My husband shouts/swears/storms out whenever something upsets me

[Losingagain]

My husband is generally a good husband.

However over the years his anger has become a lot worse. When we first married I knew he had anger issues from his teen years because he told me about them, involving smashing stuff up and punching walls. He said being in the army helped him with this anger.

over The past maybe 18 months he has done stuff which I feel is just not ok to do when an issue is raised. He shouts, swears, moves to the sofa out of bed, threatens to shout louder etc. over what I think are not big issues.

some examples:

1. i brought up the fact that he has spent most of his wages on a hobby and was left short to pay our mortgage (we pay half) - met with shouting “well I’m just a shit husband then aren’t I” / “you earn more than me, you pay it” and pulling down books from a shelf
2. i was expected on holiday to his home country to stay up until 5am playing poker with all male friends. I didn’t want to do this. He continued to do it for the 3 weeks we were there. I said it would be nice to do a date night - met with breaking his laptop, calling me controlling, shouting at me “you really don’t want to push this, I can get much much louder”, packing up our things in a case and saying “well if you feel like you’re not safe here let’s go to hotel
3. telling him I felt distant from him as he was spending a lot of time in the evenings on his hobby and then expecting sex - met with calling me controlling again, saying he is a free man and can do what he wants, saying I need to get out and do a hobby (which I do anyway) and shouting at me to “fuck off, always fucking talking, fuck you”
4. i was vomiting in the bathroom one morning and he came in and asked me a question I didn’t hear. He slammed the door. A few days later he asked me why I didn’t answer and that I basically said “fuck off” to him by not replying and I was “milking” being unwell

he’s pulled the duvet cover off me when I’ve been lying down, shouting over me as I was lying down. He laughs when I ask him to stop shouting. He says I’m condescending and act like I’m an angel and he’s the devil.

it sounds awful written down, it is awful. But it’s only about 10% of the time. Which is a lot I know. When things are good he’s funny, caring and like my best friend. When things are bad I cry alone in the bathroom.

I’ve stopped mentioning anything now. I just let him get on with what he wants to do because I can’t cope with the fallout.

I need a plan on what to do and how to do it. I feel sad nearly all the time, walking on eggshells. I just feel like I’m a burden

OP, you married not knowing this because that is how he wanted it. Please please listen to all the wise posters here and get out while you can. You can’t fix him or save him and not is it your job to. Go to the solicitors. Get free and live the one life you have without walking on egg shells. It will get worse.

How long will it be before the shouting becomes giving you a slap, or a push OP? I can tell you, it WILL happen, if it hasn't already. Please don't feel ashamed or stupid, or any of the other silly things that we women tend to tell ourselves, NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT!!

I say again - NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT!!

Please do as other posters are suggesting, see a solicitor as a matter of urgency. Start spiriting away, or copying any important papers that you may need, leave them somewhere safe at work if you don't have anywhere else.

Do what a friend of mine did, pack up some of your clothes into a couple of carrier bags, and if he asks what you're doing, say you're taking them to the charity shop, you could even ask him if he has anything he wants to get rid of, if he appears suspicious, and then leave them with a friend, or again at work if necessary.

This way, if the worst happens and you have to flea in a hurry, you will at least have more than the clothes you stand up in.

Finally, please DON'T PUT IT OFF! He's shown you what sort of man he is, so don't waste any more of your life on him, HE IS NOT THE ONE FOR YOU!!

You must leave this abuser at the earliest possible opportunity or the rest of your life will be a misery.

He's being abusive. I do know some men (quite a lot I think) find any display of negative emotion from women like crying or being otherwise upset as some kind of emotional manipulation which is misogynistic and sexist in itself as if women aren't ever experiencing their own emotions for their own reasons. Its dehumanising as it makes everything a woman experiences about a man.

In this case OP he's not only being a misogynist but also abusive.

I hope you can call Womens Aid or your Local Domestic Abuse agency (but do it safely, delete the record, call from work, something like that). His anger is not getting worse - he has just decided that it is ok to take it out on you.

It is a common pattern that abused partners think to themselves that “he isn’t that bad”, that “he is only angry occasionally” and that “he is normally a nice person” but it’s that 1 or 10% that colours everything. You need to safely get away from this man. Do not have children with him or your entire life will be tainted with this. Most women who are abused or even killed are victims of their own partners.

I'm sorry love, he is a brute. Not a good husband, not a good man, and he will escalate. Please allow friends and family to help you end this relationship.

Leave leave leave.

These things get worse.

