To decline role of MOH?

[Buckbeak123]

Wondering if anybody has been in a similar situation and can advise please. Happy to take shit if I'm out of order!

Friend since we were 18, now 32. Mostly drinking partners type relationship. Things changed and our relationship became more distant when I had my DD (18 months), which I definitely can accept some responsibility for. My priorities changed, she doesn't have children and is likely bored of all the child talk and equally I can't relate to her in the same way anymore. The day I came home with my newborn she came to meet her and asked me to be MOH at her wedding, I was in a postpartum fog and gratefully accepted. I don't think she got the reaction she wanted but you know how it is when you're painful and exhausted 😂

18 months on and the wedding is this year. We don't see much of eachother anymore, once every month or two. Talk less frequently. Which again I accept some responsibility for as I am back at work and have a wild toddler - time is not a resource i have much of!!

Just found out I'm pregnant again (very much cherished pregnancy after a recent miscarriage) and will be 9 months pregnant on her wedding day. She doesn't know yet.

Just got a message asking me to get started on planning hen etc. She wants to go away for the weekend, iv never left my toddler and don't think I'd be upto a drinking weekend while sober and pregnant 😂 also pretty exhausted, skint, time poor and don't think I'd have the capacity to MOH duties.

AIBU to want to decline MOH duties? I know its late in the game but due to the change in circumstance I wonder if she'd probably want somebody else anyway. But is too polite to ask.

YABU - suck it up and get the job done

Thanks xx

Given you can’t guarantee you’ll even be able to go to the wedding, the right thing to do is to step back.

The baby alone is the reason, never mind all the other stuff.

If you are due within a few weeks of her wedding, you need to tell her now.

Not unreasonable at all, no. Tell her now though, so she has plenty of time to make alternative plans. And tell her in personor phone, not by message.

Congratulations on your new baby!

You need to tell her and fast. You can’t commit to being maid of honour when you will be giving birth at the same time as the wedding. It’s a little unclear why she chose you at all. She needs to know now so she can get someone else.

Decline but do it now and dont drag it out any longer. You have good reasons and she has time to ask someone else. But if you want to keep the friendship start making a bit more effort.

Call her and talk to her. Decide together. It’s not unusual to drift apart at this stage. But I’ve ‘come back’ to old friendships, and I’m grateful for them.

It’s absolutely fine to just let her know you are worried you may not be able to attend, because you literally may be giving birth on her wedding day. Honestly, she will probably be relieved (I think it would cause a lot more stress to try to carry on and then potentially pull out very last minute).

I had to pull out of being MOH at my good friend’s wedding. She was MOH for mine. She lives abroad though so I would need to travel and I had a then 8 month old baby (who I’d have to bring with me because he was EBF and could not be left for 4-5 days). For complex reasons, my passport got held up in visa limbo for 9 months and I had to pull out because I didn’t have a passport to travel on. Even if it had come back in time, I still needed to apply for ds’s passport (which I hadn’t been able to do because mine was stuck waiting for a visa since before he was even born). It was fine. She understood. It was just one of those things that I had no control over and it simply wasn’t possible to get there.

Yes, call her to give her the news and explain that it’s no longer going to be possible. It doesn’t have to be a big deal, you have a toddler and you’re pregnant, you don’t have the capacity to plan and attend a weekend away, and if you give birth before your due date you’ll potentially either be in labour on her wedding day or will have a very new newborn. It’s a role for someone else. Presuming she understands you can keep up whatever level of friendship you want afterwards - not all friendships need to involve frequent meetings, sometimes it’s just nice to have someone who’s known you in your previous iterations to have a bit of fun and lightheartedness with from time to time.

Just let her know your happy news, and tell her you have to step back from being part of the wedding party. Tell here there is a very big chance you won't be able to attend as you'll be about to pop or will have just had your baby.

If she kicks off - sorry, when she kicks off, block her.

She might understand one day, if she decides to have kids of her own.

Good luck with the pregnancy and new baby. 👶🏻

eta - you've only just found out? so the wedding must be July/August? That's loads of time for her to get someone another friend/bridesmaid to organise a piss up.

Thank you guys for all your replies, its really appreciated more than you know. Would you advise telling her now even though I'm only 7 weeks? Had an EPAU scan yesterday confirming pregnancy..but also with history of miscarriage I wasn't going to share the news with anybody for another month x

We don't see much of eachother anymore, once every month or two. Talk less frequently.

@Buckbeak123 This is probably enough reason if you want to, understandably, keep your news to yourself.

Just tell her life is hectic and you have different priorities.
She needs to find a closer friend to do all her Bridezilla admin.

Say you'd still like to attend the ceremony - you can always back out if you need to closer to the date.

Yes. She will think you're a shitty friend. But sometimes you have to put you and yours first.
That's today.

I wouldn’t tell her if you don’t want to, be vague and say you have a lot coming up in the next few months and you don’t wish to leave your toddler alone overnight so you won’t be able to make the hen do. Don’t feel pressurised in to telling her, especially with a miscarriage being recent.

There's a nutty poster in another thread who I'm sure will be glad to take it off your hands

Came here to say this. There is a MOH wannabe over there ---->
Get them together.

Flippant comments aside, I think you could be honest about now realising how hard it would be to combine with a toddler, you didn't have a clue when you said yes etc, if you aren't ready to share current pregnancy. Although, if she pushes, you may need to. Either way, the sooner the better.

I think it’s pretty shitty to wait 18 months to tell her something you should have (and clearly wanted to) say at the time.

Just tell her now and let her find someone she can enjoy the build up to her wedding with.

9 months pregnant, YA so NBU.

Yes I agree with this tbh - I know the pregnancy changes things but it sounds like you never wanted to do it anyway.

I think you need to tell her ASAP and expect her to be really upset

Much better to decline now. You might not even be at the wedding if you’ve just given birth or in labour!
If it were me I’d rather you decline now so there’s time to find someone else. I would tell her it’s because you’re pregnant too or she’s likely to be annoyed/hurt if she thinks it’s just because you don’t fancy it - you can ask her to keep it to herself

Definitely tell her as soon as you can so she can pick another MOH and get on with making plans.

I think in your shoes I would tell her now. You have a lot of reasons why it's just not feasible for you but "I'll be about to drop" doesn't have a solution so it avoids her trying to find ways you can still do it.

I would tell her and I would tell her the news too because not only does it explain why you didn't contact her first (waiting for 12 weeks) but trusting her with the secret is also a way of showing that you value her and are not just dropping her. Don't plan to lose touch altogether unless she has really pissed you off in some way. Friendships have seasons and long ones especially can ebb and flow.

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

I think it's a good idea to step back from this role. I would tell her very soon so she can adjust her plans. Congratulations and the best of luck with the pregnancy!

I agree.

Obviously you need to tell her now.
But you don't need to tell her about the pregnancy.
Just phone her (if not local) or meet up with her and tell ther that you are really sorry, but, when you accepted the role, you really didn't have any idea how exhausted you would be being a Mum and working. Say that you wouldn't be able to go on the hen, so clearly can't organise that and that you just don't have the energy to do the role justice. Tell her you feel you are a rubbish friend and apologise but say you thought by telling her now she'd have enough time to get someone else to do the things she wants doing.

If people plan weddings so long in advance, they have to accept that circumstances will change in other people's lives in between the original ask and the time of the wedding.

I do think you should pull out and tell her why. It’s fine as you don’t even know if you’ll be there. She also shouldn’t have asked you that day!

From what you’ve said though, you do sound like you haven’t been a great friend to her. It’s excuse after excuse for why the friendship has drifted.