To be annoyed…?

[Kuwnm]

That I do all the night feeds, nappy changing, outfit changes, bathing, most of the feeds, all the washing, drying, folding, cooking, cleaning and life admin, while he goes to work AND the gym 3 evenings a week for 2 hours so I’m alone all day caring on those days? also I have a pre teen to look after too! Baby is 5 weeks and I’m still recovering from c section.

AIBU to feel there should be a more even split??
I am sick of picking up after him and having to ask him for help because it apparently doesn’t occur to him I may need it?

He had a cold since weds last week, so I have been doing everything (sorry, he washed and sterilised some bottles) because we don’t want DD to get poorly. However he feels better now and has just got home from work. I am still in my pajamas knackered and he’s made himself food, got dressed into his gym stuff and is now watching TV. He hasn’t even offered to take DD.

just feel frustrated 😣

Have you spoken to him about it?

Is the pre-teen his? If so, was he more or less the same then?

Many times and he vows to help more. Lasts maybe a day and then I’m back to picking up after him and taking lead on chores otherwise they just don’t get done

Should have mentioned she’s not his

You need to be more assertive about what you need him to do. He clearly isn't pulling his weight. With a new born baby in the mix, he really can't be leaving you to deal with all the work while he swans off to the gym. How did this equation come to pass? Please ask yourself if you have enabled this selfish behavior (by picking up after him, doing his chores etc) and challenge your own instincts and him to get a better more workable arrangement!

Feel furious for you. Absolutely not unreasonable. Pick which days you will be going to the gym etc and act accordingly. Work is a walk in The park compared to looking after baby. Good luck I really hope it changes for you.

I feel like there’s only so much I can ask him and tell him?
We have been together 3 years. He’s a fully grown man, surely it’s not hard to realise that if there are dishes in the sink then wash them up or load the dishwasher? If the washing basket is full then maybe put a wash on? If I give him a basket of clothes and tell him they’re his to put away then put them away and don’t leave them sitting in front of the wardrobe for 4 days?
it’s not rocket science to know that you should hoover at least every other day.
also put your cans in the recycling and don’t leave them piling up around the house?
I guess maybe I’ve enabled because I cannot stand the sight of mess and we need clean clothes and dishes?

Of course he should be doing some life stuff.

Don’t frame it as helping. It isn’t “helping” you, it’s him doing his fair share around the house as an adult and as a partner/husband.

Also, going to the gym 3 times a week is unfair too. When do you get the equivalent time away from baby? You are owed 6 hours a week baby free time if he’s getting that too. I would tell him that you are having 3 hours on Sat and 3 hours on Sunday to do your own activities and that he is in sole charge of baby for that time.

You are not being unreasonable this is not fair to you however you ARE being unreasonable in just picking up the slack rather than sorting it out. Where is his motivation to change? Give him the child and go do something else when he is back from work - don’t wait to offer. If that means he can’t go to gym then tough. Are you breastfeeding? If not go yourself! Regarding chores, any mess he makes he tidies, or it just gets left. And if it gets too bad, you may need to move out until he learns to clean. Split work fairly, eg he does all the washing. If he doesn’t, well, no clean clothes then. Stop compensating for him!!!

I have been in exactly your position, so I get it. But, if they don't behave like adults, you have to tell them to do the bleeding obvious! My ex was like this, and it was just awful. It breeds huge resentment to constantly be looking after a man-child. I never managed to crack the code with him, apart from eventually (and for a whole host of reasons, not just this) making him an ex. I told myself when that ended, that I was never picking up another man's socks off the floor! My current partner isn't as tidy as I am, but he basically is an adult - loads the dishwasher when it needs to be, etc and we don't even live together. He took the trash out without being asked the first time he visited, and I practically jumped his bones with excitement 😂.

His swanning off to the gym adds salt to the wounds in your situation. These 'me-time' things have to discussed and both of you should get to do them, with the other holding fort.

You've been together 3 years?

