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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

17 Yr old son dropping out of college. Aibu if this changes my plans about him coming home

19 replies

atmywitsend1989 · 11/01/2026 10:53

Son is in care, recently turned 17.. We were thinking about some sort of plan in regards to him coming from home along with his social worker and placement. We weren't sure when but we were all certain that he'd rather live with me at 18.

Recently hes dropped out. Its not that he's not academically inclined because it was a level 1 - i think this is the first level not the last?- trades course.. most of the mums I've been talking to about this have said "get him into the trades " but that's what was attempted ! He only started in September . I understand that hes had education gaps but he was doing well and then just stopped. We asked if he was being bullied ect- he isn't. Theres been a police case opened recently involving him and we asked if it was that andnif he wanted a break but he said no, he wanted to permanently drop out and had sent a message to college about it. These last few months he was telling everyone how going to college made him feel better about everything else in his life so it doesnt make sense at all. There's no clear reason. He has no gcses and won't sit them again this year.

He seems to want to do everything but a regular job.. Frankly id rather have him in education over him only working (or both) but I thought he'd at least have to do something with all that free time and i had considered that my bias might stem from the fact that my.parents pushed for me to attend college and university. I suggested applying to tescos ect but he insisted that he'd rather walk around town to speak to car wash workers/corner shop store men about part time work- but hasn't yet looked around and i suspect he wont take the initiative. He wants to 'dropship ' (ive googled it a few times and dont quite understand but i suggested that he try a business course at a college at least.. he said no). Hes been telling me that he wants to sell all of his consoles too. I can't tell if he's being entirely serious because he can't get off his games, the staff call me to give me updates and sometimes the only thing they can inform me of is that he spent all day playing

I don't see him working at all at 17 or 18 at this rate. I'm wondering where the line is. Will he come home and remain unemployed and out of education.. I'm reconsidering allowing him back. Am I being unreasonable. Some of my family are telling me that he's still a child but I. Have a younger teenage daughter and I know that those double standards wouldn't apply to her

OP posts:
ByQuaintAzureWasp · 11/01/2026 11:00

Why is he in care and how long has he been in care?

LIZS · 11/01/2026 11:04

Level 1 is lower level than gcse and he would be resitting maths and english level 2 alongside. Hopefully college won’t let him go without some sort of exit interview. There would be Advice and Guidance available re. Next steps if he chose to take it up. How would he fund a drop-shipping enterprise and is it legal? You could make staying jn education a condition if he wants to return home but not sure it is enforceable. What does his sw suggest?

PeonyBulb · 11/01/2026 11:05

My friends DS is in a similar situation and she wouldn’t have him back purely because it’s difficult to get a place for them to live

Do not let him come home because then you’re stuck with him

Him having his own place to live is a good step forward especially with supported assisted living. He shouldn’t give that up and you should protect his siblings. That’s your main role to protect the siblings
Ignore everyone’s opinions

SameShitDifferentDate · 11/01/2026 11:34

I'd make it quite clear that moving in with you is conditional on his being in some form of education or employment. If you support him to do nothing, why would he ever move out?

atmywitsend1989 · 11/01/2026 11:51

PeonyBulb · 11/01/2026 11:05

My friends DS is in a similar situation and she wouldn’t have him back purely because it’s difficult to get a place for them to live

Do not let him come home because then you’re stuck with him

Him having his own place to live is a good step forward especially with supported assisted living. He shouldn’t give that up and you should protect his siblings. That’s your main role to protect the siblings
Ignore everyone’s opinions

Yes this is what I was thinking too

OP posts:
RaininSummer · 11/01/2026 11:55

SameShitDifferentDate · 11/01/2026 11:34

I'd make it quite clear that moving in with you is conditional on his being in some form of education or employment. If you support him to do nothing, why would he ever move out?

This. He needs pushing to do something or he will be endlessly gaming and becoming increasingly unemployable.

JamesClyman · 11/01/2026 11:56

Do NOT have him back. It will make your life hell, probably adversely affect your DD and, I strongly suspect, make no difference to him at all.

