My husband and I separated in September after an argument where our toddler was crying and I needed some support with putting her to sleep
whilst trying to juggle other things whilst he was watching F1. It led to a disagreement and he walked out and went to his parents house. He then came back with a suitcase and left.
Just for some context, he has ADHD and autism which he wasn’t aware he had until we got married and I pointed it out to him. He was in denial for a while until we went to the doctors. The first 2.5 years of our marriage were hard. He really struggled with being a husband and a son at the same time. He wouldn’t sit next to me when we’d be around his family (we lived with them for 2.5 years) and he’d run every decision via them including how and when I’d see my own family (who live five hours away).
His parents started to show what I’d call controlling behaviour towards me and I tried to point all the above our to him and he was in denial. We’d had a few arguments at the start and I’d say I want to leave because I was unhappy. He’d feel upset that I wanted to give up on our marriage. Fast forward about 1.5 years he started to see his parents control himself eventually and wanted us both to move out. He developed an understanding our their infliwnce on our marriage and realised how much he’d been controlled his whole life (in his own words). We started planning the move but I unexpectedly fell pregnant. Regardless when I was 7 months pregnant we moved out.
We had our daughter and I thought maybe things with my in laws would change as we now had a baby and didn’t live under their roof. Nope, they still continued trying to tell us how often we should go to their house, and that we had to go over when extended family came over despite having a newborn with a dairy allergy who’d cry all the time. They didn’t respect boundaries and would often just turn up, one time even waking my daughter from her sleep at night because they decides they wanted to see her. After she woke and started crying they left. I mentioned she has a routine and we don want visitors after x time and my mother in law told me I shouldn’t focus on routines like that as I’m setting myself up.
For the most part living in our own house was enjoyable. But the issue was my husband always low level guilt in the background in regards to moving out and choosing his wife. He’s justifyhis decision when they’d try and control him and he even went no contact for months. They’d hardly make an effort with our daughter. Only if we did what they wanted and if it was in front of extended family.
My ex husband struggles with money management and has a lottt of debt. We had a lot of disagreements due to his finances as he worked self employed for Uber but lacked the drive to pay off his debt and manage his finances. I supported him as much as I could but eventually pulled back the financial support as I couldn’t do it anymore. During this time his parents started to guilt trip him again and he started to feel guilt towards them.
We started having more disagreements during this time and I said I. Oils me continue of things didn’t change and he said I’ve always just wanted to leave from the start of the marriage (he’s referring to when I’d say I can’t live with his family anymore due to their behaviour) and he said he felt like an idiot for fighting for us for four years when I want to always leave and that he left his parents house to make me happy and that I still wasn’t happy.
Aftwe the argument asking him to step up financially and as a father whilst he was just sat watching F1 he walked out and came back with a suitcase and left.
Ww’ew currently coparenting but I feel guilty. Like I asked for too much? Or I was unreasonable in asking for more support?
His parents tried to control what I wore, how often I saw my family, my finances, my WhatsApp settings, how much I’d sit in my room when I lived with them, why we didn’t try for a child when his dad wanted us to, they tried to control who I spoke to from their own extended family. They’d try to control what my husband and I spoke about, his dad would ask why I always wear red nail polish and that I should wear other colours too. My husband was told we can’t have our own car and that he has to share with his mum despite the fact that I was now pregnant and we needed our own car.
When I’d get unwell (pregnancy or non pregnancy) I’d be told I’m lying and be told that my husband can’t bring me a drink upstairs because that’s not what their men do.
o feel guilty that I can’t give my daughter a two parent household. I thought is moving out would fix a lot of the issues and apart from the finances we got on well unless his family guilt tripped him. We were like best friends, always laughing and joking together, had similar interests etc
We come from the Asian culture where unmeshment is common and to my husband who once saw all the above as controlling he now says they only tried to guide and help us.