To think some parents do regret?

[RRRegrets]

I notice that on posts about unplanned pregnancies people often reassure the OP by saying “you won’t regret the children you have.” AIBU to think that’s not universally true, and that while it’s taboo to say, some parents probably do feel regret?

And in other news water is wet.

Of course some will and some won't 😳

I think it is quite hard to regret your actual child, although it obviously depends on circumstances.

I have two children and I do find it tough. I do keep having quite intrusive thoughts about how I wish I only had one: it’s hard to explain though as I never wish one didn’t exist. It’s more (for example) this morning my ds slept really late and I got ready quickly; dd then woke up and she just sat quietly waiting for me to take her to nursery. And this thought pops into my head ‘imagine if you only had her how easy it would be.’ It’s more about if I only had dd but that’s because I get more time with just her. I don’t want ds to disappear or dd but I do struggle with them both.

I don’t ever regret becoming a mum but I do sometimes miss my old life and I do look forward to gaining back some of what I’ve lost as the children grow and get more independent.

Of course they do. There's a whole subreddit dedicated to regretful parents and I'm sure it's not the only corner of the internet where people quietly regret the choice to have children and wish they could take it back.

Parenthood really isn't for everyone. The world would probably be a better place if more people were comfortable with that idea. The millions of adults now in therapy because of trauma inflicted on them by their parents is testament to that.

It definitely happens. My mother bitterly regretted having children (and she had a lot of them). It needs to be much less stigmatised for women not to want/have children; it’s better than it was for my mother’s generation, but the taboo is still there. Social pressure on women to be mothers = unwanted children, bad parenting and very unhappy families.

I don’t think we can blame social pressures. I do think very little children and raising them is romanticised and that can be a problem. You see it on here a lot ‘you’ll miss it, don’t wish this time away.’ It might be better if it was a bit more - yes, it is really gruelling and hard, but you will claw bits of you back and by the time they are four they are usually quite nice!’

Yes some parents regret having kids without a doubt. It is very much a taboo subject but for any number of reasons people come to realise it isn’t for them. The regretful parents subreddit is eye opening for those who think this isn’t a thing, some of the posters are suffering from a lack of support as well as a small number with post natal depression. However that’s not true in every case, many of these people have tried holding it all together after realising parenthood wasn’t for them and write when at their breaking point.

Rather than judge such people, we should empathise with them and encourage them to seek help and resources so a decent outcome can be achieved for all parties.

This isn’t even a debate.

Yes, some parents will regret it. Other parents won’t.

Some parents don’t really want kids and then find out it’s the most amazing thing they’ve ever done.

Some parents really want kids but when they have them, find it’s not what they expected.

Some parents have them and it’s everything they wanted.

I sort of fell into the first category - I was unsure, had one anyway, and it’s the best thing I’ve ever done. My biggest regret is leaving it so long to have one, so I had no time for the other four I’d like to have.

I agree with you.

Especially where it's a very young single pregnant woman with no support or one who is clearly struggling a lot financially or if the father is abusive.

When people say you won't regret and you be okay.....I do shake my head a bit.

I wouldn't want to bring a child in this world to suffer if I was in those circumstances.

There’s a Facebook page for regretful parents too. It does happen.

The thing is the idea that you will regret not having children has a much bigger traction.

Some parents yes, not necessarily the ones with unplanned pregnancies either. My mum often says she regrets having more than just the first one, funnily enough the first one was unplanned and the other 4 were planned.

I'd rather regret a lack of something than regret an actual living human being's existence 🤷‍♀️ Choosing to have kids out of FOMO is mental.

So she had four children each planned but regrets having each of them. Why not stop after the regret of the first planned one and whatever you feel as a parent why would you tell your children that you regret having four of them but not one of them. And say it often.

It’s just thats the time I see it being said when someone is pregnant, unplanned and usually not been with the father long. Posters will come along and say “you won’t regret having a child” and i just shake my head when I see that. I will check it out on Reddit that sounds interesting.

I think there is potential to regret any life changing decision. Including having a baby.
You can not say definitively you will not regret any decision you make.

I think lots of people equate "struggling with babies and toddlers" with "regret having kids". I hated the small kids phase, it was horrible. But I felt it was something I had to go through and now I have teenagers and love it. I wanted to have these people in my life and I'm happy they're here (even though I had 10 horrible years). Having kids is supposed to be something for the rest of your life.

I see it like this as well.

I do find toddlers really hard going. Dd isn’t actually too bad as toddlers go but still … the year I had with them when they were three and one is without doubt the worst of my life.

But we got through it and I’m slowly edging towards dd being a child not a toddler. I just hope them together eases off a bit.

I don’t think the majority of parents regret having their children. But because parenting, when done well, is very hard work 😓 if you were to ask parents if they lived their life again (knowing how hard parenting is - but knowing nothing of their current children) would they do it again, I would probably say almost 100% of them would say no, not on your nelly!

Yes, my gran did as well. Couldn't have been more obvious. Circumstances forced her at that time. She had 6 daughters one son. 3 of the daughters (growing up in a more permissive era, with the Pill) never had children and I'm sure that's no coincidence! Those who did are brilliant mums. The other three are wonderful aunties!

When I see things like this, I always wonder, Don't people read?
Sure. Some people regret their children, some people regret their abortions, some people regret having chosen to be childless.

Of course there is! We're sold a Disney version of children and families, even by those that clearly struggled. I also remember being told we'd die old & alone if we didn't have them. We're not told how restrictive it is and the 'village' is imaginary.

My DM admitted she shouldn't have had kids. She only did, really, because it was expected & bought her a lifetime of SAHM leisure. She did nothing for us except serve lumpy, dry, repetitive meals. There was no affection, no activities & no care for what happened to us. She still exclaims how 'she couldn't do it' and 'it's ridiculous' when she sees me working & taking kids to activities etc.

Yes, great post, me too although it was the other way around! I loved the baby, toddler and small child stage and let’s just say I am very pleased that the teen stage is over! 😁

Birth gives us a clue doesn’t it? Extreme agony and joy can co-exist!

And that sets the tone for the rest of life which is a struggle. But hard things are usually worthwhile things. Too much comfort without struggle is unfulfilling.

So although sure there are plenty of moments of parenthood that I don’t look back on with undiluted pleasure, overall the struggle has been more than worth it. My heart bursts with pride and delight when I see my young adult DDs now.

I say all that though from a privileged background of relative financial stability, a stable relationship, and reasonably good health. If any one of those things were different, my answer might be different.

Gosh it’s the other way round for me. Mine are teens and I’d take the baby and toddlers years over teens any day.

My DH said exactly the same thing and only she knows the answer to that as none of us will ask her as it isn't worth the drama that asking the question would cause.