DD 8, has no close friends

[Whatsmyageagain1]

DD is 8 and doesn’t have any really close friends. She goes to a tiny school, with only 10 girls in her class including her, and I would say a solid 6 of those girls are quite unpleasant. She gets on ok with everyone, she’s very kind and easy going, doesn’t take herself too seriously, but despite having on paper all the qualities that would make her a popular, valued member of the class, she gets walked all over and I think is starting to realise how her friends….aren’t really great friends. It’s never about what she wants to play, always what they want to play. If they’re upset, the world stops and she will go out of her way to comfort them, yet when she has been upset…she’s left to wander the playground alone, they couldn’t care less. I could go on and on. She’s genuinely very kind and nice natured and it breaks my heart to think of her feeling alone, and being treated less than kindly. I also really worry about her self esteem and lack of confidence in telling people when they’re being mean (there’s been quite a bit of mean behaviour from a few in the class and DD lets it all slide because she’s worried about repercussions of standing up for herself. I have spoken to teachers numerous times who literally do nothing, we practice scenarios and what she could say, but nothing seems to help her find her voice).
she does several clubs outside of school that she enjoys, and is friendly with kids that go but I wouldn’t say actual friends.
How else can I help her?
what is normal for this age of girls friendship wise?
would love to hear from others with girls the same age, or those who went through similar with their daughters at the same age.

Look at the girls in her class or the clubs, if you feel any of them are really nice then encourage the friendship by organising play dates outside of school. Even if it means you do all the facilitating of this at the start.

Oh poor love. It’s so hard isn’t it. Mine went to a small village school with 6 girls in her year and 10 kids in the year in total and I honestly could have written the post as we were in a very similar situation. Long story short, it got very bad so we moved her to the bigger school in town before Christmas. There are now 29 kids in her year.

Things are 100% better and for the first time ever, she looks forward to school. I wish we had done it years ago. I had romantic notions about her going to a nice small rural school but it was an absolute nightmare. The opposite of how I thought it might turn out.

I hope things improve for your little one. I know it’s a very hard place to be.

I would arrange some playdates or meet ups with one or two of the nice girls in her class and any that she's friendly with at out of school clubs. Sometimes you have to make the effort to make your house the one that all the kids want to come to - have some fun activities like making cupcakes or jewellery or pottery so friends have a keepsake to take home, or take them out to an arcade, skating, crazy golf and treat them to burgers & ice-cream!

Similar situation here, small class with only 9 girls, I’ve enrolled her into scouts and she’s thriving in it and has made a couple of good friends :)

Might be bad luck with the other girls not gelling? Dd never really clicked with girls at primary but blossomed at secondary and now has legions of adoring friends and parties every weekend. Hope for similar outcome for you x

Sorry not intentionally drip feeding, she has had loads of play dates over the years, doing a wide variety of activities, which have been fine but it’s been with girls that ended up being horrible to her, or the girls that aren’t actually horrible but aren’t great friends to her either (leaving her crying, not interested in her ideas etc)

I really hope so, as mentioned she is so sweet and has all the qualities anyone would
want in a friend. I do think she has a difficult mix of girls in her very small class ☹️

Awww, my 8 year old DD would be her friend! We are in a village and there are only 2-3 children in each year of the school. Two classes. My daughter had a dreadful time in p3 and I nearly moved her to a larger school 30 mins away. There are other girls in her class but they were very cliquey and one girl used to actively run away from my daughter and hide whenever my daughter tried to play with her. By a stroke of luck a new girl arrived a few months ago and she has really gelled with my daughter, it’s turned things around massively. My daughter is in turn so much more confident. I do think it’s as much about the girls gelling as it is about numbers. My daughter is very quiet and arty / bookish and not all all interested in the latest trends.

I would say we were very lucky that the other 8yo girl came along. Had she not I’d probably have bitten the bullet and taken my daughter to a larger school in the hope that she’d find her tribe. You could start with clubs as PP have said, where kids from a larger school also attend.

