AIBU to sleep train my 2 year old?

[user2466]

Hi,

My toddler is a light sleeper and a bit of a FOMO baby so at the age of 10 months we put her in her own room which worked well for her as she’d wake with the smallest of sounds.

She’s had a few blips which are normal such as sickness but generally settled back into her sleep routine.

During the festive break I went to stay with my family for three weeks and shared a room with her. She has a travel cot there and would scream and cry any time she was put in the cot. Her dad and I separated in September and I felt guilty so let her sleep in the bed with me there.

We’ve now returned home and she hysterically cries when I put her in her cot. She wants me to lay with her which can take up to two hours as she’s a FOMO child so she constantly moves around and wants to walk off. When she does finally fall asleep she wakes in the night when she realises im
not in the room. Ige been bringing her into my bed as I have work the next morning but she wriggles around so much in her sleep and kicks me all night to the point I barely sleep. I’m exhausted and doing it alone and want some routine back.

Would it be mean of me to sleep train? I wouldn’t do the CIO method. Perhaps come on after x minutes or sir on the floor next to her cot (not sure which one yet)

Anyone able to share their experiences of sleep training a two year old?

thanks

It wouldn't be mean - it will make her (and you) feel much better.

We set a timer for 5

YANBU
Google gradual retreat - it’s effective

Really struggling. I’m sat on the edge of the bed but she keeps crying. I feel evil. I feel as though I’m abandoning her but I don’t know how we can continue with co sleeping either

Did you manage tonight OP?

You're not abandoning her at all x once you manage to do it - after 2 nights, she won't cry

What do you do when she tantrums? Sometimes you have to do things your kids don't like as it's best for you/them and they get over it (ie get back in the pram to go home, not run into the road, share a toy). Is she crying like that because she wants something? She was obviously capable of getting to sleep by herself before so I don't think it sounds like genuine fear. I agree a gradual extinction method might work. Mummy needs to go and do this so she can't stay with you in the bedroom, I'll be back in 5 minutes etc. Then overnight you just need to be firm, no you can't come into bed with mummy back into your own bed every time. If you give in, she'll know if she complains enough she gets what she wants.

I think you can also ask her in the day why she's crying at night and see if you can solve it if you can make sense of it, maybe with a night light or a teddy if it's the dark. See if you can get her agreement to make a plan as to how she will best sleep at night without mummy.

Yes it would be really mean.
how will you listen to your child call for their mama and not go to them ?! Daytime or night time.
would you put any other family members in a room to cry by themselves ?!!
join the FB group “beyond sleep training project” for non sleep- training tips advice and peer support.

I think what makes it hard is that her dad and I separated in September which wasn’t planned and I feel guilty about this.

When she cries it turns into hysterical crying to the point where she’s trying to get her words out and say ‘big hug’ ‘mummy big hug’ whilst holding on to her Teddy and crying. I just feel like the shittwst mother ever

In the end I put her on the spare bed in her room and sat on the side near her legs. She fell asleep. I didn’t lay next to her which is a positive but I feel so bad and I feel lik I didn’t achieve anything because she still didn’t sleep in her cot but I guess it’s only the first day

Children need to learn how to get themselves to sleep and to self-soothe. Of course it’s not wrong to sleep train. It’s also much better for you as you won’t be so tired.

Hard agree.

OP I slept with my kids and then then naturally stopped co sleeping (at 2 yo and the second at 1.5 yo)

when I had a tricky patch with my husband and we separated I co slept with both as they needed extra support. I don’t think this is the right time to leave her distressed

She clearly needs you. You feel bad because it’s nature telling you to be there for her

I couldn’t bring myself to sleep train, my 2 year old co-sleeps and as much as I’d like her to sleep in her own bed I couldn’t let her cry like that. We will stop when she is ready to stop.

This is bollocks. OP feels bad because she feels (misplaced) guilt about the breakdown of the relationship.

