AIBU for not going to my MILs 50th night out?

[HenriettaGoose]

AIBU for not going on my MILs 50th night out 5 months post-partum?

Hello ! This is my first time posting in Mumsnet so I’m not 100% with all the abbreviations- sorry!

I am a first time Mum and my baby has just turned 5 months old (exclusively breast fed). It is my MILs 50th birthday and she has a night out planned.

When we we’re originally buying the tickets a few months ago I had been quite optimistic and thought I would be able to go. However, my baby girl can be quite fussy at bed time and isn’t a great sleeper. When she wakes more often than not I feed her back to sleep and she goes back down quite quickly. I appreciate that some people might think that is a bad habit to get into and perhaps it is but it is working for us at the moment.

My husband and I had agreed we would see how she was sleeping nearer the time and a few weeks ago I said I don’t think I should leave her and he seemed to agree. My own Mum ,who would be watching her, was also a bit worried it might be distressing for baby as well.

My MIL did not BF her babies and I think her own parents looked after the kids quite a lot from a young age. I am worried that she is offended that I am not going and to be honest I do feel quite guilty about it. Having said that the thought of being away from my baby when she is crying for me breaks my heart. I have never been away from her and I just feel she is too little. Maybe that is FTM anxiety but I can’t help how I feel.

I will be able to go to a family dinner the following day and potentially a girls night out the following week (partner and baby going to stay at the hotel we are in).

I suppose what I am asking is…it unreasonable for me to put my baby’s comfort 1st (I suppose mines as well) even when it is such a big birthday?

God no. I wouldn’t if I felt like you. I had a 40th around the same time and I was so close to not going as my baby wouldn’t take a bottle, then the day before he decided to so I went for a couple of hours. I wouldn’t have felt bad if I didn’t go tho if he didn’t take the bottle. You follow your instincts. She’s a grown up, if she doesn’t understand then that’s on her

Absolutely you should put you and your baby first. Those trying to tell you how to parent your child should really mind their own business . It is good that you have your husband’s support and hopefully he can be the one to explain to her.

If she complains just smile sweetly and don’t respond.

If you and your baby aren’t ready, then you aren’t ready. Too many people rush mothers into separating as early as possible, as if there is some inherent virtue in being happy to leave a tiny baby. Your MIL is an adult and will have plenty of other people to celebrate her at the party, if she’s a decent grandparent she will understand that it’s not a big deal or a rejection of her for you to prioritise your baby and the breastfeeding relationship at this stage. And if she doesn’t…well, hard cheese!

No I’d didn’t go anywhere for nights out at that age. I could have popped out for maybe 2 hours absolute max and rushed back! Just go to the daytime thing the next day. I remember once getting a call from DH saying I had to come back when I attempted to go for a meal as she was screaming the place down. It was just easier to wait til they got older. 5 months is tiny and cluster feeding usually in the evenings

Baby comes first. Anyone who can’t understand that isn’t worth giving a second thought in my opinion.

How much celebration does this woman need? If you are already going to a family dinner and some girls night out, too? Or is the girls night out not for the MIL? Regardless, you are already doing the family dinner, and that is more appropriate anyway. Just do that.

If she’s exclusively bf, won’t take a bottle and you haven’t started weaning yet then you’ve not really got any choice in the matter.

Bless you. You sound kind in thinking about how your choices may impact others. However, I wish I'd been bolder in deciding how best i spent my time when my kids were little. I'd suggest communicate early and clearly that you can't right now. To honour the birthday you could suggest meeting up more intimately to extend the celebrations even further... and wish her a happy time. By the age of 50, I'd hope you'd accept this readily, but guess what, if she doesn't, that's really her issue to work through and not yours.