Has he only started to behave like this since you found out you were pregnant?

What was he like before?

Ye yes I know and this is what annoys me. But he just ‘doesn’t see’ the things that need doing.
He just came upstairs to lay down I said no chance you need to pick up the baby I’m shattered. He said ‘we were up the same amount of time and I’ve been at work’
haha yeah what about the 2 lay ins you had over the weekend, the extra hour of sleep you had today, then nights feeds you haven’t done, and all the free time you have because I’m on baby duty because you’ve got sniffles. He’s using the cold as an excuse now if she was going to get it she would have by now.

He “doesn’t see” what needs doing because fundamentally he doesn’t see it as his responsibility. It’s a matter of a lack of respect for you in the relationship. If he cared, once he knew that this was unfair and upsetting you then he would make a point of “seeing” the issues.

Unless his work is manual labour or something where he is on his feet doing complex work, then being at work is not an excuse to avoid dealing with his own baby. I would also be disappointed that he doesn’t want to interact with his baby, get to know them, hold them etc.

I've absolutely voted that YANBU and clearly you didn't bring him up but it sounds as if he has never pulled his weight ?
So why did you stay with him when you realised this?
In the early days of dating? Or when you moved in together?
Whereas I don't think anyone needs to vacuum that often, there is no way I would live with someone who wasn't pulling their weight let alone consider having a child with them.

Because despite this flaw I love him and he is a good person and makes me happy and feel loved in other ways. It’s just this one thing we cant seem to overcome. I think maybe being slightly lazy is one of his traits and I can’t change that. The problem is lack of consideration.

How is it possible to love someone that you describe as lazy and inconsiderate?

Do you genuinely think he loves you? Do you think that if he did truly love you he’d let you be exhausted and not do a thing? A relationship is supposed to be a partnership and this clearly isn’t.

What will happen is that you’ll go back to work
and you’ll have two children, a job and everything else to do and he’ll just have to work and will let you do it all. Doesn’t sound fun.

I’ve just written a post on here and if could give you any advice it would be to get out if you can. It just gets worse and worse and you’re deeper and deeper in. He’s unlikely to change. If you say anything about the gym he’ll just hold it against you. He should be going before work or just 1-2 times a week while you have such a hard job to do at home but he’ll just say he never gets to do what he wants to do if you push it.

But why? If baby is bottle fed, surely you hand him the baby and get on with doing something else. I used to hand mine to Dh at 5pm when he walked through the door and go to bed. I was breastfeeding so he’d still have to bring them to me for a feed, but otherwise I was off duty. I didn’t even know how to do a bath until eldest was several months old because only Dh ever did baths and I had to figure it out on my own when he went away for the night. If he’s sitting watching tv he can do it with a baby while you sleep! Then get baby ready for bed and settled to sleep.

You start as you intend to go on. If you’re putting up with this behaviour now, you have a long road ahead of you because it’s not going to get better.

I think set jobs at set days/times every week that are just his responsibility and made crystal clear if they’re not done, you’ll see a solicitor and mean it. This is the only way to deal with him if he can’t adult and then at least you can offload some jobs and not resent doing the rest. Also, every 2 hours he spends at the gym, you get the same number of hours each week to be child free and please yourself. Put your foot down and don’t relent EVER, and he will eventually get used to it.

But how can you think a person who, 5 weeks post major surgery whilst looking after a tiny baby and a 5 year old, lets you do all the night feeds, nappy changing, outfit changes, bathing, most of the feeds, all the washing, drying, folding, cooking, cleaning and life admin, while he goes to work AND the gym 3 evenings a week for 2 hours so I’m alone all day caring on those days? also I have a pre teen to look after too! Baby is 5 weeks and I’m still recovering from c section. loves you ?

He clearly doesn't give a fig about your physical health or your mental health. That doesn't indicate a person loving another person to me.
That's not how my dh behaved, and it's not how the young men who have married into our family then had babies recently behave either. They want to do everything they can to support the mother of their child - the woman they love.