Don’t want to spend birthday with in-laws

[JBlige]

Hi, wanted some advice on this please. I’ve been married a few years and have a toddler with my husband.

i feel his family haven’t really let him go (as in as a man with his own family) and it’s shown up in so many different ways; be it life events, opinions etc… but recently his family reached out to ask what my birthday plans are. It’s not that I don’t like spending time with them, but there’s this undertone that I’ve married into their family and so I should leave mine behind and focus on his family; parents, siblings etc… so now my birthday is coming up, the questions are “what are we doing as a family” as opposed to me spending the day with just my husband and child. Not sure if I make sense but would love to know if anyone can relate to this.

I don’t understand the bit you say about your opposing families- what specifically have they said and done to make you think that?

Just them you are spending the day with your husband and toddler and are looking forward to the three of you doing something

if they want to join in say no

Get your DH to tell them your birthday plans are you, him and your toddler. Just because they've asked, it doesn't mean you have to give in.

You could see them the weekend before or after your birthday in addition to your own celebration.

Will you be seeing your parents?

Thanks for your question - in my culture it’s expected that a woman leaves her family to join her husband’s family, however having grown up British I can’t really say I’ve adopted that. An example would be during post-partum, my MIL was unhappy that my mum was around to help and felt it should have been herself instead.

so in this example, my parents know I’m having a chilled birthday with husband and toddler.

Thank you… I’ll be seeing my parents another day during the week.

Well you know, bollocks to tradition, do what you want! Hope your husband is on YOUR wavelength!
The in-laws will just have to learn that this is how you're doing things now. Sod 'em!
And happy birthday 🎉🙌🎈🎊

This sort of thing makes me feel so stifled. I’m watching this happen to a relative at the moment, I’m not sure if she’s twigged what’s going or not, but she’s going to have a bit of a problem extracting herself from it without blowing up her life. These sort of people don’t seem to be anything but steamrollers.

Basically, they don’t care about you and what you want, so I wouldn’t spend much time caring about them and what they want.

Have YOUR birthday the way YOU want and enjoy it!

Just say on my birthday we’re doing xyz, I’m seeing my parents on xday and it’d be lovely to see you both/all on yday if that suits you? Then you sound excited to see them but you’re telling them when they can and can’t see you.

Just because someone expects something of you doesn’t mean you have to do it.

You reply cheerfully thanks we have x planned, I’m looking forward to it! Are you free for dinner on the weekend/can we come for dinner on the weekend? (Depending on the norm re dinner at yours/ theirs.)

Just say you will see them on a different day… simple.

It’s your birthday. Do what you want to do.
if you allow them to steam roll over your birthday now then they will continue to do so. Make sure your DH has your back.

Get dh to say we have plans on JBlige actual birthday but shall we do xyz on x day ?

Start your own traditions... It's your birthday and imo it really can be all about what YOU want...