like a cheater to me however it's not to say that it could have happened or be happening.

How we ended up separated, I originally asked him to go and stay with his family when he didn't come home from work one evening instead went on a bender and didn't return until the following evening and then was angry at me for not collecting him. Originally I thought he would spend a few days with his family it would be a wake up call and to show that this behaviour couldn't go on however he's been more and more angry through messages for making him live there rather than acknowledging the behaviour before. My kids have not missed him in the house probably because it isn't much different except a calmer house and they still see him regularly.

I have not missed him however my main thing is we have had so many good years together, should i try and save this and put this down to a midlife crisis. I've suggested couples therapy as I think an independent person would be helpful when I talk to him, it's like my words go through a washing machine and somehow he is the victim and I'm being ridiculous. He has ignored my messages on the conselling which makes me think he would not agree to this.

I would be asking why you want to save the marriage. As in why would you think the relationship you have described is all your worth.

I think you're being generous with the "possible" cheating and drug taking! But agree with you re the rest.

As soon as I read "my husband is a good man!" or "we've been so happy together!" I always know I'm about to read about the human equivalent of dog shit and the most miserable relationship to ever exist.

Good grief. Stop being a door mat, it's a really bad example for your children. Get divorced asap.

Don’t continue to let him ruin your kids’ lives and futures by you being being a doormat.

Why the hell are you still with him?! 🤷

There’s not many relationship posts that I think “that woman needs a stern talking to” but this is definitely one!
Goodness, now he’s out keep him out, and get your ducks lined up.

He’s used and abused you all. Now he’s ramped it up you’re noticing. Ten weeks? Make it decades OP and official. None of you have missed him and life’s better without him as you’ve found. The only way is up from the life you’ve had.

Thank you it does make sense and I did
need to read these, I doubt myself but I think I’m grieving the family unit I hoped for not the one I have. There isn’t a whole lot to save and I am enjoying the peace I just dread his messages coming through. I am worried though about future splitting holidays ect with the kids, I cherish my children they are my whole world and hate that they can’t have both parents living with them and a loving relationship with their dad

On the whole we are happier and enjoy the peace restored in the home.

There is nothing worth saving here. I cannot even see the good years.

OP, just a couple of quotes from you.

This one from your original post 'My kids have not missed him in the house probably because it isn't much different except a calmer house and they still see him regularly.'

This from your last post 'On the whole we are happier and enjoy the peace restored in the home.'

Says it all. Go forward, don't look back with rose coloured specs.

It doesn’t sound to me as if he is interested in ‘saving your marriage’.

Ask your GP for some counselling for yourself, for sure - I think you are in dire need of some coaching around your communication and your thinking about relationships. Your children may need some careful explanations in order to help them protect their finances from him as they get older - I ended up paying my dad regularly all through my 20s and 30s after he finally left my mum - she thought she was sheltering us but they do need to understand that it’s ok to be financially independent of him. Get legal advice and protect what’s left of your finances.

Jesus Christ OP. If you don't care about yourself at least think of your kids. Your DH is total wanker. Get him out of your life now. I thought I was a soft touch, but fuck me!

Without wanting to be too harsh, do you seriously think that he's going to be a solid and reliable co-parent who wants to spend time with his children on a regular basis and provide for them, help them with schoolwork, take them on holidays etc?

I really, really doubt it. If he's going on benders, gambling, running up debt, taking drugs whilst he's in the family home then the chance of him suddenly turning it all around and being the perfect dad now is pretty much zero.

As sad as it will be for your kids, he will most likely not want anything to do with them once he's living the single life. But it will probably be better for you all ultimately.

Another first post nails it. This. In spades.

I would think this relationship was completely beyond redemption even if he was grovelling, full of remorse and begging for a second (plus) chance, but he can't even be bothered to do that, can he. You're doing all the caring for both of you, as well as also doing everything else for yourself and your children. Why is that? This is the question you should take with you to therapy. Leave him behind.

I think that’s what’s surprised me most after what how much I’ve tolerated that there’s zero remorse and he’s made himself the victim, I did expect I little grovelling but there’s been nothing only anger that he’s not in the house and living with parents, he thinks I should move out instead but I’m standing firm for the kids on this one, my daughter is autistic so needs the stability of our home and routine

Your post is giving me anxiety for you and your dc just reading the debt he’s in and the missed mortgage payment. I had visions in my head of you becoming homeless because of him. Please get rid of him, put an end to this madness. He’s putting you and your dc in so many precarious situations financially.

My first husband was a bit like this. I had to hide money to ensure the bills were paid. He would empty the kids' piggy banks to get money to gamble.

We went on a trip to Vegas and I won $10000. And walked away with my winnings. He was utterly distraught - screaming, crying, begging me to go on gambling - "but you're on a roll!" I went up to the hotel room because he was embarrassing me in public and he followed me, carried on screaming. It was quite the eye opener. We got divorced. I never got a penny in child support. Last I heard he was bankrupt.

You accepted him 'for who he was'. But now you're finding out that he was actually worse than you even realised.

No remorse. Playing the victim. @missymo2018 this man has shown you that he is the centre of his own universe and always has been.

For the sake of the children you cherish, do not go back. All that stuff about holidays and co-parenting are just your subconscious desperately throwing out 'reasons' to avoid the unknown. They're absolutely insignificant and you'll work them out. The fundamental point is you're free. Don't walk back into prison. It'll be worse next time.

“I've suggested couples therapy as I think an independent person would be helpful when I talk to him, it's like my words go through a washing machine and somehow he is the victim and I'm being ridiculous. He has ignored my messages on the conselling which makes me think he would not agree to this”

counselling doesn’t work when someone isn’t engaged. But also the counsellor won’t take sides or try and make him see sense. That’s not their role.

this is awful OP and you need to leave. Just be aware that your martial assets will be expected to house you both, and the debts are highly likely to come out of that pot too.

Is this for real?

I say this in the nicest possible way, there is nothing to save. You and your kids are happier when he’s not there. He sounds a nasty, selfish man stuck in a single man’s mindset.

I hope writing everything you have experienced down has made you realise why you shouldn’t stay in this marriage and sending you all the strength you need to get out.

OP you need to divorce. You haven't had happy times. He's been walking all over you and you've let him.

Your poor kids. You need to leave for their sake let alone your own

You need solo counselling to interrogate why you have been accepting this bad behaviour for years allowing yourself to go into debt and subsidising his gambling habit and irresponsible behaviour.

why would you want him back? Why do you think you or your children are worth so little as to deserve this man as a husband and father.

it’s you who needs a wake up call, not him.
what you have written here is horrible. I cannot believe you have happily been funding his erratic behaviour and lifestyle for over decade. Think about what example you are setting for your children to accept in a partner, think about how you are normalising lying, stealing and god knows what else with no accountability to being a good parent or financially responsible adult.

can you imagine having a daughter in your position putting up with this crap.

come on OP, you need to do better than this man. I am sure you love and care for him, but that doesn’t mean you accept lees than nothing for he sake of it. There is more to life than holding onto someone because of the person they were those few good months a long time ago. let him go, let this relationship go.

I promise there is A life for you and your children without all this erratic drama. There is nothing to save, this is not a marriage. He is taking advantage of you and you are living in a fantasyland.