People who ask questions about you but dont actually care to know

[MoodyMargaret11]

Inspired by a recent "acquaintance" which I found really weird - curious as to why people would do this?

When I see her in person she just talks a lot about herself or gossip about mutual acquaintances. She would regularly "check in" with texts, the sort of "how are you", "How's your weekend" etc. I'd give my answers (fairly short but still specific, mentioning what I'd been doing) and ask "how about you". She then seems to completely ignore what I'd said and launch straight in "I did X and Y" bla bla, often accompanied with photos. Just gassing or boasting about herself is how it comes across. I noticed even when I had a couple of medical procedures recently, she'd ask how they went and after I respond would say nothing. E.g one of the procedures was so painful and traumatizing, when I mentioned it there was no response. The other one there were concerns around and again she asks but then says nothing, not even a one line of fake empathy 😄
Now I dont care about this person and I've distanced myself, but it annoys me that she keeps texting and trying to be friends, inviting me for get togethers and "checking in". I cant completely avoid her as we share a hobby so I'm doing a combo of grey rocking and slow fading 🤣
Nit so much of an AIBU, I'm just shocked as to how such people ever form any relationships and the general level of self absorbed-ness.

If she asks in future just put “fine thanks how are you?” She may not been commenting but she’s probably gossiping about you.

An old friend of mine does this quite often and I'm no longer telling her what's going on for me. Shame really, we used to be close.

A lot of people seem (or I'm just really good at attracting them) to want the appearance/illusion of having lot of friends without actually being prepared to put any kind of emotional effort into it. They like the feeling of being able to say they're the lynchpin because they're always the one to organise a get-together, or they like being able to post pictures of a big group of people in a bar with hashtags about living their best life. It takes less engagement and effort to put on your heels and go for cocktails than it does to remember when someone's hospital appointment is and check in on the day to see how it went.

They're the people who would be able to tell someone who asked them what your usual bar order is but they don't have a clue what last made you cry. If you made a list of people who you'd call in an emergency and trust them to take care of whatever needed taking care of, they wouldn't be in it. In some ways it keeps them safer - if they're only doing surface-level engagement they never risk deeper hurt from anyone - but it also means they would struggle to put any of their 'friends' on that list of people they could really rely on (and you'd probably find people who they did feel they could rely on, didn't feel the same in return).

Unless a very good friend, the only correct answer to the question "How are you?" is "Great thanks, you?". It's just a social nicety, most casual acquaintances don't care how you are.

And as this woman is a gossip, the less you tell her the better; as a PP said, she needs material to talk about you.

@shouldofgotamortage and @MuswellHillbillyBoy this is exactly how it feels sometimes, like she is just "gathering" information rather than genuinely caring. The one time she did ask follow up questions and showed (possibly feigned) empathy was when I cancelled an event due to family issues. I replied in a very bland, vague way and did not disclose any details as frankly, I didnt want her knowing anything more. It has crossed my mind she might be gossiping about me too 🤣 but even if she weren't I didnt want unsolicited advice or "support" anyway.

Thank you, I can see how she might be the type who likes to just acquire random friends for the sake of it. We seem to have very little in common which is why I was surprised at her somewhat insistent communication.

I’ve found with people like this, the ‘how are you?’ Is just a formality/entry point so they can then go on and on about themselves. Maybe yours is digging for info or maybe she’s like the ones I know.

When people try toprattle at me I just smile, nod and "That's nice, sorry gotta go."
I knew someone who could ralk for Britain about herself, she wouldn't draw breath and never listened. She was like a bloody limpet.
One day during one of her dreary monologues, I said "Okay that's it I'm bored now, I have to be going."
She didn't even flinch and started banging on about a new car she was buying.
I walked off, everytime I saw her after that I would cross the road.

Hilarious!! 🤣

I have recently worked with two people like this and I didn't understand it until I read this thread. Whenever it was my turn to talk they would ignore what I'd said and completely stop listening. One is very popular and one has no friends.

If she gossips TO you, she gossips ABOUT you!
Just don't respond to her messages or be a grey rock

It's more common than we think isnt it? Especially hard when being 'trapped' with them at the workplace or similar.
I am wondering though what makes one of your colleagues so popular?

What I've noticed is also these type of personalities tend to be quite negative, complaining or talking about problems mostly.