14 year old son a loner.

[HazelSnake]

14 year old son has no friends seems to have some in school and more than happy going into school he dosent seem to have any worries or see any issues.
He does football and MMA plus goes gym he’s very active but everything is on his own.
Every weekend, school holiday it’s draining thinking of activities as he dosent want to be seen with his parents locally plus his sister (she needs entertaining too age 9) so we tend to do days out in car but it’s getting harder and harder.
I don’t think there is any additional needs he’s pleasant and chatty loved by wider family.
Seems to have a low tolerance for kids hanging round vaping etc.
I just don’t know what to do for the best things are going to get harder to keep him occupied as he’s getting older and bigger, I can’t see at this stage him making any additional friends in school most networks are made, do i just hope when he gets to college in the future he finds people similar to him.
Can anyone reassure me this can be normal it’s sad when i see kids out his age or hear of friends and families boys out and about.
Just to add he has had odd days out with a few friends but then he never gets asked again or is it him being intolerable towards them same with xbox went through a stage then says he dosent like the games people play.
wish i could wave a magic wand and make him loosen up and see past things, we have tried the talks to see if anything is wrong but literally he is confident in saying there’s no issues.

How does he feel about it all? Is he lonely?
He's doing football, gym, MMA etc., so he's likely to be meeting people, but possibly just doesn't like them and would rather be on his own. He's only 14, maybe his future 'group' just haven't found each other yet. I'm a secondary teacher and friendship groups change and resettle constantly as teenagers start discovering their own identity, so he's still very likely to find people as time goes by.

Hi OP if it’s any consolation I was a loner aged 13 but had excelled that way because my mother had been abusive towards me and I was an only child so had to shoulder difficult domestic situations on my own.

However my mum just before I was 14 coerced me harshly make friends - I don’t know if this was a symptom of her abuse

i wish she’d just left me alone to be a loner if I’d wanted to be - as an adult I feel we’re not friends in later life with people we went to school with anyway

If he is happy to be a loner as you say, then there is nothing for it. It is ok to not be very social, some people are like that.
The only time it becomes an issue is if and when he is not happy about it.
So if he is comfortable in his skin, leave him to it.
If it becomes an issue for him and he would like be different, then you navigate it as he goes along.

As long as he’s not lonely then there’s nothing to worry about. His social battery is probably empty from the time spent with others at school, then MMA and football and prefers downtime at home rather than just hanging out outside or over someone’s house. My son will only go out with friends if they’ll be doing something fun, like Go-Ape etc… the rest of the time he sees them at school, rugby and MMA. He’s happy and likes his own space and family time too.

He probably has more friends than you think, if he doesn’t want to be seen out with you all.

Let him be himself.

If he's confident and happy that's the main thing. Have you spoken to his form tutor just to check he is okay at school, if he has a group to eat lunch with/spend break with etc?

This is my worry-there are kids out there with needs but not SEN and are not getting any support. It's like they're just getting ignored because they're not disruptive. I was the same at that age v shy and withdrawn and did most things on my own, I can't say I got any better as I grew older tbh, sorry! I was very depressed though which sounds like isn't an issue for your son. Wish I'd got some support but it isn't out there unless you're on the spectrum sadly.

He sounds like he needs to be in clubs or teams. Somewhere the social bit is taken care of for him and he can just be there and enjoy. That’s enough dor some people.

I have a similar child and tbh I am thankful that they are happy in their own company. Too many of us spend too long worrying about what others think and it can eat away at you. Especially as a teenager. It’s not all bad!

You can't play football on your own. I think he sounds fine, he will be interacting at football, MMA and school and possibly a bit at the gym. Some people just don't need to constantly be around others. Is he happy with his current situation. Have you asked him if he wants to invite anyone over in the holidays or meet up with them in town etc? If you have offered and he has declined but is happy with his current level of interaction I would leave him be.

I actually think he sounds fairly normal.

One of my sons is like this. Very self contained, very self motivated, gym, sports, but perfectly happy in his own company.

As he’s got older (he’s a bit older than yours) he goes to a few parties. People seem to like him - or at least some do, anyway. He’s just very independent minded, & once expressed interest in a career being a fire spotter in Canada, where he would spend all his time alone in a forest looking at birds.

I would avoid suggesting to your son that he is weird or somehow failing for being more solitary than most - that would be very destructive. He may just be content in himself - which is really a good thing.

Exactly. We put way too much pressure on young people to go out and ‘have fun’, as if all young people are the same. I hated being young because people wouldn’t leave me the f-k alone. I was always being asked what I did at the weekend. My brother was just like that OP. He was perfectly happy at home reading, watching films, daydreaming, etc. He was, and still is, an introvert with a rich inner life. He just doesn’t need a lot of social interaction. Funny thing is, he’s highly empathetic, very witty, and on his day a brilliant conversationalist.

I wish people would wake up to the fact that we’re not all the same.

• Some people aren’t bothered about sex
• Some people don’t like hot sunshine and beaches
• Some people can’t imagine anything worse than a hectic social life with a big group of friends
• Some people don’t want kids
• Some people are introverts and have such rich inner lives they don’t need constant stimulation
• Some people don’t like travelling
• Some people don’t like alcohol

Different opinion here, but I do think you need to ensure that he is engaged with people and isn't lonely because loneliness is a precursor to being radicalised for boys especially incel culture.

Would he do scouts or something?

If he’s in a football team does he not communicate with them outside of football? My son will literally get back from football and get online played fifa with the lads from his team

Calling him a loner is giving him a label which is not helpful. It might be more honest to reflect on how you feel about things. Would say you yourself are anxious about the thought he doesn’t have friends?

Quite! The word 'loner' has very negative connotations and implies awkwardness, oddness and a host of other incorrect assumptions - 'solitary' or 'self sufficient' would be much better descriptors. And @Dappy777 nailed it! Many of us are living a very happy and fulfilling life as we are and don't need or want to be changed into what others think we 'should' be.