Advice needed

[Drizzle06]

Hi,

This is my first ever mumsnet post, and a long one at that! I guess I am just after opinions to know if I am being unreasonable or if this is a bigger problem.

I am a mum of two, paramedic, my children are 20months and 4 years. I am married, currently debatable if thats happily right now. We have on going disagreements about my job and the "inconvenience" it causes my husband.

I work 2 x 12 hour late shifts a week, and 1 sunday layer 12 hour shift every other week. This allows me to do every school run/nursery drop off and have 4/5 days off a week with my children and still come out with a good wage. I LOVE my job and worked hard to get here. My husband has a well paid senior level job monday to Friday.
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Basically my husband has to pick the children up twice a week from after school club/nursery, walk the dog (despite having a dog walker on his days), give them dinner/snacks, which i have usually pre made before work and put them to bed. And have them two sundays a month from around mid to late morning in which hes usually invited round to family for dinner! This is where the issues lie. My youngest can be very over stimulated after a full day at nursery and behaves, well feral. Clearly over stimulated/overtired. At this point I get a baracade of messages about this whilst at work pretty much every shift saying how it is too much and how he basically cannot cope and I should quit by job. He has previously made comments on how my job isnt suitable for a mother and comments on how I dont understand because I dont have to do bedtime alone (which is far from the trust because I do bedtime every night when at home whilst he walks the dog!!!)

I obviously find this upsetting and distracting whilst at work. I feel I put so many things in place to make these couple of hours easier for him, like dinner prep and a clean house, yet I am still made to feel guilty for having a good job.

I guess I am after validation/confirmation that I am actually not inconveniencing him and we actually have a good set up. Or I could be completely wrong and biased?

We are justbgoing round in circles and I am at my wits end with it all!

YANBU and I know several paramedics who make it work.

Does your DH see parenting as something that would be 100% your responsibility, because that’s how it comes across and that’s the issue rather than your job.

Possibly, he is a really good dad for the most part. But seems to be when it suits. His mood dictates the whole house. He can really make us feel like an inconvenience at times, like hes the busiest/most stressed. He admits he can be be very selfish at times, but then other times unbelievably kind. Its very mood dependant.

He is being ridiculous. He is their father, and he is behaving like he’s your oldest child who has been unfairly burdened with babysitting. I would be fairly blunt with him I’m afraid - he can either grow up and accept that having had children, he is now required to do some parenting, or he can fuck off, in which case the maintenance he pays you can go towards extra childcare. You are not giving up your job any more than he is giving up his, and if he can’t stop bombarding you with helpless whining while you are at work, you will change your number and not give him the new one. Twat.

His behaviour is unacceptable!

Kids are difficult and as parents we just have to get on with it and struggle through. Once both are at school things get easier - just tell him that!

Do not leave the job you love. Being a SAHM doesn’t suit everybody and if it’s not what you want to be, you’ll lose your identity and resent your husband for it (for eternity!).

Ask him to only call in an emergency. And grow a pair!

I'd turn my phone off. Tell him to phone work if he needs you in an emergency.

I have put my phone on aeroplane mode many times, but this is easier said than done when you know your children are unsettled with someone who is telling you its too hard! I text his family group tonight asking someone to go round to help. But then I got private message of "stop involving people".

I have put my phone on aeroplane mode many times, but this is easier said than done when you know your children are unsettled with someone who is telling you its too hard! I text his family group tonight asking someone to go round to help. But then I got private message of "stop involving people".

Absolutely this

weaponised incompetence at its actual finest

He's not being fair. You have a very important and demanding job and he's not left 24/7 looking after your children. Parenting is hard. He needs to step up his game and deal with this. It's not acceptable.

Not surprised you got the 'Stop involving people' message OP, he wants to look like the world's most amazing Dad, and by involving other people, they can see that he's not.

Like others, I think you should tell him to grow the fuck up, you are doing a VERY responsible job, he might think he's Lord High Mucka Muck at work, but YOUR job is MUCH MORE IMPORTANT, and you obviously love it, and are presumably good at it. Tell him that he had a choice about whether to impregnate you, but once he chose to ride bare back, he took on the responsibility of being 50% responsible for any children he helped make, so it's time for him to stop whinging, and do his bit!

Ask him to stop-involving you when he’s in charge of the kids! Or you’ll have to send round others to help him! His choice!

Your DH is really aggravating me!

Believe me, he aggravates me too! But Im just at the point where I couldnt decipher if I was being bias towards myself. I fully appreciate it is hard after a long day of work to parent, especially if they are on one, but thats parenting!

No man would quit his job, or be expected to, because a woman finds doing bed time stressful. It sounds like he has it very easy compared to other parents of young children. I think you're making it too easy for him, doing all the prep for him looking after his own DC and doing the cleaning is playing into his narrative about parenting being the mothers job. Keep doing the job you love and tell him to get a grip.

Absolutely hits the nail on the head. Perfect response. 💯

If i was you I would stop doing all the prep for him. Why are you making your life more difficult? Part of parenting is sorting snacks, dinner and housework. Tell him to take himself away for a couple of minutes if they are winding him up so he can deal with them with a clear head. I would suggest that if he is finding balancing work and family life that he gives up work and you will go full time. It's not you that is finding it difficult.

So who does he winge to at work when it all gets too hard for him.?
Does a grown up (woman) come along and fix it for him?
Or is it only at home .. ie. being a parent flummox him?
Poor wee man, life's a bitch eh?

This is what he signed up for when he, presumably, agreed to have kids.