WWYD

[MJ15647]

Hi all, new to this forum and looking for advice on how best to proceed with a family situation.

For context my sister is an alcoholic and has always been unreliable, my mum makes alot of excuses for her, in particular when it comes to meeting up. I am sympathetic to my sister's issues so try to be understanding when she lets you down, i've also learnt to set expectations low when it comes to family gatherings.

I thought I had squared this all in my head but for some reason this latest event has really upset me to the point I honestly don't know how to be with them both moving forward.

Just for context Christmas has always been a trigger for me because as teenagers we always did what my sister wanted and went to her current boyfriends house / friends houses, it never felt like it was enough for her to just spend Christmas with mum and I. I remember getting upset numerous times about spending Christmas at her friends houses but I was always made to feel like I was the one being difficult.

Fast forward to this Christmas, mum calls to say we are definitely meeting up for Christmas and my sister and her husband are coming over to ours. Through habit I know to check with my mum if this is definitely happening and get told yes its definitely happening put it in the diary. So I pencil that weekend in the diary and think no more of it. A few days before we are to meet we get a text from my sister saying we can't make this weekend so we are coming down the following weekend. No apology just fact. I just lose the plot at this point and have it out with my mum who again makes excuses and says, well the date wasn't definite and maybe it was her (my mum) who got the dates wrong. I send a group message saying that we couldn't make the following weekend as we were away and I was upset that we were not going to meet up, especially as I had told my children everyone was coming over and in future can we not put dates out if we have no intention of sticking to them. I get no reply. My mum and sister go ahead and have their Christmas on the weekend we couldn't do and we return from our weekend away to a bag of presents on the doorstep, no note, no message or call and I haven't heard from either of them since.

I know my sister will be thinking i'm being overly dramatic and that plans change but this happens all the time so I don't think I am, or am I ?!

I don't know why this occasion has upset me so much as I have learnt to set expectations low. I think its just the complete lack of an apology or accountability for messing up our plans, how unbothered they are that we are not spending time together and how they are making me feel like I am the one being difficult by blanking me. I'm starting to question if I imagined the whole conversation with my mum about dates and maybe it wasn't an agreed date, although I'm sure it was because I never put things in the diary unless its definite, so i'm also annoyed that they are making me feel like I'm imagining things! I don't know what to do moving forward with my mum as I know that in order for things to return to normal I'll have to be the first to message and just pretend everything is fine.

What would you do? Thanks in advance for any advicex

Tbh I think you are in the right but are in a lose/lose situation as your Mum is enabling your sisters behaviour. This is most likely due to being in denial but also her thinking she is doing the right thing when in fact continually excusing your sisters behaviour will only make things worse. Time is the most valuable thing in the world and to have someone continually disrespect it and not value it is upsetting. Personally I never give my time to anyone who doesn't value it as much as I would theirs. We all change as we grow up, and hopefully for the better. Your sisters illness will massively affect her behaviour, I can say this from personal experience with alcoholism. Ask yourself if your children where being treated like this by someone in the family would you tell them to put up with it just because they are blood. I suspect you wouldn't. If your relationship with your Mum and sister is one you would like to keep all you can do is let them know how they are making you feel, if they want to listen then great, but if they don't want to or won't even consider how they are making you feel then it might be best to start distancing yourself. Sometimes people grow apart and that's ok, stop trying to fit yourself into their way of life as it's never going to fit. You will always feel invisible otherwise

Many thanks for taking the time to reply, I appreciate your advice and you are completely right when you say time is valuable. I do feel this keeps dragging me down and as you say its not something I will be able to change.

No problem atall, you deserve a happy life and now you just need to do what you can to have one. Think of yourself as a battery, and everyone you have in your life as someone who kind of plugs into you. Now if there are people who drain your energy that isn't good for your battery. To live the best life have people around who don't take any energy from you or add some to it. The odd drain on it is fine as you can pick yourself back up if its for the right reason. But if someone only ever takes from you and never gives that isn't sustainable

Practically speaking, if you want to keep her in your life, I would draw up a set of firm boundaries - i.e. I'd literally write them down (not to show her, just to get my own thinking straight). Maybe your partner or a level headed friend could help you go through things and sense check them etc. For example, you might decide:

• no plans communicated via your mum - you need to hear it directly from sister
• meals in pubs or cafes, not at your home - so you don't buy loads of food in that goes to waste
• no direct communication between them and the children without you there - so they can't get their hopes up and let them down

Etc. Good luck!

I’m sorry op, but your family are never going to be the people you want/deserve. Your sister has problems and your mum enables her. The only behaviour you can control is your own. You know this really. I’d defo distance myself a bit, and be less available, and less caring in general. If it was me, I’d have it out with my mum rather than paper over the cracks, I’d be getting very pissed off by now that she seems to continually support one daughter over the other. However you may not be in that place yet, it’s up to you. If you choose to keep just pretending everything is fine that is ok too of course, but know nothing will likely ever change.