In-laws keep asking to stay over

[TwinkleTwinkleX]

We live in a small 3 bed flat with a 5 month old and a 3 year old.
In laws live 2 hours away and we visit them at least 4 /5 times a year. They’ve seen our 5 month old 4 times spending a few days each visit.
we used to live in a smaller 2 bed flat so when they would visit they would stay in a local hotel or with my parents who have a bigger house. This arrangement felt easier but now they keep asking to stay over with us (almost every month)
I find it so stressful, I’m exclusively breastfeeding, the little ones won’t settle with them about and we have to shift beds around. They never occupy themselves and I feel like I have to play host (despite already juggling enough). They also never treat us to coffee/ a meal or contribute to food which I find cheeky.
husband finds it irritating but is much more easy going / it doesn’t impact him as much snd he’s a bit bullied by them he can’t say no. AIBU thinking they should get a hotel / take my parents up on their offer to stay with them?
they have money for a hotel,.. i don’t understand why they want to crowd us when our flat is so small. They are bored and retired so I don’t want them to think this can continue so frequently, especially when I’m back at work but am I just being harsh?

You tell dh to tell them to stay at your parents or in a hotel

Goodness me I couldn’t handle that at all. You are being way too accommodating to the detriment of your own wellbeing. I couldn’t cope with that even now and my kids are pretty self sufficient, but in your position, good Lord, no.

God your DH really has to learn to stand up for you. wrt letting his folks do as they please when you were giving birth.

They can stay in a hotel from now on. And once a month is quite enough.

They didn’t stay at ours once I had given birth but nearby and asked my husband and eldest to go out for dinner with them the second night of my littlest daughter’s life. I am trying not to fall out with them for my children’s sake and to keep peace but feel so cross about it all

Did your husband go? If so then that's really his mistake.

Thankfully not!

Also, surely if you are staying over you bring stuff along to contribute? They expect that if we go out for breakfast (instead of me cook) that we split the bill. they have money and treat themselves on shopping trips when here. I am winding myself up thinking about it..

There is nothing wrong with wanting to stay over and a small flat does not matter but their lack of manners - not paying for stuff - and help does matter a lot

I don't expect family or friends to cover all or part of the cost of their stay or contribute towards it in kind. I suppose that it generally works out financially since we mostly take it in turns to host.

I think you should say what works for you and what doesn't. Be polite, be kind, but be clear and direct

I guess if I am ever a house guest (though i prefer not to stay over) I always bring something like flowers or wine and would insist on paying for coffees or for a meal. They also have previously stayed at ours so they can go out to the theatre or a posh restaurant, coming back late. I had a 3 month old at the time and they weren’t hearing me when I kept saying how tired I was / how little sleep I’ve been getting

You can be clear with your husband that they can visit but absolutely no staying with you.
Thats it.
If he disrespects you, go and stay with your parents.
Yanbu.
I never wanted visitors with tiny children.
Fortunately my husband completely agrees.
Its simply too much.
And we had a large house.

Yes I think it needs to be addressed before I end up snapping at them and permanently damaging the relationship

If you can be over with your parents would that work? Your dh might secretly want them staying over (I’d love my mum/ back in the day my parents to be around for the everyday stuff you don’t get to be part of when you’re only there a few hours). You say you feel the need to host but you could sit back a bit and get them to help out, you may not think they will but my sister in
par is great for saying to guests ‘would you mind chucking on the kettle’ for example, in particular with guests that just plan on being waited on!!!

Sorry but I’d be telling my DH, that he explains that they canNOT come and stay in your flat anymore and he must tell them that - or you will be taking the kids and yourself to your parents every single time and they will NOT be able to see the DCs unless he comes to fetch them.

No debate. He has to chose you or his parents.

Do they need to stay at all? I'm 2 hours journey from my family and just visit for lunch/the afternoon. It seems totally unnecessary to stay over.

Leave home at 10am, get there for midday, have some lunch, play with the kids, leave at 4pm, home by 6pm.

The problem with saying 'I'm so tired/hardly getting any sleep' is they won't be attributing that to them coming back late. They'll just be thinking 'oh yes, because you've got a baby'. Being subtle and expecting people to read between the lines doesn't work. You need to explicitly say to them "I'm really exhausted because you came home late and wake everyone up" for them to understand. And I appreciate that feels uncomfortable for a lot of people! But it is the only way you can be sure they've heard you (and if they ignore that, then they're not pleasant people and I wouldn't want them staying anyway!).

So with them staying in general - I would try and be as clear as possible as to why it doesn't work. "Our flat is too small for overnight visitors. We've tried it in the past and we've all ended up tired and cramped. You are as always welcome to stay at my parents or in a nearby hotel, but we are not able to host you at ours anymore". Clear, simple, direct.

Those bedrooms need filled op. Mini trampoline, wigwam play tent... Ball pool. . No bloody space for a blow up bed... And dc need some activities so you aren't so available
..

Why do so many women on here feel the need to make their husbands choose them over their parents? It’s so mean and in most cases unnecessary. It isn’t a competition. It really isn’t hard to adult up and just say we can’t accommodate overnight visitors, so whilst we’d love to see you you’ll have to bunk up in the premier inn or whatever. It isn’t any more unreasonable for the parents of a son to want to see their grandchildren than the parents of a daughter. And yes, they aren’t your parents, so they’re potentially not the same as yours, but your husband loves them and is just as entitled to a relationship with them as you are with yours. I don’t see what exclusively breastfeeding has to do with anything either, given the baby is 5 months old presumably you aren’t still flaked out on the sofa weeping and leaking milk from your engorged breasts.

No, it shouldn’t be a competition - BUT where the parents have made it one he needs to step up and set boundaries.

And even my InLaws would feel that their son’s wife (me) and children should take priority over them. It’s not about ME being a woman, it’s about the fact that when you marry, your partner and any children shift to the top of the hierarchy. I’d answer the same if this was a same sex marriage or a man posting about the monthly invasion by his wife’s parents.

There was no need to be misogynistic about it.

I’m not misogynistic in the least. His parents haven’t made it a competition, you’re the one who said make him choose. The parents just need telling clearly that there’s no room now and they need to stay in a hotel. Either the OP or her DH can say it, they’re both adults in a marriage with an equal say. It’s this constant make him step up, make him choose, make him prove his priorities. What’s the fear if you marry a decent man? Why the insecurity? Of course wife and children come first but having a great relationship with his mother doesn’t threaten that. There’s really usually no reason for push to come to shove.

You don’t need to say anything at all, any time they ask you smile sweetly, look at DH and say ‘Honey?’ and then make an excuse to leave the room.

If they think that being awkward and applying social pressure is a good way to speak to their daughter in law, two can play that game.

Every time they ask a question you don’t want to answer and your DH is too wimpy to step forward and tell them no even though he is obviously the one who should be doing it, try to not be in the room anymore.

We always take food and wine when we visit friends. We cook and help clean up, take our own towels to ease through washing load. We've even cat sit and left them a homemade meal in the fridge. We're not even family!

I take/gratefully receive gifts with friends but don’t want that from family. Food & drink contributions when we or they have been on tight budgets but we wouldn’t eat out then. We never think of hotels, don’t live that near to one, it’d create a distance that I don’t want with family: I liked my little kids to go in and see grandparents early in the morning, for example.

You do you, of course, just wanted to point out that some of these expectations/ideas of what’s polite aren’t universal.