OP, there’s been a lot of excellent advice here already so I’m only echoing what others have said.
Please get legal advice, have a safety net ready straight away. If you are at home and your husband gets angry and abusive then you must be very aware of your personal safety and get out of the house.
I saw a YouTube video the other day which had a brilliant idea which I wished I had known of many years ago. A young lady was going through an abusive relationship and an argument had started. She rang 999 and when the call was answered she said she wanted to order takeout food for delivery. The police dispatcher recognised what she meant and to cut a long story short she gave her address as the fake food delivery address and the police quickly arrived.
You’ve done the right thing in asking for advice on here OP, please take care of yourself and be safe. From what you have said it sounds like your husband’s behaviour is escalating so you must develop an escape plan.

I read a really good article about emotional abuse when I was in a bad relationship. It described it as being in a box, and every time you touch the sides the box gives you a shock. So you make yourself smaller to try not to touch the sides… but the box gets smaller. So you squeeze yourself up into a ball, hoping that if you just don’t do this or don’t do that, the box won’t go off.

But here’s the thing - no matter how small you make yourself the box always gets smaller.

You need to leave. And you need to leave safely. Involve friends/relatives and anyone else who can help.

He's perfectly capable of controlling his temper - he is CHOOSING to use aggression to frighten and control you. He is doing it on purpose. I don't care how nice he is other times (when he's getting his own way) the fact is he is abusive.

You need to leave. Get legal advice and make a plan. Your friends and your parents would not want you to stay in this relationship if they knew what he is doing. Get help and support from the people who love you.

"My husband is generally a good husband."

How can you possibly start with that, then give us a picture of a tyrant, an ogre, an out of control maniac?
Don't put up with it!
Get rid of him. Nobody should have to live as you are doing! Look after yourself, and don't waste time on a total arsehole!!

Find a support group on Facebook for partners of people with ADHD.
it sounds like he had an emotionally abusive childhood and he is unable to escape from his trauma bonds. He is simply repeating what he saw and learned in his childhood as an adult.
one or both of his parents will also have undiagnosed ADHD or BPD. When it’s severe enough it causes a dysfunctional and abusive household. If he is not from the UK you also have cultural norms which encourage aggressuve behaviour or make it seem socially acceptable.
he is a damaged person hence the 90% of the time he is ok.

What a horrible abusive man he really is. He's not a "good husband" in the slightest if he does all this!

why on earth are you with this vile man?
For gods sake get rid of him!

He only needs to abuse you 10% of the time.
The other 90% you are just waiting for it to happen again.

As has already been said plan you exit carefully. Your safety is the priority.

This will not improve. It will only get worse. Please seek out your local authority domestic abuse organisation. For example, if you lived in Kidderminster, you would search Kidderminster domestic abuse service. They will give you all the support you need whilst you build up the mental strength to make any decisions. He's a horrid abuser.
Good luck

Sounds very much like my abusive, now ex, husband.
It WILL escalate to physical, believe you me.
Leave as soon as you're able.

Please leave. He is incredibly abusive, he holds you in contempt, he won't ever change. When you said he was in the Army, I wasn't surprised. The Army makes men very violent and aggressive. Military and police are two areas I would never, ever choose to have a husband in there, and the type of men attracted to those areas, especially Army, are really violent ones. One of these days he may hit or choke you. Please save yourself. He sees himself as a single 'free man' as he says, give him that freedom. He's a write off, he has been like this since a kid, he is too set in his way to change now.

Not a good husband not even a decent human
I hope you get safely away from him.

Why are you still there? You are articulate, understanding and far too caring.

Please call womens aid Do if from work tomorrow.

This.

The 'occasional' wall-punching, hissy fit-throwing, reacted to any upset around him by cranking the anger up to eleven but was just sensitive and recovering from a difficult childhood man who I squandered my entire adult life on became actively dangerous and impossible to excuse after I had a child. He could not cope with no longer being the centre of the universe, so did everything in his power to destroy ours. And by that time I had accidentally made myself tiny to keep him calm and happy. It took YEARS to get out and longer still to recover.

Run.

it sounds awful written down, it is awful. But it’s only about 10% of the time. Which is a lot I know. When things are good he’s funny, caring and like my best friend. When things are bad I cry alone in the bathroom @Losingagain

I'm so sorry. Let me give you a little analogy to help you understand why 10% is 10% too much.
If you were given a plate of beautiful fresh fruits - big juicy mangoes, sweet watermelon, all sorts of berries, plums, peaches, whatever you want, then someone dropped a fresh dog 💩 on the edge of the plate right next to the cherries, would you still eat any of the fruit??

Of course not, because regardless how delicious and beautiful the fruit looks, it's now been tainted with a steaming dog poop.

Btw you are not the burden, he is.

Contact womans aid, you need support to leave him. Don't tell him of your plan, you need to get safely away and don't look back.