Both OP and her child need a good night's sleep. That isn't going to happen while OP is setting herself on fire to keep her daughter warm.

Lots of very necessary / natural things are unpleasant but we have to get through them. Vaccinations, teething, sleep training, weaning. There is absolutely nothing wrong with OP prioritising her sleep, which is not a luxury but an absolute necessity.

Sorry I just want to reiterate I wasn’t leaving her to cry. I was say on the edge of the spare bed right next to her cot telling her it’s bed time and I’m here and then pausing and then reassuring and then pausing. I would then intermittently go and hug and stroke her hair and tell her it’s bed time and she’s safe.

I know not to just walk off with her crying so much. I wouldn’t do that.

I know co parenting until x age may have worked cor some but my DD did previously self settle and would sleep alone with no sleep associations. I understand she needs me right now but generally she’s too much of a light sleeper and wakes multiple times and moves all around the bed kicking me and I’m constantly worried she’s going to go under the duvet or fall or walk off whilst I’m asleep so I’m constantly getting up to check on her and it’s impacting me because I don’t feel rested at all @GeishaTrumpet@Tammygirl12 if she co slept and it was restful for her and somewhat restful for me I’d continue it but she’s a very light sleeper and moves around a lot

I don’t think it’s evil in the slightest.

Our 9 year old sleeps for approximately 4/5 hours a night, and is a very wakeful child around that. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture for a reason, and you can’t pour from an empty cup.

We don’t cosleep, because I absolutely believe in developing his sleep independence and everyone having their own space to rest in.

If she was able to self settle and sleep alone before, she’ll get there again - keep at it.

My son was a pretty rubbish sleeper and had to be rocked to sleep for ages as a toddler. When I was pregnant, we realised it wasn’t feasible anymore. I was getting big and uncomfortable, and he was taking forever to put down. If we just put him in the cot, he’d scream bloody murder. What worked for us was buying a floor bed. We now lie with him til he’s asleep and sneak out. He also has a sound machine to help muffle external noise like his sister crying. He sleeps through the night 95% of the time now and when we wakes, he’ll usually let us rub his back to sleep. The floor bed has saved our sanity and I would recommend it 100 times over to fellow toddler mums. The only downside is that, now when we travel, we need to make sure there’s a second bed for him as he won’t go in a cot anymore.

Best of luck!

I chose not to sleep train because it didn't fit with how I choose to parent, and I think at 2 that's really hard on them. It sounds like she (and you!) have had lots of stress and it makes sense that she needs more reassurance at the moment. I think it will pass quicker if you reassure and respond, of she's slept well alone before I'm sure she will when she feels settled again. She's getting close to the age of understanding a lot more and verbal reassurance being easier.

This sounds so tough - hang in there! You need to prioritise your sleep as without sleep you simply can't look after your child! I'd recommend looking at Sleep Well With Hannah - she's about to start another of her free sleep workshops. She gets fantastic reviews and we found her advice invaluable for helping with my 8mo when he would only sleep if I was in bed with him - he used to wake up even if I left the bed to go to the bathroom! He now sleeps in his own cot and that is due to Hannah's sleep advice.

I did CIO with one (slightly accidentally) and didn't need to with the other but did leave them to grumble for a bit - both largely slept through the night 12 hours as a result from 5 months old. Comparing it to other people's experiences who co-slept or had to take ages to settle their kids/ the few nights when they didn't sleep well because of illness etc - it was miraculously better for me to do that and they are both super happy and well adjusted. I personally think i am a better mother for having a night time of sleep to myself (mostly, they still occasionally wake me before settling themselves back again in seconds) and they are well rested and very healthy.

Recently the 2 year old has started to get very clever about how to mess around at bed time again to get me coming in so after one or two goes I now tell them I'm not coming back in until the morning - after leaving them to cry for 5-10 minutes after saying that for two nights they believe me and accept it. If you want to co-sleep / can't bring yourself to do it I understand that - but choosing to protect your and their sleep is not a bad thing either.