To think that DM is being unreasonable here

[Emilyinspace]

DM is a reasonably fit 76 but has reverted into wanting to be treated like an ‘old lady’ of late - think wanting lots of lifts, visits, phone calls etc.

I had a small op tuesday last week and DM knew about this as I spoke to her sunday beforehand and saw her during the week before but she is annoyed because I didn’t ring her beforehand or on the day. She doesn’t seem to click that phones work both ways !!!

Shes miffed as she says she’s wanted to come up with meals etc and to be honest Im relieved as I really didn’t want her coming up - there is always a big palaver involved as she wants lifts (from DH in this case who will be busy organising teens , dogs and working) and even if she says she’s ok to get the bus, there will endless jabs around how she was left to get a bus home (I am still listening 10 years later to how DH once let her get the bus in the rain - it’s door to door and 15 mins)

AIBU unreasonable to think that if she wanted to speak to me she should have called, I was the one having the op and the one in pain afterwards

Tell her and move on. Of course you are right.

Why is she behaving like that? I'm 76 and I won't rely on my DC for anything. Two live near me and one 17 miles away. She needs to give her head a wobble unless she is developing dementia. I go to extreme lengths to avoid asking my DC for any help because if I live another 20 years I might need to involve them and don't want to use up their goodwill.

My dad died last year, my mum a few years previously, and they never phoned me unless there was some pressing need to speak to me (which was rare). I think they had the attitude that calls were a big deal - when they were young, hardly anyone had a phone at home, and then they had one which was only used when absolutely necessary.

When I moved to London, they wanted me to call on a Sunday evening. I called more than that, but they never did.

I think it's a generational thing.

I’m very aware of this @RollonSpringplease . I hope DM lives a full life for many years but I’m aware that a level of care may be required in the future.

I don’t think it’s a good idea to start this dependency now but she very much wants to be the old lady who is ‘looked after’ until she wants to go out or go on holidays of course 😃

There is no dementia.

@Arran2024 I don’t think it’s around phone calls as such - more around that she is the one who should be checked on and called

I'd be saying "I thought it was a KNOWN FACT that the person about to undergo surgery gets called by others wanting to send their love, etc."

I genuinely don’t mind her not calling - I don’t expect it, it’s a small procedure. What I do object to is her being annoyed at me because I didn’t call her

YANBU. She sounds exhausting.

Anyone offering 'help' that requires more work or effort from the recipient than from the provider of this 'help', is doing this for entirely selfish reasons.

I can imagine your mum being the sort of person that would say to her friends 'I do so much for them and I don't know how they would ever manage without me'.

This is it. Think - i’ve made you a dinner, can you call up and collect it. When you have the makings of dinner at home , it’s actually more hassle to drive up and collect from her !

I sympathise, I'm having similar problems with mine. YANBU

Op mine is 80s. Just be firm. Could be years of demands.... I got told one wend wrap yourself up. I was unwell with chest infection. Still expected my visit)

It’s this I find so difficult @Mary46 I am happy to call in a couple of times a week, call several times a week etc.

It’s the the total lack of any regard for my wellbeing and the annoyance when she isn’t prioritised that gets me

Yes Emily its all about them. I find if I say no she plotting the next move. Not nice at all.

YANBU! My mum is in her 80s and she would definitely have called/text me if I was recovering after an op. And she wouldn't be hassling for lifts either - she has had to give up driving because of eyesight and she hates the loss of her independence, even though my sister and I are happy to drive her anywhere (she hates to feel a burden!)

Your mum is 76 which is not old these days! Don't get sucked into the little old lady act 😂

Mil is the same - wants to be chauffeured to routine appointments, even though she has her own £25k BMW sat on the drive. It’s needy and infuriating.

Well DM has called to say that she has cooked a meal and DH needs to go up, collect her, and bring her back to our house so she can visit and then drop her home.

We have a parent teacher meeting, a 2 kids training tonight so that going to be a no, so she’ll be pissed off with that

The meal is clearly intended as something nice but it’s just adding hassle !

Take it she won't call herself a taxi?

Nope my parents would call for a chat.

Reminds me of the joke.

Call me a cab.
Your a cab.

Absolutely not, she is doing us this great favour by cooking us a meal so we must travel to receive this great largesse !

And my DH will be badmouthed because he wont drive up in between parent teacher meetings and soccer and hockey training (one of which he trains himself)

The only unreasonable thing here is the fact that you're putting up with this crap.

Agree

Can you move a bit further away? 😉
(or tell her you're considering it? Nothing to do with her, of course....)

Seriously OP, (and when you're feeling up to it) I think you're going to have to gird your loins and have The Chat.
It will have to be done sooner or later, I think.

My mum was like this, and she gradually got worse.

Now I have told her that I simply don’t care. I’m sick of the constant moaning and woe is me, and I told her so.

Life is too short for this shit