To be not coping with endless friendship dramas?

[Avaximitis]

Or do I need to toughen up??
DC's friendship dramas I'm talking about, not mine.
I've had years of it.
DS's started in year 5, went on throughout year 5 and 6, really bad in year 7, settled down in year 8 but have all started up again in year 9 which he's in now.
DD's started towards end of year 6 and now she's in year 7 oh my lord it's racked up!
It's been 5 years of them coming home upset about either difficult friendship dynamics or other kids being outright mean.
They are both gentle, calm, sensitive people which has pros and cons. It means they're kind, considerate and thoughtful towards others, which they demonstrate all the time, but the flip side of that means they're highly sensitive in their reactions in response to the words/actions/behaviour of others.
They talk and talk to me about all of this. It's like they need to tell me, to help process it all, and then they ask me for my advice about what to do.
I have spent years supporting them, bolstering them and maintaining a rational, calm and level headed response to them whilst still providing a sympathetic ear when they talk to me about friendship problems or other kids being difficult or mean.
School is there to give them an education. It shouldn't be laced with all these friendship dynamic difficulties or coping with bullying behaviour from others.
DS said to me at the weekend "I think part of the problem of why I struggle with the social side of school is because I think I need to lower my expectations. I just expect other people to be nice, basically, and to treat others nicely. So when they're not nice, it throws me and I don't understand it. So maybe I need to stop expecting people to have good values about how they treat others and just start accepting that a lot of people at school aren't like this".
That's not a view I want DS to have of the world really. He should have high expectations of being treated nicely by others, shouldn't he? He's had so much shit to deal with from other kids it's untrue.
He used to have bright shining glowing happiness in his eyes all through his childhood. I've been watching that slowly fade and now I would say it's gone. He's the loveliest boy you could wish to meet.
And now it's starting to happen with DD too, who's equally absolutely lovely.
And I say this objectively, not just because I'm their mum.
Meanwhile I'm starting to feel burnt out by the level of emotional and talking support needed to help them navigate this.
I don't know what else to do. All my years of working hard to be the best mum I can be, a lifetime of pouring love, attention and dedication into them, always parenting calmly and positively, praising them, making them feel valued for who they are and cherished, hasn't actually resulted in either of them having happy tween or teenage years.

It sounds like they just haven’t found their tribe yet. Friendships should be fun, there’s always going to be a slight element of drama, they’re teenagers, drama is everywhere at that age, but for the most part it shouldn’t be making them so upset.
My only advice would be to take a step back a little. In some ways, although I get why they want your help, and why you want to give it, it’s not really teaching them to deal with their problems themselves if they’re constantly having to ask you for advice. Serious stuff or bullying, absolutely step in if you feel the need, but otherwise they need to learn to figure things out for themselves. And that’s probably avoiding those kids who are shitty and finding the nicer ones, because they will be out there.

I agree you can’t solve it for them. Just listen. It’s hard not to step in.

Some year groups and classes and friendship groups are frankly toxic. It’s bad luck. You just hope your child walks away and has the courage to seek out new friends.

I do think 'happy tween or teenage years' are a bit of a myth. I also think school education is very much about navigating other people and that's a good thing.

What they are learning is that they've got a steadfast support in you and that will turn into a steadfast support in themselves as they get older. I know it's exhausting and can leave you a quivering wreck (to be dramatic) but I really do believe that. Don't forget too that you see all the bad stuff and ups and downs and minutae of the struggle, but they experience it in among happy and neutral times, you just don't get to hear the detail of that.

Strength to you!

Yes, I had this too. It’s finally stopped now that she’s at college. It was hard because when she hurt, I hurt. It’s exhausting. As she got older I tried to separate myself from it emotionally and sort of hold faith that she would figure it out. I also encouraged her not to ruminate on everyone’s behaviour so much and that there will always be people that are dicks and not everyone’s behaviour is explainable, sometimes people just suck and especially at that age, they’re not thinking deeply, they’re just acting on impulse and it’s not always about her.