to wish people would ask me questions about my children, rather than my mum?!

[justaskme]

I have a tricky relationship with my siblings. I'm the result of an affair and it feels like they've never forgiven me for it. We grew up in separate houses, with an age gap of 10-15 years, so very little in common and haven't spent a lot of time together overall. I feel I tried for years to be a good sibling in spite of the distance in age and geography once I left for uni (calling on birthdays, offering to babysit niblings when we lived closer to one another or when I was home, inviting them to things, organising get togethers) but after having therapy a few years ago to gain more self-confidence and better boundaries I've largely given up. Once I was brave enough to ask my sister about why she doesn't like me and she totally denied everything, said I was being ridiculous and of course she likes me, she's my sister. When I pressed further about the total lack of comms she breezily said 'ah just life innit'. I used to live closer to them in a city people like to visit and would often find out they'd travelled the 2-3 hours to have a day out there but not sought me out in any way. The dynamic feels toxic, and honestly nowadays I’d prefer we just acknowledged the reality and left each other alone.

The complication is my children. My siblings are very thoughtful towards them, but entirely via my mum. I’ll get texts from her like “X is asking what DS would like for his birthday” or “What size is DD now?” I reply directly to the sibling with the information and a gentle “you can always ask me or DH directly,” they say thanks, the gift arrives, we send a thank-you card or video and then nothing. This repeats around the children's birthdays and Christmas. Occasionally gifts just arrive with a “saw this and thought you might like it.” We now live over 6 hours away and they see the kids once a year at most. Then only if I organise something to bring everyone together. They do make the effort to attend if I organise say a Christmas lunch or something like that, as long as mum will be there. It's really baffling to me.

But I hate it. I feel obliged to be courteous on behalf of my children, yet every message via my mum reinforces that they want a relationship with the kids but not with me. When I first became a parent I tried again to reach out, thinking the gifts might be an olive branch, but nothing changed.

I did tell my mum how upsetting this is. Once I even said I didn't want her sharing any details about my life with anyone and if they want to know something they need to ask me. But soon felt awful for putting her in the middle. She also couldn't stick to it, it started out as 'I know you want them to message you but we were just on the phone and it came up so is there anything I can say x wants for his birthday?'. She says she’s tried to ask why they behave like this, but they either don’t respond or change the subject, which is absolutely how they handle something they don't want to deal with. Just ignore it and hope it goes away.

Feel like I need to make peace with something which is basically out of my control, but struggling to not find it all very upsetting and strange.

I actually feel it is very normal to communicate quite a lot via your Mum.

When my Mum was still alive, we all tended to keep in touch with her fairly regularly, and she would pass news on to each of the other siblings (unless any of us asked not to re personal things).
We only really started communicating directly, more regularly after she had died.

We are all close in age and grew up together with no other dynamics going on.

It sounds like - given the fact you didn't grow up together plus you live so far away, - they are generous and kind in remembering your dcs' birthdays and go to the trouble to make sure they get the sixe right and so forth.

My siblings and I communicate through my dm and we’re full siblings.

I think your knowing you’re the result of an affair is skewing your viewpoint maybe? Who had the affair? What happened in the aftermath(did the affair partners get together I mean?)

It sounds like this is maybe more to do with the age gap? Do your siblings have close relationships with one another?

I guess if they gree up together it’s a totally different dynamic,

I would just take what pleases you from your relationship with them and work on yourself (as in, you are not in some way inferior bc you’re the result of an affair - don’t let that define you).

Im not very close to my dsis and it makes me sad - it’s not just a thing in families with complicated stories.

Thanks for the responses, and sorry @RecordBreakers for your loss.

Seems perhaps I'm being over sensitive to it. Just all came up again this week as we've had another birthday and Christmas. Mum got a text complaining that our thank you wasn't specific enough about different gifts (we sent a video of people opening things) so could I please text the sibling to say whether or not we liked our specific individual gifts. Riled me up yesterday. Seems crazy to me that they can't just shoot over a 'hey did you like the x?'. I've lived with a fair few friends and in house shares over the years with people who are close/r with their siblings, and have DH as a reference, so thought it was far more normal for siblings to talk directly and maybe even regularly, make plans to hang out, answer text messages and that sort of thing. Around where I live now everyone seems to hang out way more with their family than anything else. Think I'm sad for what I wish it could be, but need to accept it's not going to happen.

Sadly @Dollyfloss with the affair I know that's a cause of contention, it's been said to me directly and indirectly in the past. One parent left an established family and had me, so I grew up in a household with two parents and any success I've had has been put down to that. I'm the only one with a degree for example and that's because I didn't come from a broken home. Nothing to do with by the time I finished school we were in the big Tony Blair 'education education education' push and it felt like everyone was going to uni! I was having a tough time with DH at some point and was told I wasn't really in a position to be complaining about my relationship given that I'm the only one who isn't divorced after having such great marital role models growing up. Siblings are close yup, they're also half siblings, 5 years apart. They speak on the phone and moved closer together so now they hang out regularly. They went on holiday together last year.

I don't hold any guilt over something that I had zero control over and think the fact that 45 years on they're still bringing it up is decidedly a them issue. Am content with my life, which is kinda why I wish this would all just go away. But no denying it's a factor and didn't want to drip feed.

Well in that case they sound like a bunch of arseholes and I’m not sure why you’d even want them in your life?

It was your dm who had the affair then? In that case I can see how their mother abandoning them would be very traumatic and throw up difficult feelings about the new half sibling. However, their anger should sit squarely with your dm, not you. Why does she get a free pass?