I know it's hard on the child but it's equally hard on mum, been there. It's round about that age where the funny business starts - before that they're all pals together, the odd stand off & telling tales but nothing serious, tears before bedtime but next morning all is forgotten. Suddenly 3 becomes a crowd, I don't want to be your friend anymore etc. I think they all go through it. There'll be a leader in the group of 5 and no-one wants to upset her x

Anecdotally I cannot tell you how different the power balance is now 10 years later. The unkind queen bee girls are now mousy stay at home teens definitely out of the loop socially. Dd2 used to read in the library or hang out with the bookish boys at primary when they decided she was out of favour.

At 17 dd2 is the most popular girl in the 6th form and they ….are not. They look in awe at her social life. Karma.

I have a 9yo DD. She has a group of friends but there have always been a couple that want to lead things. Summer of year 4 was particularly bad - the whole of lunch time seemed to be taken up with one of them getting annoyed any flouncing off, and then the others trying to placate them. Things have calmed down a bit now: there is still lots of flouncing but the others don't always run after the flouncer and promise the world. I think this is often a tricky age for girl's friendships.

Can you arrange any 1:1 playdates? Can you also chat with your DD about what else she can do at lunchtime if friendships are tough? DDs school have some kids who do 'eco' jobs at lunchtime, which she has enjoyed when friendships have been tricky.

I have a similar situation. DD had a best friend until the end of last year. Nothing terrible happened and they're still friends, the dynamics just changed between a three friends. Like your DD, mine is also in a small school with only one class per year which makes it harder because most of the friendship groups were forged during reception class.

I try to think about it long-term. This stage in DDs life is small and it won't matter in a few years. But I can understand your concerns and feelings. My DD used to love going to school. Now she doesn't have the same enthusiasm and it makes me sad to think of her during playtime.

I always find these things hard to call because these kids are still learning about friendship and will get it wrong without intent. Each of my three children has had periods of feeling like nobody likes them, I think age 8 is about the beginning of it.

When my older daughter DD13 has friendship drama (and oh my word there's a lot) I advise her to invite someone not involved on a sleepover or something, and facilitate the solid friendships. I find that they only need one person, and not to feel alone or unwelcome in a group, and they're good.

I will say that you can facilitate but not get involved too much. The goal is not for there to be no problems (there will be) but that DD has the tools and resilience to deal with them herself. The role play is great, but model it too! Go out of your way for those who are kind to you, and also take no crap. DD will follow your example.

The sad thing I noticed about many of the "mean girl" friendship groups is that it's often a type of trauma bonding. The girls at the core of the clique are ones who spend excessive amounts of time together after school and on weekends as well. They don't have the best home life (eg parents splitting up or fighting a lot) so they're always sent to clubs, activities and sleepovers to keep them out of the way. They internalise the feeling that they're not really wanted at home so friendships with similar girls become a lifeline. These girls latch onto each other and sometimes also end up being mean to others as a way of dealing with their emotions.

Sadly it also means that timid, nice girls find it very difficult to edge their way into these friendships. Firstly, they can't physically spend that much time together since they're often picked up earlier from school, have a SAHM, don't attend that many clubs etc. They also have a lot of their emotional needs met at home so they usually don't see friendships as something they "need" on a visceral level. It also means they don't invest the same intensity of emotions upholding friendships with other girls but this results in always being on the periphery.

Sorry this doesn't really solve the problem but it's an observation that no amount of well intended intervention can really change friendship dynamics. Especially at this age. The girls are still young and cannot verbalise their feelings. They often feel unwanted at home so they pour all their energy into friendships at school. They start doing the exact thing to other classmates that they experience at home (excluding, ignoring, mean remarks) as a way of coping.

Yes think there is a lot in that. Then at secondary there’s a much deeper pool and the well balanced girls can find each other and form healthy friendships.

My poor sister was trapped with an extremely troubled girl at primary at a tiny village school who basically emotionally tortured her for years acting out her unhappy life on my cheerful sister. The relief my sister felt at arriving at a vast secondary and finding lovely “normal” girls to become friends with was immense. It’s for this reason I shudder at the “idyllic” village primary with 4 other girls in the class….