To push my dd into going to therapy?

[WonkyEdges]

My DD is 16 and generally seems to be doing okay — she’s settled at sixth form, doing well academically and plays sport. However, she’s always found friendships a bit tricky and prefers to steer clear of any social drama, which can make the social side quite hard and I worry she’s lonely. She did have a group of friends but was bullied by one of them and the group split for a while but now they seem to be back with the girl who bullied my dd and now she’s on the edge. She says it’s quite tough talking to people as it’s quite cliquey and you almost have to be invited to talk to a group.

At home, things can be quite intense (even I’m finding life really hard as an adult). She has a profoundly disabled sibling who was recently diagnosed with epilepsy alongside their other disabilities, and she’s witnessed seizures. She also has another sibling with asd and adhd as well. While she appears to cope, I do wonder whether it’s a lot for her to carry, as she tends to keep things to herself. She’s mentioned a few times not bringing her new boyfriend round (she did bring her ex boyfriend round a lot) and that most people won’t understand her home situation.

I’ve been wondering whether therapy might be helpful, but when I’ve brought it up she’s reluctant. School know about the situation and say she can access the well-being hub if needed. I don’t want to force her into anything and we do our best to ensure she gets to attend anything she wants to. We can’t do it as a family so events and holidays tend to be with one parent. We’re trying to make sure she isn’t missing out but I feel awful that we can’t give her the home life we’d like.

For those with teens, would you encourage therapy in a situation like this? I feel I would have to insist on it but I don’t feel she has an outlet for what might be big feelings.

How can you insist on it? Even if she goes to a session, you cannot make her actually engage….

Your DD sounds a lot like me as a teenager! I didn’t have a lot of friends at school and struggled with socialising, and I also had a severely disabled brother. I was worried about bringing my boyfriend home too, and I think I kind of ‘opted out’ of proper friendships because I didn’t want to have to invite people back after they’d invited me to theirs. I was mostly scared that they would be mean about my brother which would have devastated me.

I think therapy would definitely be helpful for her - it was helpful for me but I had to make that decision on my own rather than my dad forcing me. He suggested it, and I decided about 3 months after that I would take him up on the offer. I would tell her that if she feels like she needs somebody to talk to about anything you can arrange that for her (but she can also talk to you if she wants to) and maybe reiterate the therapy session every couple of months or if you feel like she’s getting worse

I would ask her whether she thinks therapy would help just to get her thinking about it. As pp have said, you can't force her if she isn't ready.

My DD16 is in a similar position, but desperately wants therapy (which we cant find unless paying a fortune!) She has an autistic older brother who has been very rude to her boyfriend, so she is scared to bring him round and have to explain why her brother is so hostile.
On the other hand, I need her to bring him here because they have been up to risky behaviour in the cold, dark woods near us and its better to be here in a warm safe place with contraception etc. I have come to this realisation literally in the past week, so Im very much still processing it all!

You could ask if she'd like to do family therapy with you? I had a similar home life as a teenager with a disabled parent and have struggled a lot with my mental health as an adult. I think it would have made a huge difference if a member of my family had seen the impact it had on me and helped me process it together with them.

There is no point insisting anyone goes to therapy, and I would not take on a client who had been forced to attend. You say she is mostly ok, she knows it’s an option, I’d just let her get on with it, and she can ask to go if she changes her mind.

Thanks everyone. I know you can’t force anyone into therapy as they might not engage but I do worry about the long term effect our home situation will have on her. There’s a few comments that she’s made and I think she’s a bit resentful towards one of her siblings (not the one who’s profoundly disabled). I suppose I just want to ensure she’s as well adjusted as possible. I know our home life isn’t normal at all. Her youngest sibling is vv challenging. We try and provide her with all the opportunities we can but our life is very difficult.

@CondeNastTraveller, it’s so difficult isn’t. Like you say best she has somewhere warm and safe rather than being out in the woods. This is such a tricky age with even neurotypical teenagers.

@blankcanvas3, that sounds like it was really tough for you growing up. I’m really aware that although we’ve had people here before, it isn't very easy and we all know a lot of teenagers can be mean and very judgemental and our home life is so very far away from most others home lives. I think I’ll try in a few months and see if she wants to take up the offer.

@SillyQuail, I hope you’re doing okay. I think that’s my greatest worry is the impact long term on her. We don’t really have a support network. I’ve not got any friends, no close family she can lean on and friendships at school have been tricky and I think things at home just make it that much harder to bring people back.

Thanks for everyone taking the time to comment. I just want to get it right for her and make sure she gets as much support as she needs.

As an alternative, is there a support group for siblings of children with disabilities etc? At least she would be with a group that are in a similar situation and might make some friends there.

You can offer, but she's old enough to decide.

She's got a lot going on, but you're not actually describing big issues understanding or processing it, she's not showing signs of struggling?

Do you talk openly with her about how much it is, and whether it's hard going? Talking to you would potentially help a lot.

Things like the boyfriend not visiting - tell her you support her dealing with it her way.