To wonder how to advise my friend on this matter

[Curryconnoisseur]

I have a close male friend who has come to me for advice. The person has ok ed the content of the below and details have been changed where necessary.
We are talking about 2 middle aged men, friends since university. No mutual friends, both have other friends iyswim. High functioning, intelligent people with lives. Let's call my friend Ian. Friend 2 we will call Charles. Ian is a highly sensitive man, kind and decent with a good sense of humour. Charles js all those things except he is not sensitive. They stayed friends after university despite having lived in different countries and being in different family situations. Many of you will have come across the tendency in male friendships to rib and slag off the other, supposedly as a mark of humour or affection. Something I cannot relate to. Because of Charles' good qualities, Ian has tolerated Charles taking the piss out of aspects of his appearance and personality, but he doesnt like it. He warned Charles about going too far some years ago, it abated but only temporarily. A few years ago, Ian stopped contacting Charles. Likely due to male pride Charles has made only the tiniest effort to contact Ian, who did not respond to the contact in question. Ian is now wondering whether to get in touch again and explain the reasons for the lack of contact, not so much to save the friendship as to call out what he sees as unpleasantness masquerading as humour. Do you or a man in your life have experience of this socialised piss taking? Why do some men do it, even when aware they are jeopardising a friendship?

The friendship is clearly over. Ian needs to let it go and move on. It sounds like he was either the instigator in it happening or else Charles was equally happy for it to end.

It's really common, and not just with men. There's plenty of gentle piss taking that goes on in my group of friends. It's how many British people bond.
The difference is this guy obviously takes it too far.

Why are you making this all about men?

You do realise women have this sort of sense of humour too?

It crosses both sexes and all age groups.

But if your friend doesn't like that sort of sense of humour, he shouldn't contact him again as he's not going to change and probably doesn't see why he should.

Horses for courses.

Your two questions "Do you or a man in your life have experience of this socialised piss taking? Why do some men do it, even when aware they are jeopardising a friendship?" would be better off directed at men wouldn't they?

Also, Ian may not see Charles' piss-taking sense of humour as a good trait and that's fair enough.

But has he considered that him being 'highly sensitive' isn't particularly a good trait either in everyone's opinion?

I think its too late to explain, and what would be the good of it even if he did? He doesn't want to save the friendship, so it would just be dropping in to criticise then dropping out again. It might make your friend feel slightly better for a little while, but not for long. It's time to let it go.

Interesting responses.
This thing about taking it too far, or someone being too sensitive.
Here is what I have never got. Is there somewhere an agreed, semi legal arbiter of what constitutes "going too far" or "being oversensitive" Who decides? Is it like case law, where accumulated social judgement is precedent

Now it sounds like you're taking the piss?

Have you met human beings before?

They tend to gravitate towards people they have a lot in common with, including their sense of humour.

A mismatch is just a mismatch as appears to be the case here.

No need to bring 'legalities' into it 🙄

The agreement is just what works for the people involved. And if there is no joint “reasonable”, then you don’t match as friends.

No. You accept that the closer your friendship and more solid the bond between you the meaner they can be to you because such a a bond of love and respect cannot be broken. That’s why your enemy is called ‘mate’ and your bestie is called ‘arsewipe’ when talking to them. Thats why my friends keep stickers of each others ugliest photos and use them to react to messages.

If that bond was never established then the banter just doesn’t work.

I think Ian needs to move on and let it go. He had an opportunity to do it when they were still talking but the friendship seems over now. I’m unsure what Ian hopes to gain from messaging Charles now if he doesn’t want the friendship back.

It’s a good lesson for Ian though, if he isn’t comfortable with someone’s comments then he can speak up and explain how he feels.

agree that was a bizarre, or at least a bizarrely worded question. I don't really see how it can be asked in good faith whether there is 'official' legal guidance on something so subjective and situational.

However informally most people would agree that once someone has asked you to stop/told you you are upsetting/annoying them, but you continue, then that is 'going too far.' Of course it is possible to have gone too far before then, but at that stage, if you carry on, then you're pretty obviously a twat.

You're never going to find objective guidance that applies to all eventualities but at least that guideline is a pretty clear line in the sand and allows for everyone having different senses of humour, boundaries, etc.

No, of course not! It all depends on each individual friendship and the people involved. Some endure and others don’t. Presumably Charles has friends who appreciate him for his robust sense of humour and Ian has friends who are more comfortable with a gentler interaction. Both are fine.

Sounds like the friendship has run its course. Communication between the two of them has tapered off so why try to rekindle a relationship that made your friend unhappy? As I've got older, I only want to be around people who make me happy, not people who are nasty, make snide comments who are jealous and sarcastic. Your friend should be glad that he no longer goes over in his head the nasty and hurtful comments his "friend" said to him. He can be sure that this person wouldn't have considered his feelings at all, and unless he's mellowed with age, he would continue to hurt him if given the chance. They're just not compatible as friends. I hope your friend has real friends who don't cause him grief.

Yes I think at this stage silence is likely to prevail between these 2. I think Ian would like Charles to at least show the curiosity to ask "I notice you havent been in touch- is everything ok" but accepts its probably a forlorn hope.

Charles won't be worrying about Ian, he'll have moved on to new people to mock and belittle to make himself feel good, at their expense. Ian deserves so much better and is well rid of him, it's not good for your self esteem to be treated this way, it's bullying. Ian owes it to himself to surround himself with people that make him happy 🤗

Ian walked away, Charles respected that. There's no point trying to go back.

This one thing does interest me. This thing about putting someone else youre supposedly friends with down, then laughing about it and expecting the other person to as well. What is behind it?
Many times in my life I have come across or seen depicted situations where among men in particular, it seems there is an expectation of acceptance of denigration. For example one conversation where an ex of mine told his close male friend in front of me that it wasnt true I described him (the friend not the ex) as "distinguished looking" and said instead I had said he was "short, ugly and bald". I had never said this, the friend on the receiving end knew that I hadn't, so it was all set up as some kind of weird social game. I dont get it. I domt see what the people.sayung these things expect to get back