People who persist despite ghosting

[AchtungMaybe]

I wonder what the psychology behind this is: I had to cut out a couple of extended family members whose contacts were affecting my wellbeing. I simply stopped responding to their email contacts. 13 years of unreplied to messages later (between them and another family member) I am still getting messages, ca. Twice a year. None of these messages ever asks if they have upset me, or mentions the decade plus of no contact. What do you think this behaviour of just carrying on as if nothing is wrong is driven by?

You haven't told them you have cut contact. You want them to stop messaging you need to say so. Or block them.

I hate people who ghost. I get there are times (safety) where people cut contact. But frankly it's usually really obvious to all parties when that happens.

Um, they don’t know why you have stopped responding.

people stop responding for all sorts of reasons, and there are a LOT of people who think ghosting is extremely rude behaviour and not the best way to deal with any kind of problem.

they are keeping contact open in case you change your mind.

You sound incredibly rude.

I think you are both avoidant but it is showing up differently. You didn’t confront and explain why you were cutting contact and they didn’t accept it and are avoiding facing up to the relationship being over.

Maybe they care about you and are hoping you'll respond one day...

Tell them that you want no contact.

Sounds like they’re just burying their heads in the sand and ignoring it tbh

I imagine they are worried about you and trying to show you that you can continue contact if you wish, as your behaviour (ghosting family members) is pretty strange and rude. If you want to go n/c then you have to tell them.

People sometimes stop responding because they're going through a hard time. Stress, mental illness, physical illness. Or because they're in an abusive relationship where the abuser does their best to isolate them in various ways.

Presumably they've got no way of knowing that this isn't the case with you, if you haven't actually told them that you don't want contact?

I still contact a friend who has ghosted me every so often. Mainly to leave the door open for her as I think there’s a good chance that within time she might have a change of heart. I wouldn’t want her to think it had been too long to get back in touch.

The reasons for her ghosting me are not actually to do with me but to do with a painful situation that I believe she doesn’t want to be reminded of and I hope that in time the pain will diminish to the extent that contact with me would no longer bring back those painful memories.

Um. Why would you simply stop responding to someone rather than tell them? And then wonder why they keep contacting you when you haven’t given them any explanation. I’m sure there’s more to it, but as it stands, it’s you who is very rude.

They persist because you've ghosted them, not cut contact or had a conversation. The psychology is simple, they have not had closure and are not communicating on the same basis as you, because they don't realise your views.

For the people saying why would you stop responding without being told to?

Why wouldn't you? If someone never responded to me anymore, I'd eventually stop trying.

Are you serious op?

Call me old fashioned but if you don’t have the grace to explain why you are cutting someone off and give them an opportunity fo respond and reform, or not reform, then this is the result!

They obviously have no clue that you feel this way about their behaviour.

You may well be very justified in cutting them off but I don’t believe in just going quiet although that seems to be the accceptable way nowadays.

Unless they are mind readers it’s unlikely they are going to know they have done something, if you really didn’t want to hear from them it’s very odd you’ve let it carry on for 13 years, almost like you get a kick out of ignoring them.

They're worried about you

Ghosting someone is cowardly. If you don’t want contact, say so. They’re probably leaving the door open, wondering what they’ve done.

Look, I understand why people ghost and I admit to doing it in the past when I was a lot younger with men I had dated for example. But you have to also understand how it feels to be the ghosted party.

You have gone from being there for them in whatever context that may be- friends, romantic, family and they may have come to rely on you as a support, or they love you/ have strong feelings for you. Rather than you cut them out with an explanation so they have a full understanding of what went wrong, what they did wrong, where your head is at in cutting them out etc, you have just gone silent. Disappeared overnight. They have no answers, they ruminate and don’t understand what happened.

The fairest and kindest solution is always to give them the answers. Even if you think it will be hurtful because you’re rejecting them or you’re telling them you don’t particularly like them as a person, whatever it may be- at least they know and can move on.

Because they don’t know why you have stopped! Ghosting is such a shitty thing to do, at least have the decency to say you want no further contact then everyone can move on

Affecting your wellbeing? You sound a bit of a princess and a rude one at that.

Most people think ghosting is incredibly rude so maybe they’re trying to prove a point.

Maybe they haven't noticed.

Erm, just have the balls to tell them to not contact you?

Good on you!

They don't see that they have done anything wrong enough to have you cut them out of your life. Plus it sounds as if they are in contact with no similar awkwardness with another family member who is close(r) to you.
One of my parents is in this position: they are in contact with the husband of a couple (and they're older than he is, remember him as a baby etc, and he's a direct relative). He has had 2 or 3 potentially serious health scares, and she cares about him. Started off with a good relationship with his 2nd wife, but has now been blocked by her and does not understand why she doesn't receive reassuring updates about the husband at times when he is in no state to use his phone, or open a birthday card, himself.
If you don't want contact, you will have to let the person know, rather than expect that it is clear.
I can also say that they will wonder very strongly about the psychology of the 'ghoster' in their turn, rather than say 'Oh, it all makes sense now!'

YANBU OP.

I told an ex I wasn’t staying in contact (for many reasons!). Kept getting messages via WhatsApp about stuff I wasn’t remotely interested in trying to keep in contact.

Blocked them a year ago and they still sent a Christmas card! Clearly sent to try and initiate a response from me.

Nope, not happening.