Regretting marriage? Has anyone else felt like this?

[Kardelen]

I feel that if I had never got married, financially I would’ve been in a better place. - which may have made me feel happier.

i would have had my own property - rather than renting ( as I had a good job- had to go part time due to child care).

i met my husband when I was very young. He had past trauma, I thought I could heal him, thought we could grow together.

he never wanted to buy a property due to his religious beliefs. Although I had 30% of the deposit for a property, I was young and naive, and thought our love was more important.

fast forward, had two kids.
his mental health declined due to his past traumas ( something I could have never predicted at a young age).

he left his job.
i am basically a solo parent to two of our kids, as he has left home to stay with my in-laws as his sever anxiety can’t handle our Children, or my family ( as we live at my family home).

i feel so silly. I should have prioritised myself and my dreams. Now things that I can never do.

I do feel sorry for him at the same time. But I can’t stop thinking how my life could have been so different.
i could have got a mortgage, could have lived single at my family home for a few years and rented the place out. But instead, got married.
life changed completely

Can’t you get a divorce? It doesn’t sound like he adds much to the lives of you and your children - financially or emotionally. You may be better off separating then could buy a property in the future.

I feel that if I had never got married, financially I would’ve been in a better place - which may have made me feel happier

That may well be true, but it doesn’t really help you now. Dwelling on what might have been certainly won’t make you any happier. You need to figure out concrete steps you can take to get closer to a life you can be happy with, starting small and working up. Or you can just live in the past and stay unhappy - it’s really up to you.

The thing is, life is messy. Yes, maybe those things would have worked out somewhat, but probably not in the best case scenario way you're describing now. Just like if you hadn't got married, it would be easy to sit here now (single) thinking back to that guy you could have had a lovely future with if only you'd blah blah. Find the best way to make the most of the situation you have now, even if bits of it are crap. The 'what ifs' only make you miserable because you only imagine yourself being better off. That isn't realistic though.

But I am sorry, life can be tough to come to terms with

Please dont go down the regret path as other difficult things could be happened anyway with someone else.
Lots of us have had less than ideal times in relationships.
All you can do is move forward.Maybe without him.

I find the "what ifs" are of an ideal situation and we can never know what would have happened. I am divorced and often think "what if" ex-DH hadn't completely lost his mind in the last 2 years of our marriage forcing my hand to end things. Or what if I had married someone else. But I'm comparing my current life to an idealised version of marriage that doesn't exist for many people.

In your case, you might have had all those things but you might not. You might have been miserable because you felt lonely and desperately wanted children, you might have met someone worse.

I agree with the other posters that you need to think "what next"? How do you want your life to look? If your DH is dragging you down, there is no real love and he's barely a parent to your children, and you would be economically better off without him (I certainly was) then question whether this is worth staying in. I don't believe in staying together for the kids, personally.

Prioritising this man over yourself and your happiness was a mistake, yes. You’re not the first woman to overinvest in a man who turns out not to be worthy and you certainly won’t be the last. Don’t beat yourself up.

You do need to get divorced though!

You might have bought a house but you wouldn’t have your children. As someone with a house and no children I know which I wish I had.

What can you do now to change your future? You don’t have to stay married. But if you do, can you look at getting a job?

I think it’s good that you are taking responsibility for your own actions but you need to be careful about dwelling on past mistakes.

Yes your life could have been a lot better but it also could have been worse.

Whats more important is how you change things moving forward.

You don’t say how old you are or how old your kids are but if you have a decent career then there’s no reason why you couldn’t buy somewhere now.

I’m confused which religion doesn’t believe in buying a home - I’ve never heard that before.

FWIW I tell my DD that she has her whole life to settle down and get married. You’re only young once and so to not get married or have kids too young.
Unless I had kids with someone I would not get married before 40.

He is an extra
kid. Get a divorce and you still have the rest of your life to live as you wish. You are going to fester away with regret worse than you are already if you don’t. You have gave up enough and compromised. Time to make yourself happy, you’re already a single mum on all but paper. Get your independence and self respect back. Self love time.