Blindsidedd · 11/01/2026 11:59

Why is he in care and how long has this been for? Have any issues resolved or does he still need professional support?

THisbackwithavengeance · 11/01/2026 12:03

They’ll be keen to get him back home as they can then wash their hands of him.

If he stays in care he’ll have access to free accommodation and support from social services until he’s 25.

atmywitsend1989 · 11/01/2026 12:19

Blindsidedd · 11/01/2026 11:59

Why is he in care and how long has this been for? Have any issues resolved or does he still need professional support?

He had behavioural difficulties ( verbal abuse towards me , occasionally physical) and he handled fall outs poorly. No disabilities and no serious mental illness challenges on his part . I'll edit this in a few minutes with more context but I am admittedly a little bit wary as I was smeared and harassed on here once

OP posts:
QOrion · 11/01/2026 12:25

@atmywitsend1989 If you want people to engage with your OP rather than list all the ways you are a terrible mother, I advise you to not engage with posts like this or your thread will be derailed.

Why is he in care and how long has he been in care?

EatYourDamnPie · 11/01/2026 12:29

atmywitsend1989 · 11/01/2026 12:19

He had behavioural difficulties ( verbal abuse towards me , occasionally physical) and he handled fall outs poorly. No disabilities and no serious mental illness challenges on his part . I'll edit this in a few minutes with more context but I am admittedly a little bit wary as I was smeared and harassed on here once

Are you the poster who took her son to religious counselling (plus numerous other issues), complained about buying him a laptop , denies her son has any issues , despite a diagnosis and so on?

atmywitsend1989 · 11/01/2026 13:32

QOrion · 11/01/2026 12:25

@atmywitsend1989 If you want people to engage with your OP rather than list all the ways you are a terrible mother, I advise you to not engage with posts like this or your thread will be derailed.

Why is he in care and how long has he been in care?

Good idea. I've noticed that a lot

OP posts:
Blindsidedd · 11/01/2026 18:22

atmywitsend1989 · 11/01/2026 12:19

He had behavioural difficulties ( verbal abuse towards me , occasionally physical) and he handled fall outs poorly. No disabilities and no serious mental illness challenges on his part . I'll edit this in a few minutes with more context but I am admittedly a little bit wary as I was smeared and harassed on here once

I am sorry that you have been the victim of DA in your own home from your DS. Was his father also abusive? Had your younger daughter seen the DA and been impacted by the fall out? I think that you are both the priority here regarding emotional and physical safety in your own home. Safeguarding for your DD. If your DS has other residential options then he should take them up. If he has turned a corner and grown emotionally then it would be good to develop your own relationship with him cautiously but no need for this to be under your roof at all. Don’t let FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) drive your emotions or decisions here.

atmywitsend1989 · 11/01/2026 21:52

Thank you. Yes his father was abusive to us all. Daughter has seen it but still sides with him (I'm not sure if he's good at manipulating or if she's just used to it..). Hes currently in a stable placement

OP posts:
Octavia64 · 11/01/2026 21:57

Level 1 is lower than GCSEs.

most colleges offer courses at a range of levels. For students that do not have any GCSEs (ie didn’t grade at all) most colleges offer entry level courses or skills for life type courses.

when you say he has no GCSEs do you mean he didn’t pass any (at 4 or above) or he didn’t grade at all (got Us)?

I used to teach autistic students at secondary school and those who weren’t going to grade at GCSEs usually did entry level qualifications so that they had some record of what they could do.

a surprisingly high number of them went into employment quite successfully.

Rumplestiltz · 11/01/2026 22:00

You are his mum and he is still a child.

CornishTiger · 11/01/2026 22:03

THisbackwithavengeance · 11/01/2026 12:03

They’ll be keen to get him back home as they can then wash their hands of him.

If he stays in care he’ll have access to free accommodation and support from social services until he’s 25.

this!

atmywitsend1989 · 12/01/2026 08:54

An update.. haven't broken the news to him yet as he's still talking about the ongoing investigation (would rather not go into that but it does center him) but I've made my mind up ill let his placement or SW know so they can mention it in his next looker after child meeting

OP posts:
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