Is your dm a bit of a shit stirrer maybe, passing all these messages back and forth that she knows will annoy you?

It sounds like quite a toxic family dynamic.

I think you simply need to accept that you aren’t close. You seem to be trying to force a relationship that isn’t there. Not all siblings are close. It seems like they aren’t particularly close to you, but they are trying to show kindness to your dc, which is fine. 🤷🏻‍♀️

For context, I’m the child of my dad’s second marriage (not an affair) and there is a 15 year age gap between my brother and I. I last spoke to him over 20 years ago. I only vaguely know where he is from Facebook. He doesn’t even know I have children and I’m sure I speak for both of us in saying we have no desire to ever be in touch. Nothing necessarily wrong with him, but we don’t have a relationship and that’s perfectly okay.

What I would just ask of your mum is that she doesn’t contact you saying, Bonny wants to know what the kids want for Christmas? I’d ask her to simply pass on some ideas or ask in a general way, what do the kids want for Christmas? So it isn’t a constant hammering away for information to pass along to your sibling. She could do it in a kinder, more discreet way if she wishes to be a go between.

@Dollyfloss I always coveted a sibling relationship like I see others having, that was my motivation for ages. I figured if I was nice/helpful enough they'd see me for me not the way I was born and we'd start to get along. However I did realise/accept it wasn't going to happen after therapy and started having better boundaries/distance. Felt easier to have no relationship at all rather than something one sided or forced. Then the kids came along and all this started and it just feels so weird to me.

I wish I could answer the DM question. She's absolutely the matriarch, but I don't know how it would benefit her to be stirring the pot. I think I'm usually the one who will do things for a quiet life, so perhaps she knows that she can trust me to be reasonable and not put her in a difficult position most of the time. When I asked her not to do it anymore it seemed like it genuinely upset her that she was then in a position where she had to upset someone. But then the comments here have made me realise it could be being handled much better. I'd agree it feels toxic, and really don't want my children involved in it. DH is from such a tight knit, drama free family, would rather have our eggs in that basket!

@mindutopia I reached the point of being okay with not being close, and preferring the idea of no relationship at all. But this weird half limbo thing is uncomfortable. This thread has made me realise there might be a better way to handle it with mum, so thank you for that suggestion. Will give it a go. Maybe we should switch to thank you cards, then wouldn't have to message them directly at all. The main thing I want is just to stop caring about it so much, and judging things off of my values when others evidently don't share them. But haven't learned how to do that yet!!

They are absolute bell ends. I'm not suprised you feel horrid about it. Also sorry but if this is a result of your mum's affair, she can bloody deal with the continued fallout rather than pushing it on you! Why is it bad she feels uncomfortable but fine that you feel shit?

If you can, I would be very direct about this. Dear sis, I hear from mum you wanted more specific feedback about your gifts. It is very painful to get these messages through mum all the time. If you would like to know, please ask me directly. If having to do so means no more gifts that's fine. I am always up for direct contact with you but I will be ignoring messages sent from mum from now on.

I'm angry on your behalf!!

The main thing I want is just to stop caring about it so much, and judging things off of my values when others evidently don't share them. But haven't learned how to do that yet!!

I understand. It seems you feel like an only child and have craved those sibling relationships and you are being constantly rebuffed. It must be a really difficult situation. But then from what you’ve said, your siblings grew up without your mum around? Or had they already left home? They must have some anger towards her in that case, and you are getting the residual backlash as they see you as the one who got mum “all to herself” perhaps?

Ultimately you can’t force a relationship with people and I think I’d ask your dm to just not tell you things. I find it telling you describe her as the “matriarch” - even though she abandoned your siblings. Do they feel this way?

You are feeling left out and that’s understandable but this is very common in broken families where one parent goes on to have other children. The fact they sound quite nasty though makes me wonder why you keep pushing for a relationship with them - your therapist would probably say it’s a type of self flagellation! You have nothing to feel bad about - nothing. This is all on them and the result of your DM’s infidelity.

Yes they grew up without her, but have all lived close to her as soon as they reached adulthood. Mum's moved a few times and they always follow within a few years. So yes, I'd say they see her the same. Her phone is constantly ringing with either a child or grandchild! She's often up and down the country visiting them, or having them visit her.

Strangely DM has recently moved closer to me, so I wonder if we'll all end up in the same geographical area in the next decade. Definitely hit the nail in the head with the residual backlash.

I did stop pushing when I met DH and had the therapy, then had the kids and thought they were reaching out with olive branches so tried again for a bit, but largely gave up again. That was about 5 years ago. Or perhaps you mean because I respond to them when they're just using mum as a go between. Honestly I think I'm being stubborn. Feels rude and off and it irks me.

Maybe I should fish out the therapists number, been a few years but seems there's a bit left to unpick!

Thanks @Poppingby. Haven't been that direct before, have only done the 'hey I hear from mum you're looking for info on x, you can always ask me directly!'. Last time I did that was only in December. Didn't get a reply. Just now occurred to me though that perhaps mum is now passing them on more since I said I wished she wasn't a go between, so maybe she's sending them to me to be transparent about it. Perhaps I'll have a chat with her and say it's fine and I'm going to stop trying to control it, can then slip in to just answer and not send it on to me.

Look, OP, it's your own expectations that are upsetting you here. You can do nothing about how other people behave, or how they understand family dynamics. You need to come to terms with your own disappointment that your half-siblings don't want a relationship with you, but want to give your children presents.

@AndMilesToGo that's sort of the point of the thread tbh - want to make peace with something which is basically out of my control, but struggling.