Another vote for looking forward. The past already happened. The issue wasn't really getting married per se, the issue was thinking you can "fix" someone and giving up on your own ambitions and plans for a man who was not suitable.
Sitting with regret without doing anything to work towards your goals is keeping you in the same mindset. You are still sacrificing your life for someone who is not a good match. Change it. You have the rest of your life to achieve whatever it is your want to achieve.

Thank you all for you all
for your messages. It has definitely made me feel better about myself, how I should Not focus on what ifs.

I don’t know if it makes sense, but I just feel guilty leaving someone who is going through mental health struggles. I think about some of our good memories, and it hurts. It hurts that he is missing out so much on our childrens young days because of his mental health.
i just don’t know how to support anymore. He had childhood trauma in the past, so I think it was inevitable, which makes me feel more sad for him.

You sound as if you are still quite young and could still achieve your goals. Unfortunately you and your husband wanted different things even when he was well. Now you are literally living separate lives.

Yes it’s sad but if you still have support from your family you could still work towards the future you want. Your DH will have to walk his own path. He can still be part of the children’s lives but I wouldn’t hang around waiting for him to change because he won’t.

Good luck.

Guilt is a choice, OP. You already disimproved your life once by prioritising him over you and your own wishes. Don’t do it again.

You should divorce him, prioritise yourself finally. This is why you got here you kept doing what he wants whats best for him whats expected of you, enough. Do what you want. You can't get the time back.

This. It's completely reasonable to feel down and think about what you could have had. But when you're ready its time to take stock of what you have. Children is a big one. Now, onto whats next for you and the kids. Don't stay because of pity or sadness for him. He made a choice when he said being around the kids worsened his anxiety and moved out. Now its time for you to make your choices.

Guilt is a very pointless emotion. It’s gives you nothing.

Marriage is not an altar you sacrifice your life at.

Get going on your dreams. (Solo parenting here for many years)

Guilt is not a good reason to stay with someone.

On these type of threads I always notice the key point - in your OP you didn't once say you loved him.

Also don't think you have to stay because of the sunk costs and your previous investment in him. You don't 'owe' him anything. He's being looked after by family members whilst opting out of his responsibilities and family.

A very good friend of mine was married to a guy who had extensive mental health issues. She left him eventually. She had a young son to think about. Exposing her son to the constant issues wasn't good for him for a whole host of reasons.

She's an amazing person who I love dearly. She found a new partner and is very much living happily ever after.

Sadly not so much her ex. When he died she felt relief as it freed her and her son. Her son struggles with the loss of his Dad - you don't get over that no matter what the circumstances - but he's very much loved by all those in his life and more importantly he knows this. He's a fabulous young man now with his own struggles but genuinely he's in a much better place than he would have been if his mum had stayed with his father out of guilt.

Ok your dreams you had when you are young might not come true. Tbh I think this is a natural part of life anyway. You find new hopes and dreams. Life rarely turns out the way you want when you are young. It doesn't mean you have wrecked your life. You have to learn to appreciate the wonderful things you do have. You find new dreams as much as this sounds trite.

But the key point is not to keep making the same mistake over and over again.

If your reason for staying with your partner is guilt and you resent him for it, the relationship is dead anyway. A healthy relationship isn't one framed by obligation and duty.

Get a divorce, start over with your kids, b0ll0cks to his religion, and don't let that affect your kids. He can deal with his trauma in whatever ways work for him. Hope things work out for you.

With all due respect - he hasn't felt guilty leaving you and his children to move back in with his parents. He may have mental trauma but as a Father and a Husband he could have been a presence in the home, yet he chose to leave.

Prioritise you. You have prioritised his choices for too long - not wanting to purchase a home, to stop working and moving out, yet his mental health has not improved. He has left you.

Start choosing you. You have already admitted you can not fix him. The next stage is ensure he is not your responsibility. You can care about him, he will still be the Father of your children but you can move on. Find that young spirit again.