Ex has got a job where I work and DD issues

[OneGreyBiscuit]

I've posted this on relationships but not having much engagement. I left ex in march last year, we have 2 dcs. Ds is 18 and lives with me, DD is 14 and splits her time between us. She hates going back to his as it's dirty, he's miserable, sends her to school with mouldy sandwiches. She's also drip feeding that he's slating me. I give him half the child benefit even though he buys her nothing with it apart from food. She's said to him she doesn't like going back there but he just guilt trips her about being on his own. I've also received the news that he's got a job at the place I have worked at for 10 years and everyone I have told have asked the same thing - why there? I feel I'm getting to the point of saying to him shes not staying there anymore but he'll blame me for the situation for leaving. Do I need to say something and should I be worried about the job situation?

tell your employers! That’s so shitty
it’s abusive of him

Your 14 yr old can decide not to go.
She could go just evening or weekend day time

Stop giving him half the CB if he’s not buying half of her stuff!

Tell your DD if she doesn’t want to go you’ll support her.

Be nothing but professional at work with him.

I have but theyve still taken him on. His first day was yesterday as far as I know. They've put him on different shifts to me but we get notifications of extra shifts, which could coincide with mine. (Supermarket work).

Can you talk to your manager about him working with you? Surely he should have disclosed a previous connection?

Is it on the same department in the supermarket

Our ds also works there and he mentioned him in interview but don't think he would have mentioned me. It was my ds who said when he heard he'd got the job, he didn't think it was a good idea but they've still given him it, so what can I do? I just can't understand why he would even apply for a job at my place of work and can't help thinking he has alterior motives.

Yes☹️

I don’t think he’s done anything illegal or against any sort of employment law.

it’s shit OP. I’m not sure what sure if with you do. Can you avoid him?

Yeah that would piss me off. It wouldn't be so bad if he was say a driver and you was checkouts but thats really not ok

You need to inform HR of the situation now, before he starts. Tell them you are uncertain of his intention, you were unaware of his application and you aren't comfortable, but are willing to see how it goes.

Unless your employer is the only company in town, it seems an odd thing to do.

I also think you need to support your dd in only seeing her dad at the cinema or out for a coffee/meal. Contact your ex, explain that your dd cannot cope with his negativity, his dirty home and, mouldy food is totally unacceptable. He is a parent. He needs to get a grip and pull himself together or he will lose her.

He's making no effort for your DD so if she doesn't want to stay with him don't make her. Be careful at work Op, he'll be telling your co workers all sorts about you, don't be afraid to tell people your side of the story if he's telling lies about you

I'll be able to avoid him as long as he doesn't take on anymore shifts. He's already saying he wants to change one of his shifts even though he said he was flexible in interview.

We don't have a HR and he's already started.

He sounds like an arsehole.

But your 14 year old is old enough to tell him she doesn't want to stay over.

I think if it came from you, it would probably make matters worse.

As an aside, how many times has he made her mouldy sandwiches?

She needs to start making them and checking with him he has fresh bread before she arrives.

I don't want her going there if she's unhappy but he'll just say that I've put us in this situation by leaving. She's already said to him she doesn't want to go there to him but he just guilt trips her by saying he'll be on his own

Twice as far as I know. I don't think he even had enough toilet roll once and moaned at her for using too much.

I don't agree that at 14 she can tell her Dad she doesn't want to go round, it's not as easy as that when she doesn't want to upset him, and is made to feel guilty etc. I think the OP should let her know it's OK to have boundaries and only see him in a coffee shop, or to go for a walk, or whatever she's comfortable with. It's also OK that she helps her daughter tell him, or tells him herself if she's struggling with that, or backs her up.

@OneGreyBiscuit of course he'll say it's your fault and try to guilt trip your DD otherwise he'd have to admit his part in the separation. Tell your DD that her Dad's an adult and she's not responsible for him, if he's lonely it's not her fault or her job to keep him company

Exactly right

Your employer has a duty of care, regardless of whether they have an HR department or not.

If he won't leave you alone or pesters you in work, they have a duty to ensure your safety and well being, including your mental health. At the first sign of issues, point that out to your boss.