What’s reasonable for a 15 year old?

[Workingmummyto1]

Will try and keep this brief but really appreciate any insights here.

DS is 15. I divorced his dad when he was 10. Since then son has spent every other weekend and 60% of school holidays with his dad. We live 2 hours apart.

DS has been fine with this until the last 12 months or so. He plays a lot of sport at the weekends (formal team activities where attendance is important) and now his friends are turning 16 there are more parties/ social activities at weekends.

DS would like to now have greater say in how he splits his time. His dad is rigid to the timetable and most often refuses to allow changes and usually involves DS getting upset/angry. Situation not helped by ex-husband making little/no effort to plan things/make weekends and holidays fun, so DS even less keen to go.

YABU - DS should honour arrangement and continue to split time as previously agreed

YANBU - DS is nearly 16 and should have a say in how he spends his free time

keen to know how others might have navigated this?

I’ve always said when mine are older they can choose how they spend their time, their dads quite rigid as well though so I know he wouldn’t have them if it wasn’t his allocated day!!

YANBU. Your son can just refuse to go at 16.

Obviously your son should have a choice in how he spends his time. I'm not even sure why this is questioned.

You should let Ex know that if pushed to court the court would take a 16 year old views into account

Well as soon as he's old enough he can vote with his feet so if his Dad is interested in an ongoing relationship with his son he better start being a bit more accommodating.

Of course your ds gets a say! It's up to him, within reason.

Entirely up to your Ds now.
I’m 99.9% certain a judge would ask your Ds what he would like to do if it came to it.

DS should be allowed to choose if he wants to spend time with his DF. If his DF pushes for the current rigid schedule he will just drive your DS away.

At this age a court would 100% allow the DC to choose where they went and how often.
Let him be happy. If his dad wants a relationship, he'll have to put some effort in.

So I assume that when he's with his dad, he's not allowed to play sport/go to parties? In which case, yes, I think DS has every right to vote with his feet as it were. And I think the court would take a pretty dim view of a parent of a teenager with an active extra curricular and social life being forced by one parent to to abandon those activities during their contact time, particularly at this age.

It might be worth a quick call with a family law solicitor to get proper advice, but I'd be inclined ot tell your ex that if he' snot willing to allow your DS to grow up, he's going to show his increased independence and maturity by voting with his feet...; back to your house.

It’s daft to even suggest DS should ‘honour’ anything, the decision was made for him by divorcing parents, he owes neither of you anything. He absolutely should get a say, and if his dad chooses to loose out on a relationship then that’s his loss.

Has your son told his dad he doesn’t want to go? He absolutely should have a say in it at age 15/16.
Can he/ you be more flexible around weekends, eg if a friend’s party falls on dad’s weekend, swap weekends so that he goes the following weekend instead.

What does the exDH propose to do if the son refuses to go? Drag him there physically?

He should be able to play for his team any weekend he wants and attend parties / events if convenient to the resident parent. alternate weekends 2 hours from home doesn’t work for a teen.

He's 16!

Of course he should have a say and be supported to fulfil his responsibilities amd commitments as part of a sports team. It is right and healthy that he spends more time with his friends and attends the parties 'everyone else' is going to.

His Dad surely understands that contact arrangements need to change and evolve as dc grow. Or is he going to expect EOW when DS is at uni?

My 16 yr old has a job so couldn't miss every other week and stay employed.