Has anyone else been successful in developing a thicker skin?

[AmpleHedgehog]

It is something I'm still working on and hoping will improve.

I've finally settled in a job but over the last year I've had a couple of changes. All within the same wider organisation but different departments.
There is a stigma with changing jobs often but I think as long as it isn't preventing people getting interviews then it shouldn't matter. Anyway, I walked into the office and a friend shouted 'Oh look, it's the job changer!" I was a bit surprised and tried to explain myself saying I was just trying to progress like everyone else. She apologised and said it wasn't meant like that and I told her it was ok and laughed it off, and moved on. However she doesn't talk to me as much now and I am wondering if it's connected.

I'm taking driving lessons and the very first lesson the instructor told me he couldn't believe how clumsy I was. He laughed, and he has since said that I'm doing well, but I did feel embarrassed because I've previously wondered if I have dyspraxia .

I apparently nod a lot which I'm trying to work on, but I do try and show active listening I guess. A colleague was doing it back to me and it took me a minute to realise she was mocking me. I felt very embarrassed and tried to stop doing it.

These are just examples I've taken to heart. I want to be able to not care at all but I don't know what to do. Anyone else?

Basically just wondering how other people would have reacted?

So the way not to care is to fully accept who you are. And it's a bit of a slow process of noticing and redirecting negative thoughts you have about yourself. It's totally possible, though. Once you accept yourself, comments like that just go over your head.
Are you on IG? If so look up Julienhimself. He talks about it a lot.

Hi @AmpleHedgehog I am a naturally thin skinned person but have toughened up a good bit over the years. It’s like I’ve lost some of my fear of people and situations by constantly reminding myself that I’m not really the main focus of everyone’s attention. Everyone is struggling a bit with life and often putting down others in order to big themselves up. When you see it that way you kind of feel sorry for them, as you’re not feeling the need to do that to them. It might sound big headed but pity them. I dunno, it makes me feel better anyway! Not sure if that’s any way helpful or right to do but it helps me to think we’re all just surviving this life.

It’s really hard isn’t it?

My upbringing was fairly grim, I was always mocked by my narcissistic mother, my brother and sister were both bullies so I take things to heart.
I may as well have a tattoo on my forehead saying abuse me.

As I have aged and understood why I take things to heart so personally I have developed a much thicker skin.

I stand up to people now for example a friend started to treat me badly, particularly in front of other people, it clearly gave her a temporary feeling of superiority.
I got her alone and told her that this behaviour was demeaning, bullying and rude, she immediately burst into tears and apologised.
It’s always an inadequacy of the perpetrator.

Your driving instructor should be accustomed to learners being nervous and clumsy as a professional he should be encouraging.
If he makes another similar comment tell him he is knocking your confidence.

Regarding the colleague, in a similar situation take a moment and think, a clever response would have been “I’m getting lots of experience in different departments” how long have you been sitting at that desk?

Never be rude or aggressive and don’t get emotional, these bullies love to see weakness.
Stay calm, think and then respond.

Good luck and remember it’s their weakness or lack of emotional intelligence not yours.

Thank you, I've had previous instructors when I learned years ago and they would correct me as is right but in a gentle and professional manner. My relative is also having lessons with her, she knows we're related but has discussed my driving and my test date with my relative. Just saying like I don't know why she's done xyz.

Not sure if I'm being unreasonable there but I'm paying her to teach me and she shouldn't be discussing me with my relative?

Oh OP I empathise. People can be cruel even unintentionally.

My first job, I remember an older woman saying about me to someone sat next to me “ugh she’s sickly sweet isn’t she!” Knowing I’d hear. I was just being me.

I went through a phase in my early 30s of hardening up and becoming a bit distant/cold because of comments like this, passive aggressive digs and just plain rudeness. I then realised I wasn’t going to change myself for others.

It is hard, a lot of people I find will happily tell you you need to be more assertive and stand up for yourself and then when you do they’re offended. I remember saying no to someone like this they said, “what do you mean no?!” What they’re saying is, I want you to have boundaries but not to me though, I still need the people pleaser I can walk over.

Thank you, it really is something I want to build on and I hope I can do it. I suppose it's sometimes hard to differentiate between what is intended as a dig towards me and what is just me overreacting.

For all intents and purposes they are one and the same. You are only affected by someone's digs if you react to them. Stop reacting and you won't have any need to differentiate.

Some ‘digs’ warrant a reaction though? Where’s the line?

Yeah, me. It took years and years and antidepressants, but I’m there and I’m loving it

I get you op. I’ve toughened up over the years and often just laugh along, sometimes truly seeing the funny side but sometimes just to hide how it made me feel. I’ve tried speaking up a few times but people truly don’t get it. As a pp said, they probably just don’t realise, living their own lives, are to be pitied. It still gets to me on occasion. As for your driving instructor, I feel like she needs a quiet word as she’s being totally unprofessional. That or find another.

Are you quite young OP? I think as you age you just care a bit less and your skin naturally thickens. I care what friends and family think, but stuff everyone else.

The driving instructor probably didn't mean anything by it, I'd probably just laugh that one off. If he undermines your confidence, change instructor, you don't owe him anything.

The 'job changer' comment - I've learnt to give as good as I get (or better, worse than I get) so I'd probably say something like 'we don't all want the grass growing under our feet Sharon'. If she's a jokey type she'll just laugh and probably like you the more for doing so.

The nodding woman is very unprofessional. If it's at work I'd be inclined to do a hard stare or ask her to stop, and if she persisted I'd raise with HR or a manager.

Are you witty? That is the easiest way out of discomfort I find. I was thin skinned, I’m not anymore I’m pretty thick skinned now.

I don’t think what people say has anything to do with me or is much more about themselves. On the job hopper one, I’d have probably said something like “I like to put my sparkly personality about for others to enjoy”.

As for the driving one, something like “Yes, you should remember that if you are hanging out at the back of the car before we start the lesson”. Just comments that ease discomfort.

Explaining or justifying makes it seem like you agree. You have no need to prove yourself to anyone else, except yourself.

I know exactly what you mean. I seem to have spent a lifetime of people criticising and mocking me for my looks and abilities. I’m a graduate, professional, hopefully kind and helpful, have tried to be a good mum and DS now at a good RG uni, I have a nice little house and reasonable success at my hobby/sport, I try to be supportive to my older parents. I’m not blowing my trumpet but I’m doing ok and I’m from a very working class background. And yet, I seem to be a punch bag for people to criticise either to my face or about me. I also get a lot of unasked for advice on everything from how to park my car to do my job . I’m seriously wondering if (a) I give off some sort of helplessness vibe or (b) Everyone experiences this but most people ignore it!

Can you give me an example of something you think might warrant a reaction?

I think it comes with age. I hit 40 and I just stopped caring. If someone is staring at me my brain says ‘they must fancy me.’ If someone says that I’m clumsy I would now say ‘fancy saying that out loud, now I feel self conscious.’ (I wouldn’t but it would make them feel bad). I don’t think you can really make yourself thick skinned, it just happens over time. I also think having a lot of trauma builds resilience but you don’t want that! Speaking out if someone is openly rude gets easier with practise and you tend not to hold onto things if you challenge them in the moment so maybe try speaking out if someone offends you. It’s not easy to begin with but it is addictive and you’ll get the hang of it 😂

I once walked into a room where a woman was doing a mocking impression of me to an audience of Mums. Many years ago but a riposte at least an idea?